Or “don’t let Con fuck your love life.”
This past weekend I went to a science fiction convention as well as a sexy party with a very dear playpartner. We survived, mostly, for which I am immensely grateful. Some of this is personal mismatch and some is clearly having put our relationship into pressure cooker of stress without a contingency plan. We’re thousands of miles from home base, underslept, failing at the 5-2-1 rule, running logistics of two people two events and one car, and coming off a week of trying to balance all the insanity of travel.
So contingency plan? I wish I had clear priorities that were said out loud before we got on an airplane. Which event is prioritized? Are we each other’s interrupts or are we self reliant and maximizing exposure to others? How much time is ideal for each event? What’s too little? What’s too much? I think this serves somewhat in the same way as ethics…which is to say, not for when it’s easy, but for when you really really don’t want to, but you can stop and align yourself with what you had talked about and agreed upon. Honestly, I don’t think I would have had a particular stance on which event should be prioritized if I knew my partner was interested in both, but the lack of clarity made it hard to prioritize.
I wish we had taken care of our bodies. We hit BOS already exhausted and I think we never caught up. We tried to do too much, sacrificing sleep too often, running tight schedules and high pressure tradeoffs. Because our priorities weren’t clear, it wasn’t easy to swap out events. Because things were packed too tightly, not only did sleep suffer but also patience, the ability to take a hit and still recover for the rest of the day and so on.
I’d say also we had too many firsts all put together. His first time at Arisia, and my first time in the Boston office. Our first time meeting my parents together. Our first time traveling together and spending this much time together all at once. My first topping an orgasm control scene that went on for longer than a day or so of ongoing contact, and his having to guide me through that. The blows came faster than we could dodge them, and each point of stressed added to the last.
And there is the expectation you put on time as well. The special eventness of it makes it that much harder, the work you put into making things nice builds attachment which unfortunately can create opportunities for downfalls. A bad hour at home is an opportunity to take a shower, eat a snack and move on. A bad hour at a special event can throw your whole day. I think at one point or another we each felt as though we were trying so hard, doing so much work, for something that just wasn’t working.
I am hoping that this is the first pancake, the one you mysteriously burn on both sides while it’s still squishy on the inside. That once we each sleep, and focus on ourselves for a while we can regroup and try again. And also, I wish I had a word for “this amazing person who is deeply important to me, whom I love and care for, who pushes my limits in ways that are almost but not quite too much and I am grateful for that, and grateful also for the time and energy we share, but I realize that we can not share this time and energy full time and I am grateful for that too” I want a word that allows for that non-full-timeness without being “less than” and I want to say “not full time now” and be fully comfortable with that, without forgoing the possibility of full time ever. But mostly, I need it to be not less than. (Fuck society?)