Kink in exile

Notes from a kinky nomad

Struggling

with 2 comments

So I read this thing, which actually sounds like a lot of other things I read, and like a lot of things I read it positions the sex the writer enjoys having as “SO MUCH KINKIER” than the sex I enjoy having.  And each time I read something about X being kinkier or queerer, or generally all around nicer than Y, I have two reactions.  The first gut reaction is one of, hmm, not anger, defensiveness perhaps?  “My sex is kinky enough thank you very much” defensiveness.  Or if I’m in the so much more group, a reaction of “don’t use me as your banner, person who doesn’t know me.” It’s a gut reaction.

The second, the brain reaction, is twofold: 1) you have just defined More Kinky(tm) as the goal state or more desirable state, why?  Is being kinky is personally important to you?  Basically, it’s a reaction of “you seem hurt by this game, why are you trying to win by the rules that are hurting you?” And 2) Meh, other people’s gradations of how kinky something is doesn’t matter.  I’m not sleeping with them, they can be the most kinky, or the least kinky, or the differently kinky, it’s cool.  Ok, also 3) Huh that got my hackles up, I wonder if I have more identity tied in with kink than I’d like to?  Probably.  This caught me, sorta like a rough nail on fabric, not anything particular, just noticing my own reaction.

It made me think of readers who might feel that way, and what I want to say to that is: have the sex you want with the people you love.  Revel in the joy of it and in that coming home feeling of being seen in your entirety whatever that means for you.  Don’t apologize for the sex you do or don’t want to have, in fact, if you’re a woman, take stock of how often you apologize for existing in the world, you might be surprised.  If it’s important to you to be So Much Kinkier, then you are that.  But when you get there, ask yourself why that’s important and what gatekeeper told you you weren’t kinky enough.  Be what you need to be, but don’t become the gatekeeper – that way lies madness (and the status quo).

I guess the piece I’m struggling with is not defending the sex I want to have as “just as good/kinky/legitimate” because it doesn’t matter.

EDIT: Actually, wait, someone went out of their way to write about the sex that is fulfilling and exciting to them.  Yay.  May it be everything they want and need it to be; hot, loving, radical, or whatever rings true to the people involved.

Written by kinkinexile

December 21, 2013 at 11:21 pm

Posted in advice, headspace

2 Responses

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  1. Thank you. This is very, very much how I feel when I read a lot of the discussions about How To Be Properly Kinky. I’ve eventually come to the same conclusion: that my kinks, or lack thereof, are a part of me that I’ll explore just as I explore other parts of myself, my desires, and my ethics, and nobody gets to tell me that I’m not kinky enough, or don’t get to call myself kinky if I don’t want to play with a single tail and a spider gag and a foot-long butt plug. (Just as nobody gets to call me perverted if I do.)

    And while I think it *is* important to be aware of the ethical implications of what one does in bed…it seems like it’s the female doms who get told “It’s not enough to find someone who likes to play with you, you have to be hypervigilantly critiquing your kinks constantly” (you think we don’t? we’re women, we’re having sex, we’re not being subs–you think we don’t??) and the female subs who constantly have to answer “Can you be feminist and kinky at the same time?” (Fuck yes you can. Better question: Can you be a male dom and be a feminist? You’d damn well better, IMHO, or you have no business getting near a woman kinky *or* vanilla–but do we hear that question asked?)

    It’s all so exhausting. :( *goes to cuddle her switchy bisexual self up to her vanilla grey-ace girlfriend, and fuck everyone’s expectations*

    Isla Sinclair

    December 25, 2013 at 9:17 pm

  2. […] Every time I see “you’re not queer enough” or “you’re not kinky enough” all I want to is put up another sign on my proverbial front lawn that says “have the sex you want, with the people you love, and if you have the energy create the space for others to do the same.” […]

    Every time | Kink in exile

    February 10, 2014 at 9:38 pm


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