Kink in exile

“Performer line up: skinny white carbon copy clones.”

“Is it really 100% skinny femme women…?”

Before I get into the political aspects of this, here is something personal: those words describe me, my body, and your hatred or distrust of it. They describe a political arena where my body is a threat to your movement and unwelcome in your space.

No, don’t tell me that’s not directed at me, I’m sure you’re not like all the other XYZ people either. And yes, I know, I carry centuries of privilege and power in my body that you have been systematically stripped of, but tell me, does alienating me because of my body work?

Does it help us create enough shared power to fight words such as these: “You know, back in my days, they used Bayer aspirin for contraception. The gals put it between their knees, and it wasn’t that costly.” No, maybe it makes you feel better, but it makes me think twice about working with you, and it makes me wonder how such similar words could be coming from such opposing sides.

Here are some things going on in the world:
• 1,500 people die in conflicts in the Congo daily, including child soldiers.
• One in six Americans experiences “food insecurity.”
• A transgendered woman was killed in my neighborhood, not a decade ago but last month.
• Republicans are speaking about birth control as though it was up for debate.
• Closed subpoenas are levied against social networks we use daily to collect levels of information we could not have imagined a decade ago.

So basically, our world is fucked, our political system is fucked, and the biggest concern you have is my body? When the computer you are using to watch this insufficiently progressive porn is made with conflict minerals that fuel colonialism and poverty and there are no other viable options (for computing, though maybe also for porn) you decide to rage against some fellow activist or artist because their progressive work is not progressive enough?

When we’re so good at fighting each other is it any wonder that the religious right is winning?

So yes, it breaks my heart that my lover’s submission is treated as deviant or dismissed altogether because of his gender, it terrifies me (and humbles me) to know that one of my loves navigates the world…cautiously because of their gender, and I wholeheartedly believe that you and I both should have the kind of pornography available to us that makes us feel good, even if the images we prefer are radically different. And yet, holding all that as truth, if your political agenda includes shaming me or discrediting me for my body and the sex I have, I have no more desire to participate in that than in a Rick Santorum rally.

It’s been a while since I’ve done a product review, and this is perhaps a tame one to start with, but who doesn’t love lube?!

Lube is one of those things that I feel is pretty universally accepted as a sex aid, marital aid, masturbation aid and medical accessory, so I’m always curious about variations on the theme.  While I was familiar with Blossom Organics, I’d never actually tried their products before.  I had tried various “warming” gels, cremes, lotions and potions and was a huge fan of the added sensation especially outside of partnered intercourse.   I was excited about the Blossom Organics Warm Sensation version for two reasons: first it seemed sex safe (not for external use only) and second it came in a hygenic seeming squeeze tube rather than the little creme pots you have to stick your finger in that my last such product came in.

I made one mistake though, and that was to read other people’s product reviews before I had the chance to try it…it seems this product has very different results depending, presumably, on one’s biological makeup. One reviewer on the Goodvibes blog called this product “way too strong,” causing me to delay trying it until after I’d completed some travel “just in case.”  Imagine my surprise then when I had no warming sensation.  No tingling, warming, buzzing…anything.   I tried a couple of times just to be sure, but concluded that the Blossom Organics Warm Sensation lube just didn’t work.  Or rather didn’t work as advertised.  It worked as a lube, didn’t cause any irritation (and I’m pretty sensitive) was viscus enough to get the job done, and long lasting enough to, well, let me get the job done, but had absolutely no added benefits what so ever.

Unfortunately, you’re just going to have to try this one out on your own lady bits to determine if it works for you.  I imagine that if it is too strong for some, and completely ineffective for me, somewhere there is the golden middle path.  Or if you’re just looking for a body friendly and earth friendly lube take a look at Blossom Organics full product line which is all made with natural, “female friendly,” ingredients.

I learned two cool things from this review though:

1) Personal lubricant was first introduced by KY in 1904 (for medical use).

2) Good Vibrations actually carries an entire selection of “ecorotic” toys and accessories which are environmentally friendly, animal product free, and of course, body safe.

In his Atlanta Poly Weekend keynote, Maymay railed on the institution of metamours and the idea that two people are obliged to be friends based on their mutual interest in some other, third, person.  From the level of hate all the systems, love all the people any attempt to define how a relationship *should* work can well be met with suspicion.

#WhyImALibertarian: because I don’t know enough to tell someone else how to live their life.

#WhyImALibertarian: because chosen community is more powerful than forced affiliation.

But this is a systemic analysis.  Systems and people are not one and the same.

#WhyIDontVotePartyLine: shared use of resources is more efficient use of resources.

#WhyIDontVotePartyLine: because personal responsibility is meaningless until we’ve achieved equality of means.

Which is to say, while I can agree that systemically there isn’t a right and wrong way to build relationships, personally I consider my metamour relationships to be about 75% as important as my direct intimate relationships.

So, if my sexual/romantic partner has 100% impact on the continuation of my relationship with them, the other people they are involved with have about a 75% impact.  Why? Because here are some things that my metamours impact either above board when we all talk about it, or under the table when we pretend this doesn’t exist:

• The quantity, duration, and scheduling of the time I spend with my partner
• The availability of financial and emotional resources within the intimate network
• The protection of sexual health in the intimate network through their own safer sex practices and communication with our pivot person.
• The attitudes and behaviors my partner will develop over time.
• The list can go on…

The list can go on and on and on, but the most important thing is that my metamours add to my feelings of safety, stability, and goodwill in my relationship.  You might expect this sentence to include “or they detract from that.” It doesn’t.  The reason it doesn’t is precisely that my metamours have a huge impact on my relationship, not in either of us vetoing the other, but in the fact that potential metamours are critical in my relationship selection.  To put it simply: if I don’t like your partner, I can’t date you.  Because humans are not systems sometimes this isn’t how it works, but that is my goal state.

This is my goal state not because I expect to dislike your girlfriend, quite the opposite, it is my goal state because when C’s girlfriend designated me her “wife-in-law” I felt loved and included.  Because I find so much joy in watching my network reinforce itself.  Because I find support in knowing that my partner has other arms to catch him/her/them when they fall, that I don’t have to be perfect or always available because we can combine resources when shit hits the fan.

Here is the really important part: strong metamour relationships aren’t just a thing I want to have to keep my sexual relationship healthy, they are something I crave in and of themselves.  It is a type of intimacy that I find incredibly rewarding, valuable, and unique; it is far more exciting for me than getting to fuck lots of people without my partner minding; it is a good chunk of the thing that keeps me coming back to poly even when it’s hard.

So take this not as a threat but as a shout out to all the beautiful, amazing, strong human beings who have shared intimate networks with me, and a prayer that those yet to come inspire me just as much.

And yeah, I am secretly a freaking hippie who should be homesteading in Detroit as one beautiful lady pointed out to me this weekend…

I am still buzzing from the past weekend.  Starting to come down to earth but also overwhelmed by reality and wanting to hide in a cocoon of NRE where distance, complications, and time pressures don’t exists and where past hurts turn into a catalyst for bonding rather than seeds of distrust.  (Trauma begets trauma except where it begets trust?) But as I come back down to earth I am also evaluating my reality, thinking about the sex I have, want, and have had and thinking about what got me here.  When my weekend partner in crime commented that they didn’t start having really good sex until their mid-20s I was surprised only that they thought this was somehow abnormal…

Saying “no” to the sex I don’t want:

This isn’t about no means no, and this isn’t about rape.  This is about knowing myself, my body, and my lifestyle well enough to distinguish between the sex I want and the sex I don’t want.  This isn’t a skill I’ve always had, and when I first developed it, it wasn’t a skill I used easily.  I spent my late teens and early 20s having the sex I thought I should have, or the sex I didn’t mind having and it was fine.  It was a learning process.  Sometimes the sex was really good, sometimes it was just a thing, and a couple of times I wished I hadn’t done that.  All of those times taught me about myself, and at some point I learned enough to know that I can turn down sex I don’t want and this is part of the process that leads to those singular amazing moments when I get precisely the sex I want (and if I’m very lucky, I get the sex I didn’t know I wanted).

Trusting myself:

I’m in bed with a lover trying to get a point across which I don’t actually want to get across…”I feel…demure, girly…um…” My rational brain kicks in, my inner Ask Culture Israeli can’t take it anymore, “the word I’m looking for is ‘submissive’ I just don’t want to say it.”  Giving myself space for the sex I want is a work in progress.  Trusting the fact that my sexuality is fluid but always mine is a work in progress.  So while it’s a little strange that I woke up this morning wanting to be in a relationship with a woman despite the fact that I am about 90% heterosexual and prefer my sexual relationships with women to be in casual contexts (say 3-somes with a couple), I’m just not that worried about it.  (For me, it’s probably a passing curiosity more than a radical paradigm shift, but my sex drive has U-turned on me often enough that I’ve learned to just go with the flow.)

Seeing my fear and my anger for what it really is:

I don’t get scared for the hell of it, so the fact that coming down from the weekend’s buzz is scaring the fuck out of me is valuable information.  In this case, it throws me into tailspin of how do I feel about poly that’s been in the making for years.  That said, I trust my experience.  Being poly scares me, but I do it because it also feels healthy, fulfilling, and empowering to me.  If being poly wasn’t what I really wanted, I’d probably be settled down with C by now planning our first child.  My fear is a place to check in with myself and a place to take note of the fact that “wow, I am really into this amazing thing that I had the privilege of experiencing and I don’t want to lose it.”  It’s an early warning system that what I want, what I have, and what I think I have may not align and I need to correct for that but it is not foreshadowing of death and destruction.

Today I got this email from the Obama campaign:

Today, I was asked a direct question and gave a direct answer:

I believe that same-sex couples should be allowed to marry.

I hope you’ll take a moment to watch the conversation, consider it, and weigh in yourself on behalf of marriage equality:

http://my.barackobama.com/Marriage

I’ve always believed that gay and lesbian Americans should be treated fairly and equally. I was reluctant to use the term marriage because of the very powerful traditions it evokes. And I thought civil union laws that conferred legal rights upon gay and lesbian couples were a solution.

But over the course of several years I’ve talked to friends and family about this. I’ve thought about members of my staff in long-term, committed, same-sex relationships who are raising kids together. Through our efforts to end the “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” policy, I’ve gotten to know some of the gay and lesbian troops who are serving our country with honor and distinction.

What I’ve come to realize is that for loving, same-sex couples, the denial of marriage equality means that, in their eyes and the eyes of their children, they are still considered less than full citizens.

Even at my own dinner table, when I look at Sasha and Malia, who have friends whose parents are same-sex couples, I know it wouldn’t dawn on them that their friends’ parents should be treated differently.

So I decided it was time to affirm my personal belief that same-sex couples should be allowed to marry.

I respect the beliefs of others, and the right of religious institutions to act in accordance with their own doctrines. But I believe that in the eyes of the law, all Americans should be treated equally. And where states enact same-sex marriage, no federal act should invalidate them.

If you agree, you can stand up with me here.

Thank you,

Barack

Today I have heard praise, criticism, and cries of “fuck marriage!”  Today I am proud of my country and of my president not because getting married is the right thing to do, or because we have overcome homophobia (we haven’t) but because a liberty, consideration, right or service extended to one citizen should be made available to all citizens.  I understand that this is a complex issue for Americans and for the GLBT community, but personally, I consider this to be a simple and basic extension of tax policy and various other logistical benefits to members of our communities who were not visible 50, or even 5, years ago.  Laws evolve because citizens evolve – if they didn’t I would still be obliged to bring a musket to church when visiting my home state of Massachusetts.

I have heard many an argument against marriage not from the religious right, but from the core of the GLBT community itself.  The argument, it seems, is one against assimilation.  It’s an argument, and a concern, I’ve thought a lot about over the years and I have finally come out on the side of marriage.  Not on the side of forced assimilation, but on the side of the greatest possible range of options for the greatest possible range of people.  Because, ultimately, radical sex does not get my vote by strictly policing the kinds of sex and relationships I can have.  It gets my vote if and only if it opens more avenues of sexual expression than it closes.

…at least not in polite company.

I don’t talk the moment when I came out to my mom, certain I was a lesbian because I hate that I was wrong as much as I love sucking cock.

I don’t talk about learning to eat fire with the Lesbian Avengers or that I learned about BDSM in that context because those were also the years when I learned that women can be abusers, and that I’m not supposed to say that.

I don’t talk about marching in DC, protesting the World Bank, or getting arrested because that is not an accurate description of the person I am; though perhaps the combined fact that I protested the World Bank at home and later worked with State Department and World Bank funds in 3rd world reality starts to paint that picture.

I don’t talk about why you can’t pin me to the bed and pry my thighs open, in part to save you the trouble, and in part because dear god I wish you could, because that is so very hot – except when it isn’t.

I haven’t been writing lately because…I have too many things going through my brain.  A lot of them are hard personally or politically and I’m not at the place now where I can explore them, but there are a few things that I wanted to start finding words for…

My sexuality is not just about sex…

I tried to explain to a lover once, and I feel it’s worth repeating, that for a lot of women, myself include sexuality is sometimes expressed through mundane self care.  It’s why the Porn for New Moms books are not just cute, they’re true.  When you are dealing with a population that takes on 2/3 or more of household labor in a relationship, acts as the primary caretaker for most children, and is socialized to put others first sex gets shoved to the back burner.  Stress is a great libido killer, and this Porn for New Moms thing is a promise of “I will help with the housework and hold space for you to take a nap.”  When you’re going through sleep dep, there is nothing sexier than a nap, but as someone who is child free I still experience this bleeding of my sex life into the mundane.  Getting a manicure is an expression of my sexuality – it is frivolous and makes me feel worth spending time and money on.  Fresh flowers, textured clothing, shoes and the butter soft leather purse I bought last week are all things that feed my sexuality without having to be about sex.

Charity, compassionate consumption, and being a citizen of the world

Late last year I had a revelation.  There is a difference between charity and activism, I discovered.  What’s more, I learned that while charity, or more accurately tzedakah, was a good thing to do (in fact I was raised to believe that giving a portion of your funds to support others in your community is a non-negotiable fact of life), it didn’t translate to change in the world.  Charity allows others in my community to participate in the existing system whether that is kids in my local community getting free lunches in the summer or women in countries I’ve never been becoming business owners, activism attempts to change the system.  Fascinating.  I am presently reading Brand Aid, a study of the Project (RED) campaign which partners with mid to high end brands in the West to create a line of products from which a portion of proceeds is donated to fighting AIDS transmission in Africa.  This is interesting to me on a number of levels, not least of which is the pairing of charity with behavior and active choice.  By creating a charity “value add” to products consumers would buy anyway (t-shirts, iPad covers, and vodka to name a few) (RED) harnesses funds that would not have been otherwise allocated to charity, which is fine and good, but far far more importantly, it gives the average western consumer a way to begin making socially responsible choices with a very low personal cost.  My question is, does this later engage people in more/deeper behavior changes?

Sexual healing

My sex is not activism.  In fact, I try pretty hard to keep politics out of my bed.  However, a lover commented that I make him feel attractive and that made me feel warm and fuzzy on the inside.  Sex happens in different ways at different times for me; one of the things that’s really important, meaningful and powerful for me in sex is the capacity to heal.  Strangely, for something I value so much there isn’t actually anything I do to facilitate that…sometimes, it just sorta happens.  Dossie Easton explained it at a workshop I once attended by describing that moment when you put something scary and vulnerable, perhaps embarrassing, on the table and your sexual partner mirrors it back with love, lust, or joy.  Acceptance alone can be healing.  I wish I had more resources to learn about this aspect of sexuality.

(AKA, a break from the hard stuff)

I have been meaning to write about the Lelo Alia since I got it a couple months ago.  I hadn’t actually realized that this was a Lelo toy, but now that I know that, everything makes perfect sense.  Lelo is the be all and end all of sex toys far as I’m concerned (and no, they didn’t pay me to say that; they didn’t even pay for the toy).  The Alia is perfect for an unusual reason though; it doesn’t cause wrist strain and that’s, sadly, been my selection criteria for toys since I fist struggled with tendonitis in 2009.  It has a nice grip opening in the middle to slide your fingers through so unlike other clitoral vibes it’s easy to hold.  Awesome job Lelo, keep up the good work.

I’ve also just come across DreamLover Labs, apparently a company that makes electrostim attachments for male chastity devices.  You know, like those electronic training dog collars!  It’s funny, some men talk about having a Pavlovian response to chastity; it’s difficult to put on a chastity device because the idea of putting on a chastity device makes them hard.  Strangely, I seem to have developed a similar response to the thought of my lover in a chastity device.  I see something like a remote control (mild) electro-shock correction mechanism built into a chastity device and I go completely gaga, lose my words entirely and blush like there’s no tomorrow.  Did I mention it has a lock detection mechanism?  How about the fact that CBT rocks my little red wagon?

And thinking of toys, I am going to be experimenting with doing some toy reviews for Good Vibrations again.  Last time I tried toy reviews they sorta took over my blog, which is not what I want, but I do want to alternate the politics with some sex (this being a sex blog and all) and I think some prompts might be good.  I’m also trying to wrap my head around how to make toy reviews into actually valuable content rather than just promotional pieces.  I would totally appreciate your feedback, questions, or ideas!

…has nothing to do with the sex you have.

It is about creating access and opportunity for people to express and experience their sexuality the way they would like to do so.  It is about making all expressions of sexuality equally accessible and accepted, not about promoting your fetish or throwing awesome sex parties.  Now, don’t get me wrong, I firmly abide by the maxim “loving kindness starts within.”  If throwing sex parties gives you the energy to create change in the world, if it is the way you practice self care and the place from which you draw empathy, by all means throw sex parties.  But sex parties are not enough.  Sex parties are not enough not only for the many many reasons that make them exclusionary and privileged events, but because, by their very nature, they promote one expression of sexuality (public, non-monogamous, extroverted) above others.

Today, an acquaintance told me about an upcoming TLC show about virgins (the scandal!) and in an unrelated stream, Peroxide spoke of his own decision to practice abstinence vis-a-vis openly gay coworkers saying, “It’s not just that I’m jealous of their ability to express their sexuality, when I don’t feel comfortable even explaining mine. They’re also pursuing their sexuality…” This to me is a failing of the sex positive movement.  In validating and celebrating one aspect of sexuality we have abandoned the wide range of human sexual diversity.  In my opinion (and Peroxide you have my permission to hit me upside the head for telling you about your sexuality, you will have the opportunity in May) Peroxide is pursuing his sexuality; it is simply different than the sexuality portrayed on sex positive banners.

And there is an interesting argument here that often explains that because so much of our culture is sex negative we have to be out and proud cheerleaders for sex to compensate.  But to me there is a more interesting underlying issues – those people we see as sex negative, what does their sexuality look like?  What makes a conservative Christian woman who has only had one sexual partner in her life feel sexual?  What messaging gives her confidence in her body?  And what are her fears around sexuality?

Having a sexually fulfilling life, throwing or attending sex parties, having just one partner or many, those are all fine beautiful things, but they are personal things.  Your sex is not your activism because your sex is unique to you; it is narrow in scope.  Sexual freedom activism needs to be the other side of the spectrum, it needs to be broad, to look outside of your own wants, and accept the range of sexual experiences and desires that encompass both anonymous sex in the dark and monogamous sex in the context of marriage.  I’ve said it before: While there is violence and systemic oppression be it economic, political, or social in the world we are all bound to abide by the rules lest we fall into that victim class.

Recently, I stumbled over a first – “you play with Maymay” (Read: you play hard.)  Hard, too hard, hard enough, it’s a matter of context.

Two things stood out to me about this judgment, in this case “you play with Maymay, so…was that a light scene for you?”

1) The statement came from a man who graciously allowed me to hit his genitals with a rubber baton. (Read: light my fat Jewish ass.  Maybe light as in “light cream” or “light chocolate pudding”)

2) My style and competency of play was being judged not in relation to my preferences but vis-a-vis my partner.

This is not the first time someone pointed to Maymay when evaluating my suitability as a partner, but it was the first time the statement came from someone I knew well and caught my attention.  It was at first flattering, and later problematic.  Later still, Maymay pointed me to this blog post which sums up his own experience:

So this weekend I didn’t feel respected when I was asked “How much were you really struggling in that take down scene?” I didn’t feel respected by the people who thought I was on the Power Bottoming panel because I like to limp for days after I play. I definitely didn’t feel respected by all the people who stopped me in the hallways and told me what an intense scene they saw me do (though, again, I did appreciate the kind words and enjoyed the obvious admiration and surprise—I don’t look like someone who likes to scream until my throat is hoarse, but I do).

On the other hand, I did feel respected when a fellow attendee approached me and asked for my opinions regarding TES’s web site (and others) because he had heard people mention my name in conversation about the topic. Likewise, I also felt respected when people came up to me privately after some of my presentations and told me that they thought I had made good points, that I articulated myself well, and that I exposed them to something new and provoked some new thought or insight inside of them.

Thanks to the transman who told Eileen and I that we had finally articulated his primary kink in our Sexual Teasing and Denial presentation. Thanks to the young woman who taught me the word cyberbalkanization in my Sex and Technology presentation. Thanks to the people who congratulated me on my bravery and willingness to get naked on the first night in front of more than thirty clothed people during the demo for the G and P Spot Stimulation presentation.

In other words, thanks for seeing underneath all the cuts and bruises and welts. Thanks for rejecting the rhetoric that to be worth a damn as a bottom you need to have a pain tolerance that rivals a super hero’s. That’s the kind of thing that makes most men think they need to be stoic and “strong” when they are in pain, which is stupid because the last thing a sadist wants to see when they’re hurting someone is a lack of painful reaction (duh).

I agree, yes, and yet this is problematic.  I agree because there is so so much more than pain tolerance to bottoming skills and so much more than the willingness to dish it out to good topping.  I agree because when I watch other people’s scenes I watch for error handling rather than for “gee, how much can they take.” More importantly, I agree because fuck I am tired of meeting people and being expected to befriend them on the basis of nothing more than shared fetish, so when Maymay speaks to feeling respected when people connect with him about his work, yeah, fuck yeah – this sounds like what I mean when I say “treat me like an engineer, not like a female.”

And yet, and this is BDSM blasphemy, I like experienced bottoms because they…are willing to take a certain amount of risk.  I was gonna write “are less safety obsessed” but then I realized I’d get lynched so I thought better of it :-p  In any case, what I mean is I like playing with people who realize that like most adventure sports sometimes kinky sex causes minor, temporary injuries.  Having sustained minor temporary injuries from vanilla sex in the past, I don’t find this shocking, but the authoritative literature probably suggests I’m a horrible top and you should run far far away.

In any case, it isn’t about the pain tolerance, per se, but it is about a comfort level with and an understanding of one’s limits.  Ultimately, there is no better or worse way to have kinky sex.  If it turns you and your partner on, and no one ends up in hospital, good on you!  Ok, fine, there are incompetent people in the world, but honestly, if you didn’t see them in the dungeon it’s cause this is the weekend they try downhill skiing for the first time in their lives with no training and they’re skipping the bunny slope.  If you’re an adult with a passing love for your partner or at least a desire to not cause bodily harm to a total stranger, I expect you’ll do just fine.

Frankly, I’m starting to think that this system of rewarding people for how hard they play, discounting anyone who just wants the occasional spanking, and belaboring the idea that what we are doing is exceptionally dangerous rocket carpentry is some kind of secret plot to sell tickets to BDSM conferences.

So yeah, ok, I like playing with experienced people and heavier bottoms, because they let me “wing it” on their bodies a little more often.  But more importantly, I like playing with people who have taken the time to build a strong relationship and foundation of experience with me because when I think about asking a lover if I could first beat him and later fuck him with a police baton…there’s really only one person* who would reasonably** agree to that, and even then I’m not so sure.  (Guess I’ll find out in June…)

*Ok, there might be two, but any kind of penetrative sex would be very surprising and unlike us with one of them.  I’ve known both for over 6 years.

**I’m sure others would agree, but without the personal context, without knowing my politics, and having some sense of how we play, it would just be masturbation material, not actual communication.