Orgasm Control Through Trial and Error: Q&A

Recently, Wanderingpirate asked “What influence, if any, has controlling other peoples’ orgasms had on the way you relate to your own?” via Twitter.

My first thought was “it doesn’t,” but as I thought about it further I realized that actually, while there isn’t a direct impact there were several indirect ways in which orgasm control impacts the kind of sex I have, and can have, and therefore my orgasms.

Beyond the very obvious of “penetrative sex isn’t possible,” is the more nuanced “penetrative sex is totally doable but what is the cost/benefit analysis.”  There is the perceived hassle of unlocking my partner (actually this is pretty trivial, it just feels like a barrier to entry) as well as the trade off between watching him edge and maybe come today, and getting him to be even more horny tomorrow.  I adore watching my partner ask, beg, bargain and attempt to persuade me into an orgasm.  Truth is, the hornier and more desperate he gets, the more I get turned on.  In addition to the trade-off exercise above, this changes the way I have sex in another way.  I get more focused on my partner, and on getting him closer to his edge; by extension I spend less time focused on my own orgasms and ways to achieve them.

Finally, and most surprisingly to me, I am more randy when my partner is locked up.  I want more sex, more naked time, more opportunities to trace the rubber coated lock and hard plastic shell around his dick.  I also want to fuck him.  Strap-on play is something I enjoy in the same way I enjoy giving blowjobs; it’s something nice to do for my partner, I like to see the reactions, it’s fun, and at times novel.  But there have been a couple of times (as in two) when I’ve seriously craved strap-on sex.  Both times it was when my partner was locked up…I’m not sure what that’s about, maybe the control, maybe the fact that this turns him on like there’s no tomorrow, but either way, I think the sex I have when my partner is locked up is more intense, more intentional, and perhaps a little more rough.  I’d love to hear his perspective on this!

 

 

 

Anatomy of a scene

This is sort of an experiment to see if I could break down the elements of a scene the way one might do a customer or user experience.  The goal is to figure out what some of those unteachable things I kept hitting on were (e.g. empathy) and present them as actions rather than intuition.  Not sure if it worked, you tell me…

Anatomy of a scene

Pre-scene
-Communication
-Expectations
-Landing

Early scene
-Pacing and warm-up
-Rules and protocols
-build persona if desired

Mid-scene
-Build intensity
-Validate experience
-Don’t ask tough questions

End of scene
-Big request or cool-down
-Praise
-Positive touch

Aftercare
-Attention to headspace
-Headspace appropriate interaction
-Praise
-Positive touch
-Physical care

Pre-scene
Questions to ask:
When do you have to be home?
You know puppies aren’t allowed on the couch?
Have you had dinner?
Tell me a fantasy.

-Communication
This is the time to decide what you would like to do, share any relevant news, and make each other aware of outside constraints.  I also like to use this time for casual chatter because that helps me connect with my partner and buffer from the outside world.

-Expectations
This is actually post-negotiation for me…negotiation creates the opportunity for everything on this list to happen.  Expectations in this context are specifically about making sure my bottom has all the information he needs to succeed.  What to call me, if puppies are allowed on the couch, what to do if he needs a break, etc.

Think of social situations where you get details in advance to help make things smooth, for example you might get a description of appropriate dress with a wedding invitation, which helps you avoid awkward situations.

-Landing
This sets the tone, and I prefer a soft landing.  Ideally I start my scenes calmly without confusion.  I don’t like having to look for space at clubs or work too hard to get myself and my partner out of other conversations because this creates a hard and confusing landing.  Landing is about having the tools you want where you expect them, having your partner confident that they can succeed, trusting your own skill, and not having to trip over anything.  Sometimes, however, hard landings are hot.  In interrogation scenes for example I’ll start the scene without warning, when my partner is walking up to the space we plan to play in, or just about to go grab something from the other room.

Think of landing like a landing page; what do you want people to see/feel/experience in the first 15 seconds?  This sets the tone for the next hour.

Early scene
Questions to ask:
Does this feel good?
Are you going to be a good boy/girl/kitty?
Do you remember your safeword?

-Pacing and warm-up
At this point I don’t expect my partner to be in “sub-space” and I believe it takes about 20 minutes for endorphins to take pain processing to it’s top capacity so I start slow unless there is strategic advantage to taking a deep dive early on (SA Landing).  This also sets the pace for the rest of the scene and a good time to drop some cues as to what to expect (what kinds of toys, how much chatter, etc.)

-Rules and protocols
If you have rules or protocols, they should have been outlined in the expectations step, but early in the scene is typically when I act on them.  This may be having my partner kneel, or it may be “gearing up” as it were.  This would be around the time when I pull out any chastity devices for example or quiz my partner on relevant behaviors.

-Build persona if desired
If you’re doing any sort of role playing this is also the time where you’re going to be most in character.  Later you’ll either be into it and not have to focus or that will drop away in the scene, but early on is the time to focus on language,  protocol, set up, lighting, etc.

Mid-scene
Questions to ask:
Pick a number from 5-10.
Pick one thing that scares you and one treat.
Still with me?  Ready for more?
Note the statements and yes/no questions!

-Build intensity
Pretty self-explanatory but this is usually when I have the highest levels of sustained pain or discomfort come in.  Usually I also see a drop off in chatter from my bottom here, so I look for cues especially in new partners in so far as hand movement, eye contact, and facial expression go.  Depending on that I’ll look for responsiveness (squeeze their fingers and see how long it takes them to register and mimic the gesture for example).  This is also where I do the most checking-in to gauge pain tolerance and desirability.   Typically I do this by allowing my bottom to pick the number of strokes from a range (newer partners) or asking “what’s your safeword” (most established partners whom I want to push harder).

-Validate experience
Personally, if I’m hurting you I’m not going to tell you this doesn’t hurt.  That said, there is a lot of power in denying experiences (just think about the last time your were in hospital and someone told you the you weren’t having the symptoms you experienced) It serves to make you feel unheard, lost, confused, and poorly cared for.  In the right context, awesome, but not usually the way I play.  So I like to let my partner know I know this hurts if that’s the case, and acknowledge however they’re expressing submission.

-Don’t ask tough questions
Don’t renegotiate here.  I’ve learned the hard way that it is damn hard to get a complete sentence out of a bottom in the middle of a scene.  This is not the time to ask about the future (When do you have to be home to your wife?) or about what they want in open terms.  I will sometimes ask “which of these two things do you want to be hurt with.” Or give a guided choice such as laying out a number of toys and having someone pick the one they are scared of, or a treat, or one they’ve never used before and are curious about, but limit possible answers and make it easy to get the right answer.

End of scene
Questions to ask:
You’re doing great, will you take 10 more for me?”
How are you feeling?

-Big request or cool-down
This is a good time to start wrapping up, landing softer blows and transitioning to more gentle petting.  This is also the point where I will sometimes put in a “big ask” something I am pretty confident my partner can handle, but they may be nervous about.  Three more cane strokes for example, or one more needle, etc.  Pace what you’re doing to your partners capabilities though, and let them succeed.  If they agree to 10 more strokes and you realize that’s too much, land softer blows.  Realize that getting through what you’re asking your partner can be really really important for them at this point, especially if you have an established play dynamic, so make it possible for them to succeed and work through the challenge with them.  I’m usually honest about what’s coming with a big ask, but this is another space where you can capitalize on fear and helplessness if you so desire.  Saying 3 and landing 5 blows may be fun or funny at the beginning of a scene, but at this stage of the scene it can very challenging.  Another stylistic difference I’m interested in is I tend to use the big ask as just that, an ask; “will you take more for me?” or “This is going to hurt a lot, are you ready to do that for me?”  I’ve seen other people do the same thing in a more forceful “I’m not done with you yet!” kind of way, which is totally hot and works for a lot of people.  I think I personally get off on my partner willingly taking pain to please me, though, so I ask.

-Praise
Your partner has been through a lot, tell them you appreciate it.  I like to pick specific things/moments to praise because that feels more genuine, but typically if your partner is in a floaty submissive head space they want to know they did a good job for you, plus lavish praise pairs well with big asks.

-Positive touch
A lot of the ways you touched your partner for the last little while has been purposefully painful, this is a nice time to bring them down with soft gentle touch.

Aftercare
Questions to ask:
Not many other than “would you like some water?” offer lots of praise instead.

-Attention to headspace
I like to keep a close eye on this one.  Most rewarding for me is partners who let themselves stay in a floaty headspace for a while after the scene, but some people need to come right out of it to feel safe.

-Headspace appropriate interaction
Depending on where my partner is the interaction changes.  Some people recoup by kneeling at my feet while I play with their hair, others want me to get them a snack and see them as equals right away.  I try to make the transition gentle so I tend to defer to where my partner seems to be leading especially with new interactions.  Don’t ask questions your partner can’t answer yet.  Another thing I learned the hard way is making care appropriate to their space: with a partner who comes up quickly I can ask them what they’d like, if I can get them a snack or what not.  With a partner who stays in headspace I usually put them somewhere safe and warm and quiet let them know they can stay there and then bring them a snack or whatever seems appropriate.

-Praise
Praise in this context is a lot like above but also somewhat varied with headspace.  Some people come down hard when they play and don’t want to hear about how they were a “good boy” even if that was ok 10 minutes ago.  Where as praise in scene is often about how good my partner makes me feel or how good they are doing for me, praise post play can be more neutral.  “That was hot.” vs “You’re doing a very good job for me.”

-Positive touch
As above, soft, gentle touch on neutral body parts to help your partner reconnect with the world around them.

-Physical care
This is a great time for food, watter, band aids, etc.

NOTE: You’ve probably gathered that this is from a top’s perspective.  I would love to see this breakdown from the other side…

Yogi in the dungeon?

Last night I played in my yoga clothes. I didn’t plan to. I didn’t plan to play really…I planned on a quiet mellow evening. We ordered Chinese and while we waited for the delivery I wanted to get the kink out of my hip flexors (no pun intended). I changed into yoga pants and stayed in them through the evening. Of course one thing led to another and shortly after dinner I was relishing the sight of a man on his knees on my concrete bedroom floor. And I was, naturally, still in my yoga clothes.

On some level I find this absurd. I found it especially absurd when he called me mistress — a title I last used while pro-domming, and so one I associate with a certain look. A look, I’m sure you understand, that does not include stretchy pants and a tanktop. On the other hand, I have better scenes when I’m comfortable, and it’s hard to get comfortable in a corset and 6″ heels.  The trappings of BDSM are really interesting though.  They setup a context, almost like a bounding box.  They, theoretically, get us in the mood, and help set the scene — we didn’t need the help it seems.

Later my partner suggested a yoga-wear themed play party. I think that’s an awesome idea not only because it will be comfortable, but because it inspires me to take more lessons from my yoga practice into the bedroom.  Besides which, it’s totally worth while for the mindfuck.

Starting from the beginning

“Breathe. Don’t forget to breathe.” I lean in putting my weight on his back, wrapping my hands around his wrists, and bite into his shoulder. I take my time, letting him get used to the pressure of my teeth on his skin, waiting for his breathing to steady, then bite down harder. I hear him gasp, and exaggerate my exhale willing him to keep pace with my breath.

I recently had the pleasure of playing with someone who is fairly new to kink. Yum. What, you wanted more nuance than “yum?” Playing with someone new is always a trip, but playing with someone who is new to the whole idea of kink goes beyond pickup play. My inner sadist definitely gets off on hurting someone who is still surprised by it. I do get off on vulnerability after all. There is, of course, something very powerful in the trust a bottom places in me regardless of the bottom’s experience level, but there is something different about getting to introduce someone to my favorite toys for the fist time.

There is also more for me to think about. I’m not sure how hard I can push before he runs for the hills, or where his landmines are. Not sure if I’m explaining too much or not enough. I check in constantly, and then worry that I’m pulling him out of a perfectly good headspace by asking if he’s ok. I’m amazed by how much pain he can take, but tread lightly anyway.  Definitely a balance.

Tell me about your first scene…

Finding a houseboy (part one)

I got poetry. I got pictures of penises. I got some very heartfelt sounding propositions and at least one statement of “bitch, you crazy.” I got advice from friends, along with a list of recommended interview questions.

All this is because I posted a craigslist ad looking for a houseboy. It’s something I’ve been thinking about for ages, and I think my own life is stable enough right now that I can bring in people that are dependent on my whim to some degree or another. My ad contained very little information about me, no physical description, and a request that I be spared pictures of penises. By and large I think this worked out well, though I have yet to make an actual decision, and have spent the last two hours sorting through email and trying to reply to as many as I could.

Anyone else care to share their houseboy experiences?

Can it be some things are sacred?

There are two scenes from last week that I keep meaning to write about but just can’t seem to make it happen maybe there are some details of my life that are in fact not for public consumption. I topped in the first scene and bottomed in the second; both were amazingly intense. I was in a low tech mood, which for me means I don’t want to make it look pretty, tie you up, or wear a costume. I just want to push you up against a wall and beat, punch, and slap the hell out of you. I got to do just that with May (who also kindly agreed to be blogged about). A week and a half later my brain is still in a puddle trying to get over just how yummy this boy is. Possibly too yummy for his own good – I tried to cool down two or three times and kept finding that he was so much fun to hurt I didn’t want to stop yet. I really like knowing that on some level the person I’m hurting wants to be hurt. I definitely got that from May (and I trust he’ll forgive me for not tying him down on account of it?). I went at him with two very different toys. The first was the kind of intimidating thing you expect people to be sacred of – a piece of metal piping covered with heat-shrink. The second, an evil stick, looks very cute and dainty but leaves much more obvious marks. Both rate very well on my effort to pain chart. It’s funny, I have a lot of toys most of which spend their lives in the back of my closet — I guess I prefer a more hands on approach – but these two seem to always make an appearance when I make new friends. Have you ever simultaneously wanted to really hurt someone and protect them from the world? I think I feel this way to some degree every time I top, but perhaps because I got to hurt May more than I’ve hurt most other people in the past the feeling was especially pronounced this time. It’s an interesting headspace to balance.

The second person I played with that night had the interesting challenge of bringing me from top space to sub space while also dealing with the fact that I was in a fragile headspace due to outside factors. I would say that I didn’t believe it was possible, but he’s very good at what he does and I knew that. Sub space is a fairly new thing for me. I’ve bottomed for a long time, but I am fundamentally a pushy broad and given half a chance to take control I will. Good thing the person I was playing with didn’t give me any fragment of a chance I’m not entirely sure that I want to talk about my own vulnerability here. The kind of connection I make with my top when I actually hit subspace isn’t something I really want expose to the outside world, at least not yet. I will tell you however, that canes are very, very wonderful implements, and that the problem with having your backside be black and blue isn’t that you can’t sit per se, so much as it is that you will be awfully distracted for a couple of days…

Looong weekend

Pain to effort ratio:
So I have this belief that I should find the least difficult method to cause the most amount of pain. I think I get this from being a very petite girl with a taste for masochists. Last night I discovered that metal tubing covered in that rubbery heat-shrink stuff leaves wonderful bruises with very little work on my part. I started last night afraid I won’t hit hard enough and ended it afraid that my partner wouldn’t be able to sit today. I think I should worry less all around, and in the mean time I decided to improve my pain causing efficiency and purchased my first single tail today…let the target practice commence.

Negotiating aftercare:
So I learned a while ago that I need to negotiate for my aftercare when I bottom. I think I figured this out sometime between getting back to my hotel room at a kink event and sobbing for no good reason and walking up to a partner at a play party shortly after a scene and explaining that I can’t get from walking into the kitchen area to actually having food on a plate and eating it. Perhaps I require more aftercare than the average girl so in keeping with my theory that telling people all the bullshit up front so they can agree to it knowingly makes life easier I started negotiating for my after care. I have to say I am significantly happier with my bottoming experiences when I do this. Sub-space is strange, and when you are high on endorphins and completely out of your head or in a totally different part of your head you do silly things like decide that if you get untied it’s because people don’t like you any more or try to do things involving fine motor skills when you can’t walk in a straight line. Good aftercare really, seriously makes a difference. It gives me time to reconcile subspace with reality before I have to cope with reality and it also helps ensure that my body isn’t further stressed by things like cold or dehydration which I’m not good at recognizing immediately after a scene. Really I think this whole long paragraph was written so I can say yay for tops to carry Gatorade in their toy bags; I’m gonna start doing that too.

Home again:
Today I went to the NELA fetish flea. I got about 3 feet past the door and saw someone I knew, and then another person I knew, and then a few more until I felt I would spend half the day standing by the doorway hugging people I haven’t seen in a year. I did not in fact spend all day in the doorway. I walked around, ran into my old studio manager who has sold the space and moved on to other projects, reconnected with old friends and business acquaintances, met up with Maymay, and saw a woman I have a habit of boinking 2 weeks before a long distance move along with an army of other past (and possibly current) lovers. I bought a single tail (with Calico’s help), and avoided the Circlet Press table except to hug people I knew because moving books cross country is not so much with the fun (though you should totally check them out for all your bondage sci-fi erotica needs). I saw the Boston skyline coming in off I-95 and talked to people for whom all directions begin with the infinite corridor. Life is good, and soon I move again. (And this too is a good thing.)

The scary places we avoid

[I wrote this after talking to a friend about some very politically incorrect fantasies. However, I've been thinking a lot recently about things that are taboo in the queer scene or the alt sex scene including showing vulnerability as a top, and it's been hard to write about those. I am a part of a community, and even if it's a community based on breaking taboos it is still pretty firm on it's boundaries and systems of inclusion. So this is a tease and I promise something that was actually scary to write next week.]

 

Sometimes I write something and am immediately moved by the desire to delete it. I am not ready to fess up to it, or I worry that left to stand on it’s own it is too off putting. It will be misunderstood and so to the chagrin of every journalism professor I’ve ever met I will add more words. I will add qualifiers until the original statement is so muddled it could not offend anyone if it tried.

But you know what? Sometimes those scary places are worth going to. I was having a conversation with a friend about eroticizing torture, as in real life people are going to die torture. That was not a comfortable conversation for me to have, but it is provocative. It is wrong and bad and dirty and that is what makes it hot. Sexuality is a really complex thing and sometimes I am shocked by the things that turn me on, but hiding it doesn’t make it go away. We’ve tried that, we know.

This is why we have things like SSC* and RACK.** Some things are just not ok. Torturing people in real life is not ok; genocide is wrong and I hope we can all agree on that. But these things make for a rich tapestry of sexual fantasy. That’s the key word – “fantasy.” I like to make people suffer because I know that on some level through the paradox of kink they enjoy it. They enjoy it even while they hate it, and hate me for doing this to them. This is their fantasy as well as mine, and while it may borrow from a vast library of real life violence and exploitation its true origin is still desire and consent.

* Safe, Sane and Consensual.

** Risk Aware Consensual Kink

Memories

He is leaning forward just a little, grasping the mantle.  I’m not hitting very hard, but I am starting to feel the weight of the flogger in my shoulder; later I expect a massage.  The flogger has little metal rings woven through the leather, and they leave a collage of tiny red crescents on his back.  The rings jingle and make me think of Christmas.  He tenses his back at the sound and I wait for him to relax before delivering the blow; quick, and sharp before he has a chance to respond to the telltale jingle.

She is lying on my bed as I test the candle on the inside of my wrist like an over protective mother warming her first bottle.  We are young and dumb, but we have the good sense to do our research.  We have the benefit of the internet too, and so armed with normal, white, unscented household candles and the knowledge that my mother will not be home for days we take our first stab at this kinky sex business.  All the cool kids are doing it. 

Years later there is another girl, this time she is laid out in a dungeon.  No longer scared or tentative, I still test the temperature of the candles on the inside of my wrist.  I know she can take the heat, and so I focus on pushing her mind.  She is sassy, and I love it, but I admonish her none the less.  I ask her for the things I know she doesn’t want to give and wonder if I’m not making a mistake.  But I have learned since those first few steps that sometimes you have to give them what they hate to keep them coming back.