Kink in exile

Notes from a kinky nomad

A splintered scene

I feel like maybe I should start this blog off with something fun, and titillating.  However, the splintering in the kink community is something that has been on my mind of late, and so I’m going to start with something political.  Next week I promise something sexy…

There is a phenomenon in the kink scene that I don’t understand.  We are a small, often times ostracized, community.  I expect there to be some kind of solidarity, and yet the scene strikes me as being incredibly splintered.  Naturally we have different interests, we have different groups too that cater to and support those interests.  But, why must we criticize each other so often?  There is a big difference between “that is not how I play,” and “that’s the wrong way to play.”  And the separation doesn’t end at our scenes.  We carry it through judging people by age, sexual preference, and group affiliation.  This person plays too hard, that other not hard enough.  Are we really so insecure in our own individual sexualities that we feel threatened by anything and everything that is different? 

I am not asking you to try things that don’t turn you on.  In fact, I think having respect for other people’s desires includes respecting their right to not participate in any activity they don’t desire.  Sexual liberation is not about every human being’s right to engage in the kind of sexual expression that you enjoy.  It is about the right of every adult to determine for themselves how they wish to express their sexuality.  It is about being able to say “thank you, but I’m not interested in this,” without saying “this is disgusting and wrong how could you ask me to do it?!” and still have your “no” respected.

Sure there are things that bother me.  There are things that make me feel physically ill when I see them, and there are scenes that challenge my spiritual and political beliefs.  But there are people who enjoy them, who have every right to enjoy them, and who do not force me to stay and watch.  So if it bothers me I walk away.  Because I have been lucky enough to have some really twisted sex and some pretty bloody scenes outside of the privacy of my own bedroom, and if you play in a glass dungeon you probably shouldn’t throw bricks. 

Written by kinkinexile

June 21, 2007 at 4:01 pm

Posted in community, politics

4 Responses

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  1. Well stated. I agree wholeheartedly. It is forever baffling to me why someone who has so felt so ostracized and marginalized by the world at large is suddenly so eager to do just that to others who have been similarly persecuted.

    I’m looking forward to more of your posts. Consider yourself blogrolled.

    maymay

    June 22, 2007 at 4:06 am

  2. 5 years, and I grok the social theory behind this. 5 more till we break through the dichotomy and move away from creation of other?

    kinkinexile

    March 6, 2012 at 11:05 pm

  3. […] years ago I wrote this.  I was mystified at the time by what I described as a “splintered scene.”  After […]

  4. […] are two important pieces of information in that.  The first is that I am anti-community, as in anti- clique, anti-shroud of secrecy and ingroup/outgroup dynamics, anti-othering, and anti-boarder policing; […]


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