The scary places we avoid
[I wrote this after talking to a friend about some very politically incorrect fantasies. However, I’ve been thinking a lot recently about things that are taboo in the queer scene or the alt sex scene including showing vulnerability as a top, and it’s been hard to write about those. I am a part of a community, and even if it’s a community based on breaking taboos it is still pretty firm on it’s boundaries and systems of inclusion. So this is a tease and I promise something that was actually scary to write next week.]
Sometimes I write something and am immediately moved by the desire to delete it. I am not ready to fess up to it, or I worry that left to stand on it’s own it is too off putting. It will be misunderstood and so to the chagrin of every journalism professor I’ve ever met I will add more words. I will add qualifiers until the original statement is so muddled it could not offend anyone if it tried.
But you know what? Sometimes those scary places are worth going to. I was having a conversation with a friend about eroticizing torture, as in real life people are going to die torture. That was not a comfortable conversation for me to have, but it is provocative. It is wrong and bad and dirty and that is what makes it hot. Sexuality is a really complex thing and sometimes I am shocked by the things that turn me on, but hiding it doesn’t make it go away. We’ve tried that, we know.
This is why we have things like SSC* and RACK.** Some things are just not ok. Torturing people in real life is not ok; genocide is wrong and I hope we can all agree on that. But these things make for a rich tapestry of sexual fantasy. That’s the key word – “fantasy.” I like to make people suffer because I know that on some level through the paradox of kink they enjoy it. They enjoy it even while they hate it, and hate me for doing this to them. This is their fantasy as well as mine, and while it may borrow from a vast library of real life violence and exploitation its true origin is still desire and consent.
* Safe, Sane and Consensual.
** Risk Aware Consensual Kink