Kink in exile

Notes from a kinky nomad

Kinky Reality

I seem to be having a lot of conversations and reading a lot of posts about the different styles of BDSM play out there. I don’t mean one fetish vs. another so much as the way one groups of people engages in the pursuit of their fetishes vs. another group.

Personally, I don’t go for protocol. I like rules and mores because they are fun to break, and prod at.   Kink is a large part of my identity but it is surrounded by other aspects of my self identity such as geek, photographer, yoga student, and more recently humanitarian aid worker.   I tend to not get along too well with people who expect the entire world to follow their protocols.

Don’t get me wrong, I have a lot of respect for old guard traditions, but I am damn glad that I was born in a different generation.  What I will not abide by is people of my generation using our community’s history to push their own style of play on others.

I tend to play in a very loose fashion.  You can set very strict rules for a scene, and you can have protocol in a scene, and that’s hot, but it is distinctly different than real life.  However, I’ve met people who even if they are not in a d/s relationship carry their scenes through their everyday life.  This might be as blatant as the assumption that all women are submissive (or conversely that all women are superior to men) or as subtle as believing that every relationship inherently has a top and a bottom.

I was discussing this with one of my partners last night and he likened this kind of kink absorbed lifestyle to orthodox religious beliefs.  This kind of makes sense in that it creates a moral structure of a sort, and a system one can abide by.  However, in that sense my commitment to being a geek, or even sexually radical in my own style can be likened to religious affiliation.

To a large degree this is a personal difference.  While I would not be happy playing in an environment where roles were strictly adhered to and protocol held sacred, I know that others get their pleasure from rules, protocols, and strict adherence to d/s roles.  That said, there is a point where a line into reality is crossed in a way that I can not comprehend and further want nothing to do with.

What is a “real slave?” Keep in mind that I work in a country where human trafficking is a problem.  In that sense a real slave is an 8 year old girl sold or kidnapped into (often sexual) slavery.  What we do as practitioners of BDSM is between consenting adults.  It can be very real in that the emotions and physical sensations are real — we do not pull our punches, and the blood is real — but we are there because we want to be there.  The bottom line is we are bleeding because we want to be bleeding.  Consent is what separates this from abuse, which is why I get very confused when I hear people reminiscing about how they wish this could be more real.

The other part of this consenting adults business is the word “adult.”  Seriously, if you are engaging in BDSM you need to be an adult, not just in so far as the age on your driver’s license but in your cognitive and decision making capacity.  I have seen more than one d/s relationship that seemed to be founded on at least one of the partner’s fear of being an adult and having to make decisions.  Explain to me again how you willingly give power to your master or mistress if you don’t have that power to begin with?  Submitting has to come from a place of power and control over your life, otherwise what’s the point? Otherwise you are not handing control of your life or even your evening over to your dominant, you are seeking out a caretaker.

So tell me, what role does protocol play in your life?  Is kink a regular part of your life or something you do one weekend a month?  And if you are in a d/s relationship, how do those very real power dynamics interact with the reality of you being a free citizen?

Written by kinkinexile

August 3, 2007 at 9:34 am

2 Responses

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  1. I agree here really with what you have said. For me BDSM is a sexual fantasy, but one that when i am engaging in it does feel very ‘real’ and yes i do feel as though i am his ‘slave’ in the way he & I define it within that fantasy. I dont believe in protocals or excessive rules, i try and aim to be a good submissive for him (and he a good Dom for me) and that i think is the main point of it all you know. That and it should be fun. I dont think its healthy to allow your fantasies to overake your real-life i think you need to still do other things as well, work, have a family, socialise etc. I think women (and i suppose men) who sink into the fantasy of having their lives totally micro-managed totally lose grip of what is actually reality!

    xx

    This Girl

    August 3, 2007 at 6:17 pm

  2. My Joscelin would like for me to put in a more constrained box with protocols. We currently have three, to wit:

    (1) When he hands me stuff, he has to do it one knee. If we’re in public or around non-bdsm friends, he has to put one foot behind the other to do it instead, as subtly as possible.
    (2) When we’re alone together, and he is sitting, his legs must be parted.
    (3) He can’t open the car door to get out before I do.

    He would like me to hold him to a lot of standards and punish him frequently and non-shamingly for his non-adherence, if any. I think that is a sexy thought too, but the truth is, the “box” I have for him is gigantic and he just doesn’t transgress. I love him to be like himself all the time.

    I call him my “slave” for reasons I described here. But he’s not my “real” slave even in a bdsm way, and certainly not in a real life way.

    devastatingyet

    August 19, 2007 at 2:48 am


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