Kink in exile

Notes from a kinky nomad

Inner Peace Through Pain

Continuing with the theme of kink and reality I’m curious as to what motivates us to do this.  I’m sure there are a lot of different reasons, motivations, and explanations just as there are different styles of play.  What are they?  What is the primary thing that drives you to BDSM?  How did you find this?

I maintain that I was born this way.  Then again, I was raised by outrageously permissive, pacifist, over-educated, liberals.  Maybe this is just my teenage rebellion against an atmosphere of egalitarianism.  Ok, maybe not.

I get off on kink, yes.  But beyond the immediate gratification of what makes me wet, I can’t imagine life without kink.  I don’t want to imagine it; it wouldn’t be my life.  A lot of this ties back to the fact that I believe that the pursuit of pleasure is fundamentally healing.  Hedonism will save the world. 

When we embrace our desires instead of fighting them or judging them we are more comfortable with ourselves.  We are more open to other people’s ideas too, because we are not in a position to feel threatened.  Treating ourselves and our desires with loving kindness allows us to walk more gently in the world.  

I am sitting here trying to find a way to write that those brutal, vicious things we do to each other in dungeons, bedrooms, and back alleys help us walk gently in the world.  The bite marks on my lover’s neck are an expression of loving kindness.  The scars on my body are a part of the healing path.  And this is so obviously a contradiction, and yet, for me, it is such an obvious pairing. 

I am reading Anne Rice’s Exit to Eden in which her characters use BDSM to explore and confront real-world violence.  However, what I mean by healing is a lot more subtle, and a lot more personal.  BDSM is not a tool to change the world.  It is a tool that brings me more in-tune with myself.  It is a space in which I can not lie to myself, and a space in which I don’t need to cover up my desires.  It is personally healing, but it also falls squarely in the domain of the wealthy – not because you need money to play, but because you need leisure time to think about this kind of thing.  While there are accounts of romances in concentration camps, those busy surviving do not, by and large, have time for hedonism.  Make no mistake, while we might address real world power dynamics in our play I doubt that those affected by real-world, systematic, violence are spending precious time sexualizing genocide and famine. 

That said, how do those of us who do have time, interest, and access to the BDSM scene use it?  Is it another bullet point on your sexual resume?  Is it a fun game to play on the weekends, and not really think about the rest of the time?  On the other hand is it an identity?  Or perhaps a tool for exploring your identity?  A healing tool such as described by Dossie Easton in her talks on shadow play?

Written by kinkinexile

August 7, 2007 at 2:14 pm

3 Responses

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  1. This is a pretty difficult thing to quatify for me because I, too, can’t imagine a life without kink. I don’t think it’s so much a healing thing for me as much as it is a soothing thing, though I’d be hard pressed to define the distinction.


    August 7, 2007 at 4:36 pm

  2. Another bullet point in a way. I’ve been perfectly happy in passionate relationships without BDSM. After the early days of shedding my virginity and discovering the joys of getting naked with (then) guys my romantic nature came to define my sexuality while issues like gender dropped away.

    But my current romantic partnership involves both power exchange and sadomasochism. At this stage of my life BDSM is consuming. Since my romance is intermittently long distance I sometimes lie around craving to have her here happily swatting me with her cane.

    If this relationship ends I have no idea how kink and fetish will fit in my life if at all.


    August 14, 2007 at 7:11 pm

  3. Ah,
    BDSM is where I live. It is my sexuality, my art, my joy and my freedom. I truly don’t have many friends outside of the kink community and even those who are not “into” it, are very supportive.
    In my relationships I am able to be all there is inside of me. I can be the sadistic Domme for whom the act of causing pain is as much an act of love as that of causing pleasure; the curious Top doing experiments just to see how it works; the masochist who simply wants sensation; the Submissive masochist who fulfils her Sir’s needs and desires; the Sacred Whore, the wanton slut…oh, the list does go on.
    I can’t and won’t separate myself into compartments and just take things out and put them on for awhile. They are all integrated in me and I find that, the older I am, the more integrated and important expressing myself through my kink becomes. Of course, my kink also includes my artistic expressions (sewing, sculpting, writing) as well as my joy in historical research…so..
    it is all wrapped up together in one big bundle and I will die a very old kinky lady!


    September 8, 2007 at 3:43 pm

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