Kink in exile

Notes from a kinky nomad

Subsection of a subculture

A lot of people find one part of the kink scene or another that interests them based on their fetishes or sexual preferences, however, I have a different type of distinction to work with.  Sure I have my own specific fetishes as well as things I would rather like to avoid, but more importantly than those specifics is the way in which I approach those specifics.  I am, fundamentally, a geek.  I had my first crush on a computer geek in the 7th grade – he taught me about denial of service attacks on our first, and only, date.  I never went back to the mainstream.  Intelligence is damn sexy, and part of that includes habitually questioning the world around you.  This means not only questioning the status quo but also the assumptions inherent in your lifestyle and subculture.

There are a lot of rules in kink.  Some are written out, created by dungeon owners and steering committees to keep people safe and prevent liable law suits.  Others are more subtle; they are the mores, and assumptions of our community.  But the interesting part is that the BDSM community is not one solid unit.  There are subsections within this subculture and each group has its own rules both spoken and unspoken.

When I say the BDSM community is my tribe what I really mean is that the sex positive, creative, gender bending, queer friendly, geek friendly subsection of the BDSM community is my tribe.  A shared interest in bondage does not a good match make.  If you ever sat through a kink event with the somewhat creepy feeling that the only thing you have in common with these people is your specific fetish and you would never talk to them otherwise you know what I mean. 

I guess what I’m interested in is what are our various ways of doing kink and what they’re based on?

I once attended a play event that ran over the course of a long weekend at the home of a friend.  There were two groups of people that struck me.  The first was a pagan couple in a d/s relationship.  They fit neatly into “my tribe” although I can’t specifically say why as I am much more firmly based on the s/m spectrum then the d/s spectrum.

The second group of people consisted of two couples, who seemed surrounded by an aura of protocols that no one else could transcend.  They interacted differently.  They interacted differently with everyone, not just their partners.  Again it wasn’t something I could put my finger on beyond saying “their scene ended, but it didn’t end.”  I suspect that the explanation is not as simple as saying they were in a formal d/s relationship because the pagan couple was as well.  Perhaps the distinction has a lot more to do with our outside lives.  After all, our non-kink environments inform our values and our expectations of interpersonal interactions.  Of course this is not to say that any one value system is inherently better, but we all have our comfort zones.

I guess I really do have a lot more in common with people who identify as vanilla but work in the creative field and are generally open minded than I do with people who identify as kinky but are also politically and socially conservative.

So what is your tribe?

Written by kinkinexile

October 19, 2007 at 10:49 am

2 Responses

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  1. Great distinctions. Thanks for writing them down.


    October 20, 2007 at 1:18 am

  2. Mid-nineties immigrant children :).


    October 22, 2007 at 7:14 pm

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