Kink in exile

Notes from a kinky nomad

Weekend warrior

I was talking to a friend last night about the tendency to not consider kink to be sexual or kinky relationships to be Relationships [sic]. It’s odd, like some people are kinky weekend warriors. Kink is a guilty pleasure they never think about unless they’re doing it — like fantasy football.

The person I spoke to about this has had more than her share of bad experiences trying to relate to someone who only wanted to talk to her in the dungeon. It’s a contextual miss-match, and if you happen to be the full time kinky person involved, it’s insulting.

A relative of mine (who has spent the better part of the last 25 years in an open marriage) described being the other woman as follows:
The other woman is like the theater. You go to the theater when you’re bored and want some color in your life. The theater doesn’t, in general, call you and ask you to see more shows, or to see last night’s show again. It doesn’t have a birthday, or a favorite color. It is something you fit into your life when time and budget permit and don’t miss much otherwise.

Now there are many ways to do open relationships and many ways to be the other woman, but by and large that “theater” space is the one that my friend and I find ourselves relegated to on the rare occasion that we have interacted with the kinky weekend warrior.

The confusing part is that I have been in relationships that were primarily friendships with occasional kink and those have been lovely. I don’t know what the difference was. Perhaps it was the distancing or lack there of? Perhaps shared context?

Written by kinkinexile

April 16, 2009 at 2:11 pm

2 Responses

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  1. This struck a chord.

    The ‘weekend warrior’ is a reason I don’t go to a local bdsm club any longer. For some of the people at the club, bdsm was something integrated into their relationships. It was part of their personality.

    But for others, it was something they “did” at the club and only on weekends. Several married men attended regularly but without their wives. Two of them told me that they explained to their (non-kinky) wives that it was ‘just like going to a bar to see a football game’.

    As you say: insulting. Disappointing and insulting.


    April 16, 2009 at 5:01 pm

  2. Personally, I think the difference there is friendship, not kink. When you can only connect to someone on their limited terms, can you really be friends? If they see you as the theatre, how real is the friendship?


    April 16, 2009 at 8:09 pm

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