Kink in exile

Notes from a kinky nomad

Love hurts

I get off on hurting my boy.  I get off in that very viseral sexual way when I see him grit his teeth against the pain or watch the bruises come up, but I also get off in some other more emotional way when I know he is taking the pain because he wants to please me.  And then I feel guilty, and that’s the weird part.  I don’t feel guilty about hurting other people.  I might feel guilty if, heaven forbid, I hurt them in a bad way, or hurt them in a way they didn’t like, but I don’t feel guilty about the act of hurting — they get off on it and so do I.

But I feel guilty about hurting my boy.  It is as if my desire to protect my pet from harm extends to a desire to protect him from the pain I inflict.  I do not, mind, feel guilty if he resists, or if he teases or taunts me (all in good humor), but rather I feel guilty when he is good.  I feel guilty precisely because he is good, because he subjects himself to pain for my pleasure, and this makes him precious to me.  It’s a strange kind of guilt too.  Not the kind you are meant to feel over being mean to another human being (“what have I done” guilt), but rather that kind of pang of regret or loss you feel when you notice you’ve damaged a precious heirloom.

I feel bad for him.  Look at this lovely creature who does so much to please me and what does he get in return?  Torture.  And I know on some level he enjoys it in that strange and complicated way that BDSM allows us to enjoy the things we hate.  I know he wouldn’t allow it if he did not enjoy some part of it.  He asks me to hurt him, and I get off on hurting him and I still feel bad about huring him.  Why, pray tell, does my brain work this way and do others feel similarly?

Written by kinkinexile

October 4, 2009 at 8:26 pm

Posted in headspace, personal, topping

One Response

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  1. Maybe you could set up a win-win situation where he would break the rules (inevitably) and then get punished (it’s only fair).


    October 6, 2009 at 9:51 am

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