Kink in exile

Notes from a kinky nomad

Marriage advice from a single girl

I’m reading Helping Me Help Myself, a book in which Beth Lisick describes her experience following the advice of ten self help books over the course of a year. I’m on the chapter about marriage and Lisick is reading Men Are From Mars Women Are From Venus. I don’t think I can subject myself to that kind of insanity especially as I am working on being less angry just now. From what Lisick writes of the book however, it seems that Mars/Venus uses (pop)psychology to explain away difficulties and attribute them to what is in my opinion over-blown gender differences. One things caught my attention in that it made systems of appreciation gender-based — to make a woman happy do nice things for her, be helpful, and put the toilet seat down. To make a man happy appreciate all the nice things he does for you and give him rewards. Seems a little narrow to me, but ok.

Anyway, I decided to write up my own marriage advice. Take it with a grain of salt, do your own research, and don’t sue me if it doesn’t work.

1) Love means never having to ask is complete and total bullshit. If you want something you should ask for it. Don’t call your partner and start on a rant of “I’m just so behind today and there’s no way I can stop at the store and I’m hungry and I really wish I didn’t have to stop at the store and I have a late meeting” in hopes that your partner will say “oh, honey, do you want me to take you out for dinner?” Instead just call and say, “Honey can you stop at the store on your way home, I’m having a hard day.” Be prepared that they may say no, but hey, they might say yes.

2) Men seems to like it when you tell them that they turn you on. I sure as hell like wiggling my butt first thing in the morning and feeling my partner get excited so I’d say this isn’t a gendered thing. Tell your partner or spouse that they make you hot, show them the proof, take your time to tease or send a naughty text in the middle of the day. Stay sexually connected. If your partner doesn’t turn you on you should probably do something about this — consider a book (erotic or self help) or a toy to share. A June 3rd New York Times article, When Sex Leaves the Marriage, says that on average married couples in America have sex 58 times per year and also states “There is a feedback relationship in most couples between happiness and having sex. Happy couples have more sex, and the more sex a couple has, the happier they report being.” So you see, sex is important.

3) Talk. Ok, obviously you need to talk if there’s a problem, but talk when there isn’t a problem. Make time for eachother, know your partner’s interest, ask what they’ve done today. seriously, how many couples do you see who have nothing to talk about, no shared interests, where one partner doesn’t know what the other does for a living and doesn’t care. How do you build a connection on that?

4) Ignore relationship advice and do what seems right for your relationship. Enough said.

5) Find out how your partner likes to be appreciated and appreciate them in that way. If they think a card says it all, don’t build them a spice rack or make dinner and neglect the card just cause you want a spice rack.

Again, this is marriage advice from someone who has never ever been married, so take it with a huge grain of salt. I take no responsibility for marriages, divorces, babies, book sales, or sex related accidents resulting from this post. Use at your own risk.

Written by kinkinexile

November 21, 2009 at 2:43 am

Posted in advice

One Response

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  1. I definitely yelled at a friend of mine who “tests” her boyfriend. Of course, he usually fails.

    Example: She asked him on Tuesday to do grocery shopping and cook on Friday. Friday morning, she says “So, what’s for lunch?” He had nothing planned for any of that yet. That was the wrong answer. She gets up, leaves, goes grocery shopping. By the time she gets back, he has realized he did the wrong thing, and says, “Why didn’t you just tell me that I did the wrong thing?”

    Sigh…

    Ms. Ava Blue

    November 21, 2009 at 2:04 pm


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