Kink in exile

Notes from a kinky nomad

Settling back

I didn’t realize until I sat down with a cup of coffee at my local adult coffee shop how disconnected from kink I’d gotten. Work has been tough and life probably even more so. Now I’m struggling with the idea of separating out time for kink. On the one hand I’m amazed by how much more in tune with sex I get just by making time, away from work, to think about kink. On the other, I don’t want to be saddled with a sense of obligation to be kinky.

A friend of mine has this idea about the ebbs and flows kink libido, which I understand as follows: sometimes you every little scrap of leather has you thinking about trying a 24/7 D/s dynamic or at least a hot drawn out week-long scene. And sometimes your boss forgets that you work part time, your graduate adviser thinks you should do a 180 on your thesis by tomorrow and you have 117 new messages in your inbox, which is to say you just can’t be bothered.

But somehow I had the thought earlier today that being dominant is the promise I made in this relationship. Perhaps it was less explicit than others like say “I will tell you if I have sex with someone else before the next time we have sex,” but it’s still in there. Maybe this is obvious to you. To me it was mind boggling. I can’t tell if layering the kink over a relationship makes it more or less strange. I suppose if we were just meeting up to play the real world wouldn’t matter, and yet it seems like play is vitally important in this “real world” relationship.

Anyway, it’s both sensible and challenging. Sensible because I would be rather confused if he stopped being submissive. In fact I can say from past experience that when my boy isn’t in the mood to be submissive I’m hurt regardless of how reasonable his mood may be. Challenging, however, because dominating someone takes a lot of focus and energy for me and right now my energy is just going to other things. Beyond that being dominant just to please someone doesn’t sit well with me. It’s the latex and blow jobs version of BDSM, which is fine in porn and other settings where money is exchanged for attention, but it just isn’t my thing. It’s work even if it isn’t my job in specific.

I have a couple of possible solutions up my sleeve but I’m curious as to what the rest of you have to say. Any advice?

Written by kinkinexile

January 13, 2010 at 6:34 pm

Posted in Uncategorized

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