Kink in exile

Notes from a kinky nomad

Two faces one coin

I’ve spent the last week trying to catch up on all the sex blogging I’ve been missing out on for months if not years, discovering threads of discourse I had all together missed and finding the blogosphere an entirely different landscape than what it was in 2008. Bloggers I once read daily are no longer around, others are still prolific but have utterly change the subject of their posts, and of course new bloggers materialized.

I’ve considered also dropping this blog by the wayside, allowing to sink the rest of the way to oblivion, and starting from scratch, but then felt guilty as though that was a cheat. So what would I write about now? Am I still a sex blogger if I want to talk about religion and why Slut Walk for all it’s popularity with my friends does not attract me?

I looked at a dear friend of mine recently and said that what I really want to do is teach sex ed in the orthodox Jewish community. There are two main problems with this a) I had no idea this is what I wanted to do until I said it, though of course once the words where out of my mouth it made perfect sense and b) I simply don’t have the access. I am confident that sex positive education can and should happen in that sphere, but would have to be an internal push; a rabbi or maybe a nurse meeting with groups of community leaders who meet in turn with what we in marketing call “alpha moms” and what the activist world calls community leaders. There is of course the added fact that sex-positive education is not a rarity in the Jewish community – in the context of marriage – so even if I had access what would I add to the dialog?

A couple of years ago I took a sex educator training course which focused on the PLISST model: Permission, Limited Information, Specific Suggestion, Therapy. It also taught me that sex ed in the San Francisco bubble is all well and good but you have to learn how to teach outside the bubble. It’s one thing to teach outside your own bubble, but entering someone else’s is, well, tricky. Still, my blue sky solution would be to teach Orthodox Jewish girls to give themselves permission. Not permission to embrace the promiscuity of the outside world, but to take what is acceptable and sacred in their bubble, to know it, and to own it. Yes, Jewish law already gives Jewish women ownership over their sexuality, but what is law without knowledge? Without opportunity?

Why, you may ask, the sudden fascination with an arguably isolationist and conservative religious movement? Because I am tried of owning only one part of me at a time. I could accept not being able to bring kink home for Shabbos, but I haven’t been able to bring Shabbos to my kinky, sex-positive secular world either. This tradeoff gets tiring, and I have the sneaking suspicion that I am not making it because of what others may think but because of the context in which I hold my religious and ethnic background in my own mind.

Written by kinkinexile

August 28, 2011 at 4:49 am

Posted in Uncategorized

One Response

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  1. I could accept not being able to bring kink home for Shabbos, but I haven’t been able to bring Shabbos to my kinky, sex-positive secular world either.

    I cannot speak from the Jewish tradition, because I was raised an Evangelical Fundamentalist Christian. I still hold my Christianity dear, but am much more liberal and understand of my faith, and of my self. So I can only speak from my perspective.

    I was always taught that sex within marriage is a holy thing. I never felt that way, through two marriages. Now that I have embraced my submission, I do see it that way. When I am with Mistress Delila, it is beyond the physical interaction. It is…well, it is holy to me.

    In Christianity, we talk constantly about “bringing Christ to the world.” So I think I understand, a tiny bit, about “bringing Shabbos to [your] kinky world.” It is a constant challenge. And, I think, it is a process that can be learned, but not taught. But I think when we help lift up another human as a worthy and loved spiritual being – not just a hunk of flesh used for pleasure (which has its time and place) – then we have done what we are both (I think) describing.

    I hope this makes as much outside of my head as it does inside.

    Tomio Black

    September 3, 2011 at 2:46 am

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