Kink in exile

Notes from a kinky nomad

quick note about an aha moment

I’ve been spending a lot of cycles recently thinking about consensual non-consent, saying no, and generally being a demanding bitch in that making my partner happy through being mean kind of way.  It often, not always, but often leaves me feeling amazed that my partner isn’t upset with me after I have been mean to him or her.  (In fact all recent instances have resulted in seemingly delighted partners.)  It’s not that I don’t enjoy the process of “I get to tell you when you get to have an orgasm and I’m telling you not yet.”  I love it, and saying I feel guilty is also incorrect.  I just feel like my partner would be well within his rights to be upset with me and I am pleasantly surprised when this isn’t the case.  I expect that this is part of the learning curve…similar to feeling bad when you hit people who beg you to hit them; eventually you learn to manage those feelings.  And then I had a bit of an Aha Moment(tm), I realized that if I feel like I am about to fall off a cliff, then perhaps the boundaries are not clear enough.  And that, that is something I can work with.  Pushing limits can be fun, and I am big on fluid communication and boundary creation, but having clearly defined limits creates a lot of freedom; helpful when you’re new to the game.

Written by kinkinexile

October 4, 2011 at 4:09 am

Posted in headspace, personal, topping

2 Responses

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  1. And then I had a bit of an Aha Moment(tm), I realized that if I feel like I am about to fall off a cliff, then perhaps the boundaries are not clear enough.

    Ohhhh, of course! No wonder I feel so uncertain around things like orgasm denial – when I was dabbling in that with a previous partner, I was never sure where the line was between ‘frustrating but hot’ and ‘too much, now I just think you’re a jerk’.

    mstabbity

    October 5, 2011 at 12:48 am

  2. Yes, exactly mstabbity. That is exactly where I am floundering. I realized that while orgasm control was a part of my last relationship, my partner drove a lot of it – I never said ” yes, right this moment” or “no” so much as I said “how long are you willing to wait for me” and “do _you_ think you’ve earned it.” Still perfectly valid and very hot for me, but different in terms of the nexus of control. In a lot of ways that was easier to navigate than what I’m kinking on now.

    I am still working to figure out where that line of “now I just think you’re a jerk” sits because my perception is that it would be farther out than the “oh good lord you’re mean and I’m not sure I can do this” line I’m actually trying to hit, but until I can narrow in on the former to avoid it I’m not comfortable pushing to the latter.

    kinkinexile

    October 5, 2011 at 1:22 am


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