Working toward monogamy
Written this morning:
I’m slowly waking a little too early in the morning with Black Sabbath, a cup if tea, and way too many fragments of thought working their way through my brain. I’m feeling stuck in my writing – likely a mix of being overly busy, a head cold I can’t shake, and being just downright stuck in my own feelings around some of the things I want to write about.
After being religiously poly for, what, a decade now? I am catching myself looking toward monogamy. The funny part is that my perception of what I want – a contained relationship with occasional other involvements at parties or some other flexible spaces – is monogamy. When I describe it to others they insist that this isn’t actually monogamous at all. Whatever it is, it is different than the arrangements I typically make with my partners and that is giving me pause.
I don’t know if this is a permanent change, though I suspect not. If not, I don’t know how long it may last. I am willing to believe that this is indicative of not being ready to date after my last relationship, but my gut says that’s not the real cause. I am certain that I am burnt out on managing other peoples partners and yet I have historically had solid and friendly relationships, if not close friendships, with my partners’ other lovers.
In part I want to explore more control in a D/s space and that is challenging when your relationship must accommodate others outside of that dynamic. In part I think I’m just shifting to a new life stage and re-thinking how I do relationships is a piece of that. The nice thing though is that I am actually creating a lot of stability in other areas of my life, which gives me bandwidth to shake up my love life so maybe once I stop flipping out about “OMG change” I can have some fun building whatever comes next.
And some evening thoughts:
Ever since going to Arse Elektronika I’ve been fascinated by the idea of Nordic Larping as a way to prototype experience and take deep but time constrained emotional dives. A little while back I was thinking about a fantasy world where I would come home from work one day to dinner on the stove, a naked man scrubbing my bathtub, and two years of shared history behind us. Maymay joked that I should totally LARP this scenario since a LARP (Live Action Role Play) allows you to institute significant history and background in very little time. He did add that I may have to fly to Helsinki to do this, but frankly, I’d be more than happy to fly to Helsinki if I got to do a dry run of my dream relationship model before trying to implement it for realzies…I mean, what if after two years I realize that scrubbing the bathtub is actually how I relax after a long day of work and I no longer have access to that activity?
Which brings me to another question entirely; how is a BDSM scene different from a LARP? And, unrelated, how do you prototype emotional experiences in safe and bound ways while still making them immersive and authentic?