Kink in exile

Notes from a kinky nomad

Where do dominant women go

I love analytics and so I spend a lot of time figuring out where my blog readers come from, what brings them here, and what happens after they leave.  I also get a kick out of reading the google search terms that get people to my blog, and while most are actually searches for toy reviews I saw one today that was “where do dominant women go.”  I did the search myself and found my What Dominant Women Want post on page 3 of the search results.

The really interesting thing for me is that there is an expectation that our questions have answers.  You want to meet a dominant woman and there isn’t one at the corner pub, so you ask google where to find one.  How cool is that?!  No, really, think about it: first you have to figure out you want a dominant partner and admit that to yourself which is cool in and of itself but then you have to be so steeped in the information age that you share your most intimate questions with a search engine and  you phrase it in such a way that makes me believe you expect there to be a clear and easy answer.  That rocks!

But where do dominant women go?  You’ll meet some at kink venues, parties, and munches.  Probably if you live in a metropolitan area, and maybe even if you don’t, you’ll find them at cafes and bookstores, as well as grocery stores, bus stops, laundromats and wherever else people go in the course of their daily lives.  I don’t think we have a supply problem so much as we have a recognition problem.  I don’t believe that you can tell a persons sexual orientation by looking at them across a conference room, so while I wish I had an easy answer, my current approach is to date people I knew a few years ago but haven’t spent much time with since grad school.

Written by kinkinexile

October 19, 2011 at 11:28 pm

Posted in community, headspace

5 Responses

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  1. Huh. You can find me at the thrift store, at work, or the grocery store. Also, drinking insane amounts of coffee. Its not like I’m at working going “I LOVE MAKING BOYS CRY!” (except on the one or two occasions that I do say that.)

    Its kind of silly when people go out of their way to identify in public. A guy came into my bookstore wearing a goddamn flogger tied to his belt. The only convention in the area was a nursing convention. There are no local clubs near my job. There is no reason to wear a flogger to the mall. Sure, he identified, but he looked like kind of a jerk.

    Wendy Blackheart

    October 20, 2011 at 8:54 am

  2. A flogger? Do you happen to run an SM book store? (And if so where and how do I come visit?!)

    But I agree, I don’t identify as a dominant woman in public because, well, it just doesn’t make sense contextually. I do identify on my OKC profile, and when I go to events, and when I’m out with friends if it comes up. I’m loud, bossy, and opinionated enough at work as is.

    Though it does beg the question, if you have a niche sexual interest, how do you find partners if we are all working with other aspects of self in public?

    kinkinexile

    October 22, 2011 at 2:39 pm

    • I love your blog, Alisa, because there are gems like this all over the place:

      I don’t think we have a supply problem so much as we have a recognition problem.

      I think one of the things that might make me love your blog even more is if you took these gems and ran with them, rather than couching them in your (admittedly important to you) moderatism. 🙂

      When you ask:

      if you have a niche sexual interest, how do you find partners if we are all working with other aspects of self in public?

      You are rephrasing in question form the frustration I’ve been repeating for about as long as I’ve been blogging:

      I’m jealous of [normative peoples’] access to a symbology for signaling desires and boundaries to others. How can I ever hope to feel whole when I can’t express submissiveness for fear of signaling meekness, nor desirous for fear of signaling aggression?

      The fact is, the question of whether or not, far be it how, to make ones’ gender and power role desires visible never occurs to the overwhelming majority of people—whether “kinky” or “vanilla”—if they are content or satisfied with most stereotypical “maledom/femsub dynamics” because those dynamics are already presumed.

      It’s like asking an able-bodied person to think about how to describe walking. Why would they ever bother, since it comes so “naturally” to them? You might as well be asking a fish to tell you about swimming.

      maymay

      October 31, 2011 at 3:57 pm

  3. I don’t think we have a supply problem so much as we have a recognition problem.

    I’m sure that’s a big part of it. Mostly, I think we are culturally in a self-awareness desert and lurching towards an oasis of random authenticity. Or, as put more poetically, The world is too much with us…or, better put – we are too much with the world.

    Tomio Black

    October 31, 2011 at 8:04 pm

  4. I don’t think we have a supply problem so much as we have a recognition problem. I don’t believe that you can tell a persons sexual orientation by looking at them across a conference room, so while I wish I had an easy answer, my current approach is to date people I knew a few years ago but haven’t spent much time with since grad school.

    I wonder if the obsession with guessing which women might be dominant has anything to do with the recognition issue. That is, I think recognition is a problem both internally and externally – not only is it hard to find other people who actually identify as kinky, but it’s also hard to figure out that the things you like doing are called kinky. So, the interest in identifying ‘dominant’ behavior could be an attempt to find the people who have an interest in kink but who haven’t tagged themselves kinky and become searchable.

    Stabbity

    November 1, 2011 at 9:48 pm


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