Kink in exile

Notes from a kinky nomad

Toolkit Tuesday Bonus: Let people tell their own story

…and then listen really really closely.

Pay attention to happy memories – who is there, where, why?  What’s the actual memory of…is it the 20 pound turkey?  Mom?  The whole family?  Or the chance to sneak out back while the rest of the family is in a turkey-induced daze? Is it in the afternoon?  Evening?  Why?  What else is going on, what happens after?

Pay attention to value – is it cheap, convenient?  Does it make you feel good?  Like a good parent?  Good partner?  Does it mean being good to yourself?  Is it all you deserve? Is it trendy?  Thrifty?  Both?  Is it sentimental?  Cutting edge?

Pay attention to pain-points – Where do they happen?  For whom?  Always at that place? What follows the words “I wish…”  How are they described?  Did it hurt?  Hurt your feelings?  Make you late?  Three days in a row? Was it lonely?  Were you afraid others would see?  What would happen if they saw?

“Are you a top or a bottom” is not the question you are looking to answer…


This by the way is just food for thought.  Actual, actionable, tools coming soon.

Written by kinkinexile

November 11, 2011 at 12:04 am

Posted in advice, toolkit

One Response

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  1. I’m not sure I’m getting anything from the… illustrative ramblings? But I sure can make the connection between the post title and the line ‘“Are you a top or a bottom” is not the question you are looking to answer…’ – I never know whether it’ll be more useful to answer it with “yes” (misleadingly implying that the “top or bottom” paradigm works for me), or “no” (falsely implying that I’m “vanilla”, and possibly a tourist). Or resign myself to how much time, and self-repetition, it’ll take – if the person asking is one of those who can’t conceive of kink having any other dynamic – before a faint light begins to dawn.

    Even those who do, superficially, fit the paradigm still have their own, often widely diverse, stories.



    November 11, 2011 at 1:45 am

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