Kink in exile

Notes from a kinky nomad


Maymay’s post We Are All Victims Even the Revolutionaries is one that I re-read perhaps more than any other blog post.  Usually I read a post, absorb the information, and then only re-read it if I need a pull quote for something, but this post is, well, it’s comforting.  It’s what I read when I am upset with the world I was given to remind myself that I am not alone in my anger or my sadness.

Those of you reading my twitter stream may be scratching your head at the sentiment of “[t]he problem with thinking about sexuality in a social justice framework is knowing how much harder it is going to be to get the sex you want.” I considered framing it another way but it wouldn’t fit in 140 characters: “if you take all the smart, gender-aware, submissive men who have thought critically about submission, society and the relationships they want to have, will they fit in a Manhattan one bedroom?”

I am being facetious, of course, and I am also being restless.  I see Submissive Secrets like this or this and wonder who these people are, and what took them to a place of such frustration and sadness.  And then I think about what it is I actually want compared to what I am expected to want and am amazed that I had found it at all, even if just in passing.

The problem with seeing sexuality through a social justice lens is watching societal pressures build up against the thing you want.  It’s the fact that I see those Submissive Secrets posts not as examples of one-off unsatisfied individuals, but as windows into a systemic problem that makes it painfully difficult for the partner I want to exist in the world, and by coincidence strips me of easy access to the sex I want.

Written by kinkinexile

November 25, 2011 at 9:56 pm

2 Responses

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  1. […] for participating. And then I hated Eileen, C, and The Professor for being so ignorant of the societal pressure that had built up against the thing I wanted; for not knowing how long I’d kept a rope coiled under my pillow; for making me sacrifice my […]

  2. I found my way here by way of maymay’s most recent blog post. I’m also the person who made the first secret you linked to.

    I agree with what you’re saying here. And I think there are a number of thoughtful, self-aware men (and others; genderqueer and non-binary people, women, etc ) out there in tune with their sexualities, desires, and what they want out of relationships. But there are so many things that get in the way of communicating these things.

    The stigma that BDSM sexuality (not just submission) keeps so many people from being able to openly discuss these things.

    I myself have a number of friends aware of my BDSM sexuality in vague ways, and while I am not judged for it neither are my desires understood in an empathetic manner. I know one other man, a friend, who is interested in BDSM, however he approaches it a very different way than I and we do not have much in common in that regard. (For me it is more akin to an aspect of sexual orientation, for him not so.)

    I am not quite sure how to go about finding someone who shares these aspects of sexuality while remaining socially polite. I think this is why many people get involved in “the scene”– something which has always struck me as very weird personally (nothing against those who enjoy it at all). I am not interested in casual sexual encounters (stereotypically something men are always supposed to be okay with and are supposed to desire), and, to me, being flogged or hit by someone I do not know or a friend at a play party is akin to casual sex. For me, I do not separate “play” from being sexual.

    In addition to this are the realities of keeping one’s job. I do not actively fear losing my job over this, but I definitely am discreet with what I share about my life with friends I’ve made through work– asking friends who know about my sexuality to please not my jokes or allusions while in the company of my work friends.

    So given these barriers, it makes a lot of sense about why the scene exists and seemingly thrives… but outside of the scene, having a BDSM sexuality and trying to find others, is a weird and frustrating place to be. I still, perhaps foolishly, hold out hope. It’s heartening to have friends who do not judge either way about these things, but there will still be the odd experience here and there, jokes born out of fear of sexuality that is different from theirs. It is very different from having people in one’s life who understand these desires from their own experience.

    (This was a very long comment, more than I anticipated writing!)


    December 8, 2011 at 4:43 pm

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