class, party, food…must be weekend
This weekend started at Thursday with Geek Girl Dinner, and an Edukink class on kinky relationships. The Geek Girl Dinner was awesome as always, the Edukink class, well my date and I decided to slip out early. I went in with three goals: find language to speak to the type of kinky relationship I want, find ways to reinforce a D/s dynamic through the day to day, and learn concrete tools to build a D/s dynamic. An hour in, I had learned about love-related brain chemicals, and more importantly about limerence (NRE) and that it can in fact only be experienced toward one person at a time and lasts from 2 weeks to 18 month. The limerence piece is cool because it helps me codify my experience and know what to expect and why I can’t crush on two people at once, but I had still not seen anything related to my goals, and I was dead tired and annoyed by the instructors push for kinky relationships as somehow better/more evolved/more communicative than vanilla relationships. So we took off for some mellow hanging out, and petting of kittens.
Friday, I got to get femmed up, and Platonic Husband took me out for a fantastic dinner. I also got to practice some of the rope work I’ve been thinking of getting back into. Wanna know why the lovely and amazing C is my platonic husband? He wasn’t into that at all…
Things I’m reading about and thinking about that you can too:
1) I’ve been thinking about Fern’s When Your Submissive Says No since last week. It reminds me of a realization I had in my last relationship, which is that being someone’s dominant is actually a commitment I make that comes with a lot of subtle expectations; some real and some imagined. In my first couple “real” relationships I had to shed a layer of what I thought was expected of me (call my partner if I was going to stay out late, put their time first etc.) which a) made me angry and b) wasn’t really expected of me. I expect a learning curve in kinky relationships as well. The advice of “Make expectations clear” is vitally important regardless of your relationship style. Just as I try to start my sex with “how do you like to have sex,” I am learning to start my relationships with “what makes you feel valued and cared for.”
But there is another idea that is very important to me…I need my submissive to invite me in, and continually reaffirm their commitment to and interest in our dynamic. A partner who says not only “yes” but also “thank you” reminds me that I am not just being a jerk, I am giving them something they crave. When my submissive says no, I feel less disappointed in not getting what I wanted and more concerned that I have, in fact, been a jerk. And then I feel confused and angry that something was wrong in our dynamic such that they want to break the pattern of it all together and they didn’t tell me until they broke. And this is why no is the beginning of the conversation and not the end of it.
2) I’ve thus far only skimmed this article on Sex Educators and the Politics of Attractiveness (I use this list to organize what I will read on my commute as often as to comment on what I have read) but it’s an interesting take on the fact that many if not most of the women you see at the forefront of sex education and advocacy are classically attractive. Why is that?
3) I’m following Thumper’s exploits with some interest, in particular this thought caught me off guard with how utterly simple and mindblowingly hot it is: “If she leaves on the trip without allowing me to come, I will beg to be locked up.”
Ok, I know I’ve read more this week, but I’m coming up empty so here are a couple of pictures to set you on your way to Monday…