Kink in exile

Notes from a kinky nomad

Some thoughts on violence…

…in short, I don’t like it, but it’s kind of hot.

This morning I cataloged bruises and scratches in the shower.  My skin feels rough, almost sunburned, and my right hand is still ever so slightly swollen from where I misjudged, and landed a punch to your collarbone rather than the soft fleshy part of your chest.  I was not planning a take-down scene, and I don’t think that’s even what really happened.  A lot of my play is more, not violent per se, but chaotic than other people’s.  I think of it this way: the way I play is to normal scenes, as Thai massage is to hot stone massage. I get on the ground with you, I’m hands on, I don’t expect ambiance to do all the work for me.

Last night was about a lot of hot, beautiful things, but it was also about resistance, and what is very clear to me is that I don’t want to represent the object of resistance.  I don’t want to be the mirror when you’re fucking the occupation, I don’t want to be a placeholder for The Man, or an agent of the Scene-State.  Most importantly, I don’t want to be the object of resistance because in that parallel, I want you to win; I suspect we both do.  I fight dirty, but there’s no doubt that you can over-power me if you really tried.  You toppled me once (bless my childhood martial arts instructor for teaching me how to fall without hitting my head and bless my mother for pairing ballet with Krav Maga as after school sport).  But back to the point at hand, if you are fighting the Scene-State I want you to win.

Perhaps the reason this worked at all is because you reframed it, mid-punch, between quiet, passive resistance and bearing your teeth, you reminded me that this is drag and we are fighting the Scene-State.  We get to win, not just you, and that’s cool, I guess, except compound fractures were a hard limit, you told me so the first time I hit you in 2006, and after last night I’m adding bruised ribs to the list.

*This blog post is secretly a letter to the boy presently sleeping in my bed, but I didn’t realize that until after I’d written it here…

Written by kinkinexile

December 10, 2011 at 3:00 pm

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