Kink in exile

Notes from a kinky nomad

Meet me on my terms

This post was going to be called this is not a session, this is my life, but then I got VNV Nation’s This Is My Riffle stuck in my head. I recently took a dive into Fetlife after avoiding it for, literally, years. Like a lot of social media platforms, it finally convinced me by offering access to events I wasn’t going to find out about otherwise.

I am both disappointed and pleasantly surprised. Disappointed in the layout, theme, lack of integration with the outside world and cross-pollination, and the overall feeling that Fetlife was created by socially awkward high school age goths. But pleasantly surprised that for all the emails I’ve gotten that start with “you must get dozens of these emails” and end with “I’m sorry for adding to the weight of your inbox” I have not gotten a single cock shot, “Mistress may I…” or slashy speak email. In fact, I haven’t gotten dozens of emails though due to the fact that answering Fetlife email isn’t the only thing on my to-do list I’m still having a hard time keeping up with the 5 or 6 people who are sending me various notes.

This post was going to be a rant about how it is unreasonable to expect your girlfriend to be an untouchable ice queen even if your mistress does it every 3rd Tuesday of the month for you, but I’m realizing this isn’t actually a rant about Fetlife or the people who messages me at all, it’s a rant about Princess Spider whose book I am trying to get through and really should just put away and forget about. This is basically a memoir of a prodomme interspersed with notes from her clients, but it is so sorely devoid of, well, any literary merit what so ever that I wonder why it was written at all much less published outside of the intimate realm of those connected to the spiders web as it were.

To its credit, the book is very clear that being a dominatrix is a job, and being ice queen part of the job description. I like this because it helps remind me that I don’t have to be an ice queen, or compete with what my platonic husband C calls the dominatrix jocks. You see, my job description is to be empathetic, and analytical have good quantitative reasoning skills, be well versed in SPSS, and know how to say no to other people’s CEOs where ethical treatment of human research subjects comes in. Spider’s job description is to be imposing and beautiful, empathetic and able to decant your fantasies from the fragments you tell her, domineering, untouchable, and highly desirable. I’m allowed to have headaches, head colds, and broken nails on the job, Spider isn’t. I spend 8 to 10 hours per day improving my ability to drive meaning from data, Spider spends that time improving her ability to fuck with your mind and reduce you to a submissive puddle in 5 minutes flat.

Frankly, the reason I don’t share other people’s disdain for prodommes is because I think they are trained professionals who are experts at what they do. If you want your fantasy, you have the extra cash (about $200 per hour in the bay area last I checked) and you want an out of dealing with other peoples moods this is a great reliable and time effective solution.

Because I do pride myself on being a good top and a good dominant, I do expand a lot of energy getting into people’s heads, figuring out what makes my partners tick, and balancing on the edges of their limits. I get off on making other peoples fantasies happen (actually on that moment of recognition in their faces when they realize they are getting what they dreamed of), but let’s be honest, compared to a pro domme, I’m a hobbyist and that’s just fine. But it means scheduling is a fuss, and I probably won’t dress up in PVC cause that ain’t my thing. It means I look for a partner who wants to submit to the way I want to dominate, and while ultimately I want some aspect of D/s in my relationships I’m not going to have the energy to construct an elaborate mindfuck every day before supper. Furthermore, I’m much more likely to chat with you and not want to play than I am to outright want to play with you. Now sure, prodommes pick their clients, so do I really, but it’s their job. They don’t take axe murderers and I don’t take weapons contracts, but ultimately, at 3 sessions a day 5 days a week a prodomme will have 12 to 14 more scenes than I do in a given week

Which makes me wonder, does anyone fantasizes about reality? When you think about submission and surrender do you think about scenes or days? For me thinking about domination is a little bit of both. I think about scenes, moments of very specific direct and insistent control, but I also think about subtle day to day interactions. About knowing how long it’s been since your last orgasm because that’s something that belongs to me, about subtle imbalances of power, about the fact that every single time you get down on your knees whether it’s in the dungeon or at the coffee table it makes me smile. The scenes are hot but it’s the jeans and t-shirt days I’m looking for.

Written by kinkinexile

December 16, 2011 at 2:09 pm

Posted in headspace, topping

4 Responses

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  1. Frankly, the reason I don’t share other people’s disdain for prodommes is because I think they are trained professionals who are experts at what they do.

    LOL! That statement is premised on the assumption that “most” prodommes are good at what they do. Considering, based on personal (admittedly anecdotal) evidence, that most prodommes do not stay in the field long, do not come from an explicitly BDSM-driven background, and do not generally have the same motivation to self-educate on technical particulars such as shibari bondage and so on as fetishists, I deeply question that assumption. 😉

    When you think about submission and surrender do you think about scenes or days? For me thinking about domination is a little bit of both. I think about scenes, moments of very specific direct and insistent control, but I also think about subtle day to day interactions. About knowing how long it’s been since your last orgasm because that’s something that belongs to me, about subtle imbalances of power, about the fact that every single time you get down on your knees whether it’s in the dungeon or at the coffee table it makes me smile. The scenes are hot but it’s the jeans and t-shirt days I’m looking for.

    I find this paragraph searingly hot.

    maymay

    December 17, 2011 at 5:47 am

  2. Maymay, point. I guess when I read books by prodommes it’s by tenured prodommes so there is clearly a selection bias.

    In regards to that last paragraph, thank you!

    kinkinexile

    December 18, 2011 at 10:12 pm

  3. “Which makes me wonder, does anyone fantasizes about reality?”

    *raises hand* Uh, I do.

    I’m much more likely to spend my time daydreaming about a subtle and ongoing ownership dynamic than to fantasize about having a PVC clad ice queen play acting her way through our relationship.

    Peroxide

    December 19, 2011 at 8:50 am

  4. […] in the last week Dishevelled Domina and Kink in Exile both mentioned the ever popular Domme as ice queen cliche we all know and love so […]


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