Kink in exile

Notes from a kinky nomad

Care & Feeding part 3 of N: Boy trouble?

Well, some kind of trouble in any case.  I have always been overly sensitive to the emotions of others.  I’m one of those people who starts crying if someone else is, not because I know them and share their sorrow but because I am overly empathic.  In college I tried to volunteer at a rape crisis center, and simply couldn’t handle it.  In grad school I took a sex-educator training and the most valuable thing I learned is how to be present with other people’s experience without experiencing it with them.  I can now *almost* do that with strangers, and even friends of friends.

This is an uncomfortable self-knowledge specifically because I don’t think of myself as a fragile person.  It is also uncomfortable because I am, despite my best efforts, quick to anger.  I am also very very quick to forgive and forget, believe firmly in not bringing up old arguments unless it is to apologize for a specific point or concede a point, and typically just need to feel like my grievance is heard before I can move on.  These latter facts, however, are no help.  By the time I’ve gotten over what had upset me, my partner is typically upset by my earlier state, and because I mirror emotions, I am suddenly devastated over what essentially boils down to, well, neither of us can actually remember.

One of the best pieces of relationship advice I’ve ever gotten was “leave one thing unsaid every day.” It was such amazing advice specifically because it goes against my natural inclination.  I share everything, I don’t hide shit from my partners, and I need to feel heard to feel loved.  But sometimes, I think, my goal can be better accomplished by letting it go.  This isn’t about letting the big picture things go, but do you really need to spend 45 minutes arguing about the trash when it takes 5 minutes to empty?  Then again, I also want to be better at trusting that my experience of the world it true to reality and believing myself enough to believe that if something upsets me it’s important enough to fix.  Rock, meet hard place.

If there is a take away I think perhaps it is help me feel heard without taking it personally.  Or if there is a take-away for me it aught to be give my partners the benefit of the doubt, and let it go.

Written by kinkinexile

December 26, 2011 at 6:23 pm

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