Kink in exile

Notes from a kinky nomad

sick of sunshine

I don’t know how to write this post because for all that I share there is so much I keep private.  I write my joy and not my sorrow because my sorrow, well, it’s my own, not really a sharing thing.  When I do write my anger I make it about others.  And then I wonder why dominant women are having a circle jerk on the internet about the need for safe spaces for submissive men, and where all the submissive men are.  Maybe it’s because sharing other people’s hurt is easier than fessing up to your own?  I know it is for me.  Much, much easier to realize that my partners are hurt by societal structures and personal prejudice that doesn’t leave room for sexually submissive men who are also strong and outspoken, than to fess up to just how frightening the concept of not having access to the type of sex I want is for me.

What’s more, standing up for someone else’s place in the world is automatically sacrosanct, fighting an uphill battle that saps your time and energy so that you can have sex the way you personally would like it…how do I even begin to justify that?

I feel like I am stirring the hornet’s nest…in 2008 I needed a physical shift and I was filled with glee at my move to California.  I remember being overjoyed at the sunshine, the lack of snow, never having to dig the car out, being walking distance to Mr. S, the kinky parties every weekend and so on.  Four years later and I’m cold, annoyed, and utterly disenchanted with the kink scene.  As I’ve said before, my sexual identity should read as “geek.” I am hitting my head against the kink scene over and over again trying to figure out why I am not having a good time.  Is it simply that I am no longer 18 and willing to play with male doms twice my age, no longer the “ideal type” the “hot bi babe” of purple unicorn fame?  Is it that meeting people, forming strong bonds, making friends is exponentially harder after college?  Or maybe it’s that the kink scene is far more cliquish than I’d expect.  There is no unity here, just a game of I’m more oppressed than you…

"I'm so fucking skeptical of white cis men who style themselves champions of social justice..." Click the image for more context.

That is not a progressive stance, it is in fact, by definition, a form of narrow-minded discrimination.   This sort of cat fight for the status of most oppressed, coupled with underhanded whisper campaigns, underlies a large portion of San Francisco’s BDSM scene.  It reminds me of an old joke…two Jews are stranded on a desert island, 20 years later, when rescuers come, they discover three synagogs on the island.  They ask the shipwrecked men why the two of them built three synagogues and one of the men replies: “There’s the one I go to, the one Moshe goes to, and that one there neither of us will step foot in!”  There is the party I go to, the party plus-size transgendered women of color go to, and the party neither of us would step foot in.  We’re doing it wrong.

We are taking opportunities to narrow our circles rather than expand them.  Whats more, each and every one of us lacks trust in our community.  This kind of fend for yourself behavior comes out of bad experiences and lack of trust.  When you feel safe in your environment and supported by your community you are in a position to open your circle and your mind to the needs of others.  When you know that others will care for you you can freely care for others.  We, clearly, aren’t there.  So what’s different in the Bay Area?  Why is the kinky mecca one of the most unwelcoming places to be kinky?  And what does the frozen north east have going for it that we lack out here?

Written by kinkinexile

December 28, 2011 at 1:10 pm

Posted in community, exile, headspace

6 Responses

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  1. “We are taking opportunities to narrow our circles rather than expand them. Whats more, each and every one of us lacks trust in our community. This kind of fend for yourself behavior comes out of bad experiences and lack of trust. When you feel safe in your environment and supported by your community you are in a position to open your circle and your mind to the needs of others. When you know that others will care for you you can freely care for others. We, clearly, aren’t there.”

    I find this an interesting stance. I have a lot of trust in my community. It’s just not the general kink community. But it’s worth saying that I used to be friendly with maymay, and he actively chose to push me away when I asked him to think critically about his own positions and how they hurt sex workers. That’s part of why I don’t have faith in the radical kinky community- because they will happily play oppression olympics when it suits them, and whine when it doesn’t. While I want to see a united community, sure, I think his approach has actively prevented that. And you enable that too, by quoting these tweets out of context- when you click on the whole context of the conversation, maymay does kind of look like an ass.

    Maybe we’ll see if it works when he moves to Portland. I mean, it didn’t work in NY or SF, but maybe third time’s a charm?

    ::sigh::

    Kitty Stryker

    December 29, 2011 at 2:40 pm

    • Kitty, would you be so kind as to find another venue for personal jabs at specific individuals? I am committed to approving all comments when possible, but frankly these skirmishes should be beneath you.

      In so far as trust in community, yes, absolutely, I too trust my community and chosen family though not the general kink community. I wonder who, if anyone, identifies the general kink community as their community in that sense, and how they come to put trust in it…

      Oh, and as to the context of the tweet, yes the image did click through to the larger context and the caption advised readers of such. However, regardless of context, I personally find such isolationism to be sophomoric at best.

      kinkinexile

      December 29, 2011 at 4:20 pm

      • I didn’t really feel it fair to leave this blog post without comment. I think calling out behaviour that is counterproductive to be pretty important, and thinking critically about behaviour and how it is perceived. Calling Maggie’s and KC’s Twitter comments as part of a “cat fight” is a personal job at specific individuals as well, no?

        I won’t say anything more about it on your blog, but I do think it’s pretty unfair how you’re portraying the situation, though I understand your bias and why it looks that way to you. I feel it’s reasonable to express other bias as well, from someone who has been disenchanted in my own experience. *Should* that be “beneath me”?

        Kitty Stryker

        December 29, 2011 at 10:24 pm

  2. it’s so obnoxious when privileged people put it on marginalized individuals to make the first move. We have reason to not trust you and it’s YOUR job to prove to US that you aren’t an oppressive asshole… which you’ve failed miserably at.

    You’re playing the reverse racism card… which is indicative of an entitled mindset.

    When a marginalized individual says “I don’t trust white cis-men,” they are not saying “I think white cis-men are inferior and want to abuse, or oppress them.” What they are saying is “after constantly (for generations) being seen as inferior, abused and oppressed by white cis-men, I don’t really trust them.”

    If you can’t understand where someone is coming from when they don’t trust a population of people that have been abusing, oppressing, raping, murdering, and in some cases attempting to wipe out their kind… then you’re just too entitled and privileged for us to trust. YOU are the kind of person we are talking about.

    Yes, submissive men face oppression but that does not give them a free pass to oppress others. You want to make friends in other communities? Learn to deconstruct your privilege first.

    Amber Hazard

    December 29, 2011 at 2:57 pm

    • Another thing: using the term “cat fight,” is a sure way to make people think you’re an ass.

      Amber Hazard

      December 30, 2011 at 2:11 am

  3. […] As for right now, as the revelry of New Year’s Day 2012 becomes louder with each passing tick-tock of the clock, I sit here, preparing myself to say goodbye to the stuff in the walls I once called my house. Truth is, that’s all San Francisco was; a house—never a home. […]


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