Kink in exile

Notes from a kinky nomad

Orgasm control through trial and error

So much to write and so little time!  I’m clearing the mental cache as it were and pushing this post out before lunch so I can get on to things like the business of BDSM and getting your message heard.

I have kinked on orgasm control for years, though the earliest experimentation with this that I remember was in 2007.  It’s one of those things that is far hotter than I expect it to be, and far more work than I expect it to be as well.  It’s also one of the areas where my current partner is well equipped to back lead, so when I realized I was having topdrop from some Tease and Denial (T&D, which I use here as an umbrella term for all sorts of chastity and orgasm control play) we’d engaged in I was at least prepared for it because he had the good sense to warn me.  So, with that in mind, and because I’ve found precious few resources for T&D from the female top’s perspective here are some things I’ve learned through trial and error:

  1. As I’d mentioned in an earlier post, I am utterly surprised by how seemingly normal many of the people into T&D are.  Just goes to show you there ain’t no such thing as normal.
  2. I think of T&D as an extreme sport even though others seem to label it a gate-way kink.  It’s just too tied up with the emotional aspects of ownership and control for me to write off as just a bit of the old slap and tickle.
  3. There ain’t nothing passive about this.  Midori sums this up beautifully in Wild Side Sex (2005, pg. 99-104) where she recounts her first foray into chastity play from the superficial and disastrous first tries “I figured I was supposed to deny him orgasm and sensual genital touch for the entire two weeks of his service to me.  It wasn’t any skin off my back…” to a deeper understanding of the nuances of power involved in this game.  You can think of denial (not getting to come, not masturbating, not getting my partner off and so forth) as passive, but I don’t.  I think of each of those things as vitally active both from the perspective of the bottom and the top.  As a top I am inclined to arouse my partner and monitor their arousal and emotional state far more closely than I typically would, both for my own fun and to keep us on the same page.  And I’d expect that actively not having an orgasm is a lot more work and concentration than surrendering to one.
  4. The orgasm you have is as important as the ones you don’t.  This I learned the hard way…I told my partner he wasn’t allowed to masturbate before bed but that he could have an orgasm in the morning.  When morning came, I’d gone off to work, and he wasn’t interested in orgasms anymore; I was strangely distraught.  Is he upset?  Does he not like me anymore?  Did I do this wrong…welcome to topdrop.  Humans are variable, their moods change, what’s sexy at one moment is tiring at another, and there are many many reasons to not want to masturbate all of which are not indicative of a crisis of faith.  But what I did learn from that is that, as mentioned above, T&D is emotionally heavy and my experiments with it need clear end points.  If I want my partner to have an orgasm (and we’ve presumably negotiated this) I need to be there for it, take control over it, and demand that it happens within the confines of my scene.
  5. I can deny your orgasms and still not feel in control.  Or, put another way, I need the power to say yes or no in order to make the no mean anything.  I want you to want, and I want you to beg, and then I want to decide what the answer will be, because if I promised you I’d say no for 2 weeks, well then I don’t really get to choose now do I?

Written by kinkinexile

December 30, 2011 at 1:33 pm

4 Responses

Subscribe to comments with RSS.

  1. As I’d mentioned in an earlier post, I am utterly surprised by how seemingly normal many of the people into T&D are.

    :eye roll:

    There ain’t nothing passive about this.

    And this point gets missed by many people first into it. Teasing or denial without the participation of the top is really just neglect. It feels like abandonment.

    That said, it’s possible to make non-participation part of the scene – but this only works if you’re both clear that this is pat of the scene to begin with. Telling him something like “I’m not touching you for the next two weeks” is a tease, and it has an end point. Simply ignoring him has a different dynamic.

    As a top I am inclined to arouse my partner and monitor their arousal and emotional state far more closely than I typically would, both for my own fun and to keep us on the same page.

    And this makes for a more consistently aroused partner (both vanilla and D/s), which usually translates to more fun for the both of you.

    And I’d expect that actively not having an orgasm is a lot more work and concentration than surrendering to one.

    Yes. Yes, it is.
    But as it happens, watching me concentrate on *not* having one is one of the hottest aspects for Mrs. Edge.

    Tom Allen

    December 31, 2011 at 7:44 am

    • “But as it happens, watching me concentrate on *not* having one is one of the hottest aspects for Mrs. Edge”

      Hell to the yeah, Tom! And as always, thank you for your insightful comments.

      kinkinexile

      December 31, 2011 at 11:21 am

  2. “…I want to decide what the answer will be, because if I promised you I’d say no for 2 weeks, well then I don’t really get to choose now do I?”

    I agree wholeheartedly. That’s why I’m not a fan of all the games of chance people sometimes incorporate into chastity- dice, cards, etc. It takes the control out of the dominant partner’s hands.

    Plus, not knowing is sexy. Maybe today will be the day I finally orgasm… or maybe it won’t be for another few weeks, months, even a year. But that thought of “maybe today’s the day” keeps it fresh and makes the sub realize he’s painfully close to orgasm.

    pureliquidkink

    December 31, 2011 at 11:13 am

    • not knowing is sexy. Maybe today will be the day I finally orgasm… or maybe it won’t be for another few weeks, months, even a year. But that thought of “maybe today’s the day” keeps it fresh and makes the sub realize he’s painfully close to orgasm.

      The power of “maybe today’s the day” has a biological explanation, pureliquidkink. You may find this primatologist’s insights about orgasm control interesting.

      maymay

      January 1, 2012 at 3:03 am


Comments are closed.

%d bloggers like this: