Kink in exile

Notes from a kinky nomad

Anatomy of a scene

This is sort of an experiment to see if I could break down the elements of a scene the way one might do a customer or user experience.  The goal is to figure out what some of those unteachable things I kept hitting on were (e.g. empathy) and present them as actions rather than intuition.  Not sure if it worked, you tell me…

Anatomy of a scene

Pre-scene
-Communication
-Expectations
-Landing

Early scene
-Pacing and warm-up
-Rules and protocols
-build persona if desired

Mid-scene
-Build intensity
-Validate experience
-Don’t ask tough questions

End of scene
-Big request or cool-down
-Praise
-Positive touch

Aftercare
-Attention to headspace
-Headspace appropriate interaction
-Praise
-Positive touch
-Physical care

Pre-scene
Questions to ask:
When do you have to be home?
You know puppies aren’t allowed on the couch?
Have you had dinner?
Tell me a fantasy.

-Communication
This is the time to decide what you would like to do, share any relevant news, and make each other aware of outside constraints.  I also like to use this time for casual chatter because that helps me connect with my partner and buffer from the outside world.

-Expectations
This is actually post-negotiation for me…negotiation creates the opportunity for everything on this list to happen.  Expectations in this context are specifically about making sure my bottom has all the information he needs to succeed.  What to call me, if puppies are allowed on the couch, what to do if he needs a break, etc.

Think of social situations where you get details in advance to help make things smooth, for example you might get a description of appropriate dress with a wedding invitation, which helps you avoid awkward situations.

-Landing
This sets the tone, and I prefer a soft landing.  Ideally I start my scenes calmly without confusion.  I don’t like having to look for space at clubs or work too hard to get myself and my partner out of other conversations because this creates a hard and confusing landing.  Landing is about having the tools you want where you expect them, having your partner confident that they can succeed, trusting your own skill, and not having to trip over anything.  Sometimes, however, hard landings are hot.  In interrogation scenes for example I’ll start the scene without warning, when my partner is walking up to the space we plan to play in, or just about to go grab something from the other room.

Think of landing like a landing page; what do you want people to see/feel/experience in the first 15 seconds?  This sets the tone for the next hour.

Early scene
Questions to ask:
Does this feel good?
Are you going to be a good boy/girl/kitty?
Do you remember your safeword?

-Pacing and warm-up
At this point I don’t expect my partner to be in “sub-space” and I believe it takes about 20 minutes for endorphins to take pain processing to it’s top capacity so I start slow unless there is strategic advantage to taking a deep dive early on (SA Landing).  This also sets the pace for the rest of the scene and a good time to drop some cues as to what to expect (what kinds of toys, how much chatter, etc.)

-Rules and protocols
If you have rules or protocols, they should have been outlined in the expectations step, but early in the scene is typically when I act on them.  This may be having my partner kneel, or it may be “gearing up” as it were.  This would be around the time when I pull out any chastity devices for example or quiz my partner on relevant behaviors.

-Build persona if desired
If you’re doing any sort of role playing this is also the time where you’re going to be most in character.  Later you’ll either be into it and not have to focus or that will drop away in the scene, but early on is the time to focus on language,  protocol, set up, lighting, etc.

Mid-scene
Questions to ask:
Pick a number from 5-10.
Pick one thing that scares you and one treat.
Still with me?  Ready for more?
Note the statements and yes/no questions!

-Build intensity
Pretty self-explanatory but this is usually when I have the highest levels of sustained pain or discomfort come in.  Usually I also see a drop off in chatter from my bottom here, so I look for cues especially in new partners in so far as hand movement, eye contact, and facial expression go.  Depending on that I’ll look for responsiveness (squeeze their fingers and see how long it takes them to register and mimic the gesture for example).  This is also where I do the most checking-in to gauge pain tolerance and desirability.   Typically I do this by allowing my bottom to pick the number of strokes from a range (newer partners) or asking “what’s your safeword” (most established partners whom I want to push harder).

-Validate experience
Personally, if I’m hurting you I’m not going to tell you this doesn’t hurt.  That said, there is a lot of power in denying experiences (just think about the last time your were in hospital and someone told you the you weren’t having the symptoms you experienced) It serves to make you feel unheard, lost, confused, and poorly cared for.  In the right context, awesome, but not usually the way I play.  So I like to let my partner know I know this hurts if that’s the case, and acknowledge however they’re expressing submission.

-Don’t ask tough questions
Don’t renegotiate here.  I’ve learned the hard way that it is damn hard to get a complete sentence out of a bottom in the middle of a scene.  This is not the time to ask about the future (When do you have to be home to your wife?) or about what they want in open terms.  I will sometimes ask “which of these two things do you want to be hurt with.” Or give a guided choice such as laying out a number of toys and having someone pick the one they are scared of, or a treat, or one they’ve never used before and are curious about, but limit possible answers and make it easy to get the right answer.

End of scene
Questions to ask:
You’re doing great, will you take 10 more for me?”
How are you feeling?

-Big request or cool-down
This is a good time to start wrapping up, landing softer blows and transitioning to more gentle petting.  This is also the point where I will sometimes put in a “big ask” something I am pretty confident my partner can handle, but they may be nervous about.  Three more cane strokes for example, or one more needle, etc.  Pace what you’re doing to your partners capabilities though, and let them succeed.  If they agree to 10 more strokes and you realize that’s too much, land softer blows.  Realize that getting through what you’re asking your partner can be really really important for them at this point, especially if you have an established play dynamic, so make it possible for them to succeed and work through the challenge with them.  I’m usually honest about what’s coming with a big ask, but this is another space where you can capitalize on fear and helplessness if you so desire.  Saying 3 and landing 5 blows may be fun or funny at the beginning of a scene, but at this stage of the scene it can very challenging.  Another stylistic difference I’m interested in is I tend to use the big ask as just that, an ask; “will you take more for me?” or “This is going to hurt a lot, are you ready to do that for me?”  I’ve seen other people do the same thing in a more forceful “I’m not done with you yet!” kind of way, which is totally hot and works for a lot of people.  I think I personally get off on my partner willingly taking pain to please me, though, so I ask.

-Praise
Your partner has been through a lot, tell them you appreciate it.  I like to pick specific things/moments to praise because that feels more genuine, but typically if your partner is in a floaty submissive head space they want to know they did a good job for you, plus lavish praise pairs well with big asks.

-Positive touch
A lot of the ways you touched your partner for the last little while has been purposefully painful, this is a nice time to bring them down with soft gentle touch.

Aftercare
Questions to ask:
Not many other than “would you like some water?” offer lots of praise instead.

-Attention to headspace
I like to keep a close eye on this one.  Most rewarding for me is partners who let themselves stay in a floaty headspace for a while after the scene, but some people need to come right out of it to feel safe.

-Headspace appropriate interaction
Depending on where my partner is the interaction changes.  Some people recoup by kneeling at my feet while I play with their hair, others want me to get them a snack and see them as equals right away.  I try to make the transition gentle so I tend to defer to where my partner seems to be leading especially with new interactions.  Don’t ask questions your partner can’t answer yet.  Another thing I learned the hard way is making care appropriate to their space: with a partner who comes up quickly I can ask them what they’d like, if I can get them a snack or what not.  With a partner who stays in headspace I usually put them somewhere safe and warm and quiet let them know they can stay there and then bring them a snack or whatever seems appropriate.

-Praise
Praise in this context is a lot like above but also somewhat varied with headspace.  Some people come down hard when they play and don’t want to hear about how they were a “good boy” even if that was ok 10 minutes ago.  Where as praise in scene is often about how good my partner makes me feel or how good they are doing for me, praise post play can be more neutral.  “That was hot.” vs “You’re doing a very good job for me.”

-Positive touch
As above, soft, gentle touch on neutral body parts to help your partner reconnect with the world around them.

-Physical care
This is a great time for food, watter, band aids, etc.

NOTE: You’ve probably gathered that this is from a top’s perspective.  I would love to see this breakdown from the other side…

Written by kinkinexile

January 28, 2012 at 2:36 pm

%d bloggers like this: