Kink in exile

Notes from a kinky nomad

So you got a chastity device…

with 12 comments

I’m starting to suspect that there is something in the water.  When a friend told me he was into orgasm control I thought it was a response to some of my blogging, when someone else in my social circle piped up about the matter I thought it was so nice that my friends share common interests, but by the third time in a week I found myself being asked for advice on wearing a chastity device I started to suspect there was definitely something in the water.

So the short answer is, well, I have no idea.  I recommend you read the manufacturer’s instructions and follow them as best you can.  Actually, far more strongly than that, I recommend you read maymay’s “Top 10 tips for long-term male chastity device wear.” Keyholders, read this too! No really, as someone who has put more random nonsense in her body than I care to admit just to make sure it was in fact possible, I highly recommend wrapping your head around what the hell is going on with your partner, his cock, and this random bit of plastic or metal currently attached to his cock.  Watching a partner interact with this device was awesome for me both in making the whole process way hotter and in making it far less intimidating for me.  Hotter because it’s not just a matter of the turned on moments, it actually changes everything about things as routine as showering and that rocks!  Less intimidating because, well, most people don’t encounter CB6000s for most of their sexual lives – knowing how it works, what the possible failure modes are, and what happens when your partner is aroused in it is useful.  Knowing how to get your partner aroused when they’re locked up, what they can and can not feel and how they feel about that is useful.  So yeah, read the basics, watch your partner interact with the device, play with the locking mechanism, basically do whatever you need to do to feel like you, and not the device, are in control.

And if you’re wearing the device, well, I have no idea.  I’ve never been in that position.  I suspect having some answer to the following questions is likely good:

  • What are you doing for emotional support while locked up?
  • What are you doing for emotional support through the unlocking process and whatever happens right after for you?
  • Where are the keys?  Is there a spare set? What will you do in a medical or other emergency (for example, what if a death in the family requires you to fly cross country tomorrow)?
  • So, uh, why do you want to be locked up?  What’s in it for you?  What’s in it for your partner?
  • Are you aware of the impact this has on your partner or partners sexually/emotionally/logistically?

Have fun guys!

P.S. People in the know – what am I missing?  What other resources should I point people at?

Written by kinkinexile

February 3, 2012 at 11:14 pm

Posted in advice, Orgasm Control

12 Responses

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  1. I missed your post from a month ago, and I see that you’ve asked about chastity and orgasm control a few times since.

    For many couples, the emotional support comes from the increased sensuality and intimacy; because you’re talking about it more often (hopefully!), the denied partner still has a connection. Plus, the constant low-level arousal helps to remind him of the delights that await later – fsv of later. Obviously, this doesn’t work as smoothly in those cases in which the partner snaps on a lock and changes nothing else in their relationship dynamics.

    A lot of men prefer to either not have a key, or to keep one for emergency use only. An emergency might be an accident with the risk of discovery, or if a device breaks or pinches the skin, or if part of your anatomy suddenly isn’t where it should be. Over time, you resolve most of the issues with comfort and convenience.

    Often, men like to know that their partner has hidden the key(s) so that it’s unavailable. This is part of the script that many people play in their heads; chastity play needs a certain “willing suspension of disbelief,” and I’ve seen more than a few posts from men who are disaappointed that their partner just leaves the keys lying about anyplace. Generally, men want to feel like they are locked into an inescapable device because it makes the situation hawter.

    I think that asking how it impacts the partner is a good question. Too often men jump into this with fantasies of prolonged lockups and months without orgasms, and have not given much thought as to how their own partners might be affected. The common trope is that the man gets locked up and gives his partner oral sex – but some women prefer PIV, and some women actually enjoy seeing their partner climax. Again, this is another reason why frequent discussion is needed through out the play.

    Tom Allen

    February 4, 2012 at 7:24 am

    • “I think that asking how it impacts the partner is a good question. Too often men jump into this with fantasies of prolonged lockups and months without orgasms, and have not given much thought as to how their own partners might be affected. ”

      Yes, this. Orgasm control is sexy for me because of the control part. Situations where my partner basically says “just stand here, honey, put your hands on your hips like this and tell me I’m not allowed to have an orgasm.” aren’t sexy. I have to be allowed to say “yes” for my “no” to mean anything.

      In so far as the increased sensuality and intimacy for couples, yes, though some of the men I’ve talked to of late were trying this out on their own which makes it unclear to me where the support system would come from.


      February 4, 2012 at 12:55 pm

      • some of the men I’ve talked to of late were trying this out on their own which makes it unclear to me where the support system would come from.

        When I first started experimenting with longer-term (i.e., longer than a week’s time locked up in a CB3k), I did so on my own. It took me several months—all on my own—to get to a point where it was something I could sleep, shower, and generally maintain some semblance of a “normal” life in. I was supremely fortunate to have no 9-5 job, no concern for income, and no other social or familial commitments during those couple months.

        However, there was zero emotional support, except in the form of sporadic postings on chastity-related forums and blog circles. It was then, actually, that I began interacting with Tom more regularly. The motivation to figure this out came from the implied odds of believing I could one day find a relationship in which I’d feel sociosexually satisfied. Without that belief, I would have given up. In that sense, I was also lucky to have been so young when I experimented, because I was naive enough not to understand the challenges to that likelihood.


        February 4, 2012 at 3:54 pm

      • EXACTLY!!

        If the woman is “not allowed” to really decide, whether the answer is yes or no, then she is not controlling his orgasm, he is, and he is controlling her too!

        Yah! I agree.


        February 4, 2012 at 6:37 pm

      • some of the men I’ve talked to of late were trying this out on their own which makes it unclear to me where the support system would come from.

        Personally, i wonder about this, too. I can imagine that for short term it’s fun (I’ve done it, myself, for a few days), but those guys who invest in time-locking safes and try to go for weeks at a time are a mystery to me. Yes, there’s a certain challenge to be overcome, but it’s obviously a different game than the couples who manage to incorporate it with emotional intimacy.

        Of course, there’s a surprisingly large self-bondage community, too, so go figure.

        Tom Allen

        February 5, 2012 at 9:35 am

  2. Maymay, thank you for sharing your experience. On the one hand, as you already know, I kink hard on the work that goes into being a good bottom, I savor the oppertunity to play with experienced partners, and I really appreciate your background around orgasm control in particular. On the other hand, well, orgasm control is still something I consider to be very personal, intimate, and edgy – I can’t imagine doing that without emotional support. I’m not sure how to balance how much I love the fact that you learned how to manage chastity devices in the hopes of being ready for the right partner with the knowledge of how hard that must have been.


    February 4, 2012 at 10:33 pm

  3. If the woman is “not allowed” to really decide, whether the answer is yes or no, then she is not controlling his orgasm, he is, and he is controlling her too!

    This is one of the reasons why we dont’ use dice games, contracts, point systems, or anything else when we play. Mrs. Edge thinks that those situations remove her control.

    That said, sometimes women – especially new players – are uncomfortable with the control (or more likely, uncomfortable with being a mean, cruel denier) and use the random games or schedules as a way to assuage some guilt. “Sorry, I’d like to let you come, but your next scheduled is still 3 days away,” is easier than saying “No, I don’t think you want it badly enough.”

    Tom Allen

    February 5, 2012 at 9:30 am

    • Tom,
      Ah yes, and then there is me
      who would say,
      suffer for me, baby.
      I want to watch.
      Come sit here naked and let’s look at my Tumblr.

      I think I would go without dice as well.


      February 5, 2012 at 10:15 pm

  4. For emotional support, we talk. A lot. And cuddle. And spend time together. All the normal relationship stuff.

    I don’t have an emergency key. I do, however, have a set of bolt-cutters. That way, I can get out in an emergency by cutting the lock off. And there’ll be no hiding that fact, unlike with a key. I don’t think the bolt-cutters are a scary idea since I know how to use them and am comfortable with them. Plus, we had to cut the lock off before, so I know it’s really not that intimidating of an experience.

    We get a lot out of chastity. Control is a big one for both of us; taking control of something so basic and primal is powerful. This leads (for us at least) to a heightened sense of d/s between us. It also intensifies my fantasies and makes me more likely to be open to having my boundaries pushed. My libido goes through the roof. She orgasms more when I’m locked up. It’s also a way to draw a scene out for weeks or months.


    February 6, 2012 at 3:17 am

  5. And now I’m wondering if by asking about emotional support, if you’re not understanding why self-lockers do this. That is, from your comments that you think denial is very edgy, you may not realize that some men simply enjoy the arousal and the loss of control, and don’t take it any further than that.

    Tom Allen

    February 6, 2012 at 8:05 am

  6. Hello… (Hope this discussion is still active…!) Evidently most couples who engage in chastity and Keyholding seem to be in a serious, committed relationship. I myself am contemplating a rather different situation however. Someone I know recently asked me to be his Keyholder: however, neither he nor I are interested at this time in a relationship beyond this specific bond. We would meet weekly or so… Now I’ve never been a Keyholder before, but I do find the idea appealing (provided there’s chemistry, and both parties are psychologically healthy). I’ve been reading all I can about it. Any advice or comments on how to make a success of this for both parties in the case where the relationship is a casual one would be very much appreciated!

    Maîtresse Coquette

    August 1, 2013 at 1:32 pm

    • One of my coworkers is my keyholder. We get together every couple of weeks and she watches me jerk off, then I’m relocked. She reports to me in the job, and she makes me do all her paperwork and write her reports. Do you think she gets a good review?
      Wife doesn’t know, as we sleep in separate rooms and no longer have a sexual relationship.
      As you can imagine, I get pretty horny in meeting! Oh, and I wear her lace thong panties everyday. The wife knows about the panties.

      So a non-relationship keyholder can work well!


      February 14, 2014 at 5:25 pm

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