Kink in exile

Notes from a kinky nomad

Orgasm Control Through Trial and Error: Q&A

Recently, Wanderingpirate asked “What influence, if any, has controlling other peoples’ orgasms had on the way you relate to your own?” via Twitter.

My first thought was “it doesn’t,” but as I thought about it further I realized that actually, while there isn’t a direct impact there were several indirect ways in which orgasm control impacts the kind of sex I have, and can have, and therefore my orgasms.

Beyond the very obvious of “penetrative sex isn’t possible,” is the more nuanced “penetrative sex is totally doable but what is the cost/benefit analysis.”  There is the perceived hassle of unlocking my partner (actually this is pretty trivial, it just feels like a barrier to entry) as well as the trade off between watching him edge and maybe come today, and getting him to be even more horny tomorrow.  I adore watching my partner ask, beg, bargain and attempt to persuade me into an orgasm.  Truth is, the hornier and more desperate he gets, the more I get turned on.  In addition to the trade-off exercise above, this changes the way I have sex in another way.  I get more focused on my partner, and on getting him closer to his edge; by extension I spend less time focused on my own orgasms and ways to achieve them.

Finally, and most surprisingly to me, I am more randy when my partner is locked up.  I want more sex, more naked time, more opportunities to trace the rubber coated lock and hard plastic shell around his dick.  I also want to fuck him.  Strap-on play is something I enjoy in the same way I enjoy giving blowjobs; it’s something nice to do for my partner, I like to see the reactions, it’s fun, and at times novel.  But there have been a couple of times (as in two) when I’ve seriously craved strap-on sex.  Both times it was when my partner was locked up…I’m not sure what that’s about, maybe the control, maybe the fact that this turns him on like there’s no tomorrow, but either way, I think the sex I have when my partner is locked up is more intense, more intentional, and perhaps a little more rough.  I’d love to hear his perspective on this!




Written by kinkinexile

March 29, 2012 at 7:32 pm

3 Responses

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  1. Thanks for writing this. 🙂 I ask because I’m finding myself fascinated trying to grok the intersecting mindsets of various people as they engage in orgasm-control play.

    In certain ways, I’m so much more interested in (and turned on by) the theory and psychology of sex than I am by the physicality of sex. (Sometimes I feel pretty okay with this; in fact, sometimes intellisexuality seems like the most obvious and exciting erotic priority; and other times I feel sad that my erotic experiences are so divorced from my body and tied up in my head. 😦 )

    Lately, I have (for, um, reasons…) been rolling around in my mind the possibility of creatures for whom orgasms are entirely optional, a special treat rather than a form of sexual sustenance… And even just psychologically and emotionally tasting this idea has had a meaningful influence on the sense-making I do around my own erotic response. Because of my own complicated relationship to orgasms, a paradigm of intimacy in which they are primarily understood (by all parties involved) as a tool or toy feels infinitely more supportive of my sanity than one in which sex and play are means to the end-goal of getting off…

    Um. Anyway. Academic-y jargon aside… I like getting to look inside your head. 😉 Thanks.


    April 2, 2012 at 1:46 pm

    • (Hmm. Incidentally, I think I’m using the concept of “intellisexuality” here differently than maymay tends to use it…although perhaps what I’m talking about is a sort of meta-intellisexuality in which, for me, what’s most erotic is the transference, intersection, inspiration and synthesis of ideas about what’s erotic… 🙂 )


      April 2, 2012 at 1:58 pm

      • Incidentally, I think I’m using the concept of “intellisexuality” here differently than maymay tends to use it…

        Well, thirdxlucky, If what you’re referring to by “intellisexuality” is a physical sensation (including an emotional-physical response, since emotions are fundamentally neurotransmitter-influenced physical substances sloshing around in a chemical bath having very complex interactions) wherein you feel like, ultimately, “orgasms are entirely optional,” then I don’t think you’re using the term differently than I tend to use it. Rather, you’re simply extending the term to a context I hadn’t often used it in—but I have used the term “intellisexual” in contexts similar to this one, too. 😉


        April 4, 2012 at 2:23 am

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