And it has taken its toll
May I be filled with loving-kindness
May I be well
May I be peaceful and at ease
May I be happy
May all beings be filled with loving-kindness
May all beings be well
May all beings be peaceful and at ease
May all beings be happy
Today was meant to be a day for productivity, for doing things which look out into the world and announce their presence. Instead it has become a day of looking in. Friday was the first night of Passover, a holiday I end up marking in one way or another even as my spiritual self transforms from year to year. Passover is about telling the story of exodus, but just as much it is about noting the things that bind and oppress us in the current day. It is a day we mark our intent to create justice (“let all who hunger come and eat at our table”) and a day when we note the discrepancy between our words and our actions (who do you truly invite to eat at your table?)
Surprisingly, this weekend has also become a time to reflect on the things that stand in opposition to one another, and the ways in which activism and Work has taken a toll on me. I spoke at length in my last post about being over the BDSM community, and yet I spoke yesterday with a friend about the possibility of teaching a class on orgasm control. (If you can’t find it, build it.)
I thought for the last year that I am looking for a romantic partner, but I am realizing that what I actually want is a partner in crime and a community to share resources among. I have found such creative excuses to not go on dates as “I might be tired after work” and “I really should clean the house,” which leads me to believe I don’t actually want to go on dates while I am still interested in exploring the types of relationships I may later want. (And to be clear, I value and am deeply grateful for the relationships I have been forming over the last year.)
It has become rather more difficult to walk through the world because I see more of the subtle tensions than I would honestly like to, and also because I am finding tension between the activism I am doing and the type of person I want to be. There is a balance between my desire to break open the power structures of BDSM for example and my desire to support individuals in the pursuit of whatever kind of sex they enjoy, and I have not yet found that balance.
I think I am going to make the executive decision that this is not a problem right now. Now is a time for growth and gentle change, and that’s ok too.