Kink in exile

Notes from a kinky nomad

So much on my brain, and so little on paper

I haven’t been writing lately because…I have too many things going through my brain.  A lot of them are hard personally or politically and I’m not at the place now where I can explore them, but there are a few things that I wanted to start finding words for…

My sexuality is not just about sex…

I tried to explain to a lover once, and I feel it’s worth repeating, that for a lot of women, myself include sexuality is sometimes expressed through mundane self care.  It’s why the Porn for New Moms books are not just cute, they’re true.  When you are dealing with a population that takes on 2/3 or more of household labor in a relationship, acts as the primary caretaker for most children, and is socialized to put others first sex gets shoved to the back burner.  Stress is a great libido killer, and this Porn for New Moms thing is a promise of “I will help with the housework and hold space for you to take a nap.”  When you’re going through sleep dep, there is nothing sexier than a nap, but as someone who is child free I still experience this bleeding of my sex life into the mundane.  Getting a manicure is an expression of my sexuality – it is frivolous and makes me feel worth spending time and money on.  Fresh flowers, textured clothing, shoes and the butter soft leather purse I bought last week are all things that feed my sexuality without having to be about sex.

Charity, compassionate consumption, and being a citizen of the world

Late last year I had a revelation.  There is a difference between charity and activism, I discovered.  What’s more, I learned that while charity, or more accurately tzedakah, was a good thing to do (in fact I was raised to believe that giving a portion of your funds to support others in your community is a non-negotiable fact of life), it didn’t translate to change in the world.  Charity allows others in my community to participate in the existing system whether that is kids in my local community getting free lunches in the summer or women in countries I’ve never been becoming business owners, activism attempts to change the system.  Fascinating.  I am presently reading Brand Aid, a study of the Project (RED) campaign which partners with mid to high end brands in the West to create a line of products from which a portion of proceeds is donated to fighting AIDS transmission in Africa.  This is interesting to me on a number of levels, not least of which is the pairing of charity with behavior and active choice.  By creating a charity “value add” to products consumers would buy anyway (t-shirts, iPad covers, and vodka to name a few) (RED) harnesses funds that would not have been otherwise allocated to charity, which is fine and good, but far far more importantly, it gives the average western consumer a way to begin making socially responsible choices with a very low personal cost.  My question is, does this later engage people in more/deeper behavior changes?

Sexual healing

My sex is not activism.  In fact, I try pretty hard to keep politics out of my bed.  However, a lover commented that I make him feel attractive and that made me feel warm and fuzzy on the inside.  Sex happens in different ways at different times for me; one of the things that’s really important, meaningful and powerful for me in sex is the capacity to heal.  Strangely, for something I value so much there isn’t actually anything I do to facilitate that…sometimes, it just sorta happens.  Dossie Easton explained it at a workshop I once attended by describing that moment when you put something scary and vulnerable, perhaps embarrassing, on the table and your sexual partner mirrors it back with love, lust, or joy.  Acceptance alone can be healing.  I wish I had more resources to learn about this aspect of sexuality.

Written by kinkinexile

May 4, 2012 at 2:38 pm

Posted in headspace

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