Orgasm control through trial and error: Crashing
Something that I don’t see a lot of talk about is the whole complex emotional mess that happens when you allow your partner to have an orgasm. Or, when it is talked about, it’s often discussed in “bad husband” language: he’s less attentive; he’s less good at housework, etc. Coming a little closer is this idea of he is “less submissive,” which I find problematic because chastity does not a submissive man make, but compelling because it is a two word summary of how this looks at first blush.
The denial process creates a bond, it makes my partner spend time thinking about me, my control over him, and when if ever I might let him come. When he gets to have an orgasm, it closes the thread and gives him a respite from all that thinking. For my part, the denial process makes me constantly aware of my control over my partner, gives me a highly desirable treat to dole out as I see fit, and keeps me connected both to my partner and to the power dynamic we’re building. When he has an orgasm, the treat I have is temporarily less valuable, my control less obvious, and what had been a very tightly bound string of control loosens, sometimes a lot. So I crash.
I crash because it’s ultimately event drop – I’d focused attention on this thing for a while, it was pretty intense and now it’s over. But I also crash because his behavior does change: at least for a little while he isn’t asking for permission to masturbate or have an orgasm which means he isn’t reaffirming our power dynamic as frequently and that I have fewer moments in which to exercise control. He is less responsive to physical touch too, which makes me feel less desirable even though I know it shouldn’t. He isn’t less submissive as a noun, but he may be less submissive as a verb…
So there were 3 orgasms that were 3 very different experiences for me…
There was one where shockingly I didn’t crash – I’d been teasing him for a little while, I woke him up for sex and let him come, it was shockingly sexy and as he cuddled into me afterward falling asleep I told him I wasn’t done with him yet. The next day he sent me a sweet text about how he was in the shower and remembered my saying I wasn’t done and so he didn’t masturbate. It was lovely, and sweet, and affirming. And yes, it was also seriously hot.
Then there was a night where I wanted to give him a treat. It’d been a hard day, he’d been amazing throughout it, and he deserved something nice – and I crashed hard. Trial and error, and now I know that I need treats other than orgasms. To be clear, he was incredibly good; the thing that made me want to give him an orgasm treat was, in fact, how good he was being, but there is a subtle difference between wanting to give him a treat, and wanting him to have an orgasm and I didn’t quite appreciate that before. So, he’s gonna get more backrubs, and cuddles, and praise and fewer “you’ve been good” orgasms I think. One very attractive thought for me is that being good has nothing to do with it. He gets to have orgasms to please me much like he gets to take a beating to please me – that’s fucking hot in my book. So while good pets deserve treats and certainly good behavior around orgasm control deserves no end of praise, there is also something really sexy about removing orgasms from a cause and effect chain. He can’t behave, obey, or submit his way into an orgasm and the orgasm is not a reward I feel obliged to give, but rather something that belongs to me that I can ask for.
Or, put another way, my desire to give him something nice is different from my desire to watch him come and it’s worth keeping the two separate. (Don’t panic, I still love watching him come…sometimes).
Finally there was a night that wasn’t orgasm control at all, and as such I didn’t crash, but I learned something new. He wasn’t feeling well, we were both stressed and exhausted, he couldn’t take another night of bad sleep. He asked to come, I said no – I wasn’t in a place to enjoy his orgasm with him. He pushed the issue; neither of us had the energy to work through it. We talked about it briefly, I wasn’t willing to give him permission to have an orgasm, but I was willing to take a step back and out of that dynamic and give back agency over his body. So, he took a bath and did whatever it is he did and I sat in bed and read tumblr blogs and then we cuddled. So it was a little odd, and it was a challenge to the idea of our power dynamic, but it also felt a lot better and a lot safer than if I had participated in allowing him an orgasm. Had I done that, I would have felt bullied into it, and unsure of my ability to assert control in the future. That’s not what happened by a long shot – but sometimes fantasy bows to reality and a good night’s sleep. Ok, there is a part of me that wonders if I should have or could have pushed back, but I also very much feel like we just weren’t in that place. Someday, I’d like to be in a place where I can work with a partner through the moments of “this sucks, I’m tired, and I wanna quit” but that is not where we were in that moment. Go ahead, write me a treatise on why I’m not domly enough, I’ll wait :-p
These interactions actually teach me a lot about how I experience my relationships beyond orgasm control because it’s almost like having a relationship under a microscope. (Emotional prototyping, and here I thought that wasn’t possible!) One of the things I’m learning is that in my kinky relationships – my I’m the dominant partner relationships in specific – I want a thread of control throughout the relationship. This is very different from we add a little slap and tickle to our Saturday nights. This isn’t better or more authentic or more real – it just suits me better. Orgasm control is appealing for its codification of control, and from its appeal I learned that I really do want every day control and every day power exchange. That’s what makes orgasm control so hot and it’s also what makes me crash – that thing that’s so central to my performance of sexual relationships just wrapped up, that’s hard.