Kink in exile

Notes from a kinky nomad

Orgasm control through trial and error: Crashing

Something that I don’t see a lot of talk about is the whole complex emotional mess that happens when you allow your partner to have an orgasm.  Or, when it is talked about, it’s often discussed in “bad husband” language: he’s less attentive; he’s less good at housework, etc.  Coming a little closer is this idea of he is “less submissive,” which I find problematic because chastity does not a submissive man make, but compelling because it is a two word summary of how this looks at first blush.

The denial process creates a bond, it makes my partner spend time thinking about me, my control over him, and when if ever I might let him come.  When he gets to have an orgasm, it closes the thread and gives him a respite from all that thinking.  For my part, the denial process makes me constantly aware of my control over my partner, gives me a highly desirable treat to dole out as I see fit, and keeps me connected both to my partner and to the power dynamic we’re building.  When he has an orgasm, the treat I have is temporarily less valuable, my control less obvious, and what had been a very tightly bound string of control loosens, sometimes a lot.  So I crash.

I crash because it’s ultimately event drop – I’d focused attention on this thing for a while, it was pretty intense and now it’s over.  But I also crash because his behavior does change: at least for a little while he isn’t asking for permission to masturbate or have an orgasm which means he isn’t reaffirming our power dynamic as frequently and that I have fewer moments in which to exercise control.  He is less responsive to physical touch too, which makes me feel less desirable even though I know it shouldn’t.  He isn’t less submissive as a noun, but he may be less submissive as a verb…

So there were 3 orgasms that were 3 very different experiences for me…
There was one where shockingly I didn’t crash – I’d been teasing him for a little while, I woke him up for sex and let him come, it was shockingly sexy and as he cuddled into me afterward falling asleep I told him I wasn’t done with him yet.  The next day he sent me a sweet text about how he was in the shower and remembered my saying I wasn’t done and so he didn’t masturbate.  It was lovely, and sweet, and affirming. And yes, it was also seriously hot.

Then there was a night where I wanted to give him a treat.  It’d been a hard day, he’d been amazing throughout it, and he deserved something nice – and I crashed hard.  Trial and error, and now I know that I need treats other than orgasms.  To be clear, he was incredibly good; the thing that made me want to give him an orgasm treat was, in fact, how good he was being, but there is a subtle difference between wanting to give him a treat, and wanting him to have an orgasm and I didn’t quite appreciate that before.  So, he’s gonna get more backrubs, and cuddles, and praise and fewer “you’ve been good” orgasms I think.  One very attractive thought for me is that being good has nothing to do with it.  He gets to have orgasms to please me much like he gets to take a beating to please me – that’s fucking hot in my book.  So while good pets deserve treats and certainly good behavior around orgasm control deserves no end of praise, there is also something really sexy about removing orgasms from a cause and effect chain.  He can’t behave, obey, or submit his way into an orgasm and the orgasm is not a reward I feel obliged to give, but rather something that belongs to me that I can ask for.

Or, put another way, my desire to give him something nice is different from my desire to watch him come and it’s worth keeping the two separate. (Don’t panic, I still love watching him come…sometimes).

Finally there was a night that wasn’t orgasm control at all, and as such I didn’t crash, but I learned something new.  He wasn’t feeling well, we were both stressed and exhausted, he couldn’t take another night of bad sleep.  He asked to come, I said no – I wasn’t in a place to enjoy his orgasm with him.  He pushed the issue; neither of us had the energy to work through it.  We talked about it briefly, I wasn’t willing to give him permission to have an orgasm, but I was willing to take a step back and out of that dynamic and give back agency over his body.  So, he took a bath and did whatever it is he did and I sat in bed and read tumblr blogs and then we cuddled.  So it was a little odd, and it was a challenge to the idea of our power dynamic, but it also felt a lot better and a lot safer than if I had participated in allowing him an orgasm.  Had I done that, I would have felt bullied into it, and unsure of my ability to assert control in the future.  That’s not what happened by a long shot – but sometimes fantasy bows to reality and a good night’s sleep. Ok, there is a part of me that wonders if I should have or could have pushed back, but I also very much feel like we just weren’t in that place.  Someday, I’d like to be in a place where I can work with a partner through the moments of “this sucks, I’m tired, and I wanna quit” but that is not where we were in that moment.  Go ahead, write me a treatise on why I’m not domly enough, I’ll wait :-p

These interactions actually teach me a lot about how I experience my relationships beyond orgasm control because it’s almost like having a relationship under a microscope.  (Emotional prototyping, and here I thought that wasn’t possible!) One of the things I’m learning is that in my kinky relationships – my I’m the dominant partner relationships in specific – I want a thread of control throughout the relationship.  This is very different from we add a little slap and tickle to our Saturday nights.  This isn’t better or more authentic or more real – it just suits me better.  Orgasm control is appealing for its codification of control, and from its appeal I learned that I really do want every day control and every day power exchange.  That’s what makes orgasm control so hot and it’s also what makes me crash – that thing that’s so central to my performance of sexual relationships just wrapped up, that’s hard.

Written by kinkinexile

June 26, 2012 at 11:27 pm

Posted in Orgasm Control

6 Responses

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  1. I love how you are exploring this, and I love how you describe it. I rarely see it examined in this way from the dominant perspective, and I am enjoying it immensely. I can see a lot of my experiences in it.

    One of the things I learnt with my last is that unlike many other men, he *didn’t want to be made to come* because it ended the ‘extended foreplay’ that you have described already, and this was uber fun for me. Threatening to make him come = awesome, and the mix of ‘omg coming is amaaazziiinggg’ with ‘awww, she made me come’ was possibly the sexiest, most adorable thing I had ever seen from him.

    Also, so fucking hot, all of it!!



    June 27, 2012 at 9:35 pm

    • Hey Ferns,

      Thanks for sharing your experience. Yeah, I didn’t find a lot of resources for tops…everything just felt like fantasy fodder and bad advice, so I decided to write some. 🙂


      June 29, 2012 at 9:34 am

  2. I have said before that orgasm denial and chastity play are some of the scariest things I can see a partner realistically requesting, but damn do ever you make a good case for it here.


    June 28, 2012 at 3:02 pm

  3. You said this morning that you were hoping for more comments on this thread, so I’m commenting!

    “He can’t behave, obey, or submit his way into an orgasm and the orgasm is not a reward I feel obliged to give, but rather something that belongs to me that I can ask for.”

    Hm. So, I have to admit that I, ah…always just sort of assumed this was a given? Even the other things you described — backrubs and cuddles and praise etc. — aren’t things I’ve ever thought of in terms of treats or training tools; they’re all just other ways that I enjoy my partner. I mean, now that I think of it, I suppose it’s never really occurred to me to give things as treats because, well…the treat is *me*.

    Which probably sounds funny, but it actually worries me a little bit. Because it occurs to me, reading this, that one artifact of my “make-it-all-up-from-scratch” style of BDSM (or whatever) is that, despite my gatekeeper-induced insecurities around being “amateurish,” there might be some scenarios in which I’m actually *more* controlling, demanding, or otherwise intense than someone in the dominant role would “normally” be, simply because nobody’s ever told me that’s not how it’s done.

    Which, y’know, could be fun for my partner I suppose…but also feels like something I need to be conscious of and communicating better around. At the very least, this post makes me want to be more conscientious about checking in regularly with the people I’m playing with about what their expectations are. Because I realize that it’s sometimes hard to know you even *have* a particular expectation until it isn’t met and then you find yourself surprisingly disappointed.

    “So there were 3 orgasms that were 3 very different experiences for me…”

    I always really enjoy hearing these stories. I admire the nuance and complexity of both the ways that you construct and analyze your intimate experiences.

    Re: The crash. Obviously, I have very, very little personal experience with any of this. But even from the very small amount of personal experience I do have, the thing you’re describing makes perfect emotional sense to me.

    Interestingly, I think I have a bit of the inverse relationship to it. For you, it sounds like dropping the control and missing it makes you realize that this is something you want all the time. For me, I think knowing that this isn’t something I could have (or probably even want) all the time makes the idea of having it for short periods of time even hotter. Perhaps the crash — although the feeling of loss you describe is not something I imagine ever enjoying in and of itself — is the upper bound that makes a finite moment of control feel acutely, almost painfully sweet. …Or maybe I’ll just be telling myself that to trick myself into appreciating the drop.

    I also really enjoy the different approaches and styles that you and I have to play and intimacy. I like reading about yours because I get exposed to things I wouldn’t have thought about otherwise, and because it gives me perspective that helps me understand my own better. The fact that we have dovetailing interests but very different relationships to them also makes me happy for some other people who we know in common, as I’m given to understand that “variety is the spice…” 😉

    More than anything, I like how much cuddling there is in this post! I really like hearing about cuddling. (Huh. Funny. People write really detailed posts about sex, but we never write really detailed posts about our cuddling.)

    Okay. There’s a (long) comment! I didn’t say anything incendiary, but maybe it will still spark some discussion. It was really good getting to spend so much time with you these past few weeks. Looking forward to more conversations and the next time we see each other!


    June 29, 2012 at 4:23 am

  4. Thirdxlucky,

    “Hm. So, I have to admit that I, ah…always just sort of assumed this was a given? Even the other things you described — backrubs and cuddles and praise etc. — aren’t things I’ve ever thought of in terms of treats or training tools; they’re all just other ways that I enjoy my partner. I mean, now that I think of it, I suppose it’s never really occurred to me to give things as treats because, well…the treat is *me*. ”

    There’s a lot of common “earn your orgasm” tropes that Maymay and I occasionally talk about with “treat vs. reward” langauge. [More here: Things like cuddles and backrubs are definitely things I do to share intimacy or enjoy my partner kink-free, but I also look for ways to reinforce the behaviors we’re both striving for. Reinforce sounds like a really harsh artificial control word, but all I really mean is a way to say “hey, you did this thing that’s hard, good job. I’m still thinking of you; I noticed.”

    The idea of “the treat it *me*.” just rubs me the wrong way in all sorts of ways. Um, not as in you shouldn’t do it, but as in it would just fail for me. First and perhaps most urgent is that it plays right into the feminine sexuality I was trained into – “he’s lucky to have you, make him work for it.” It gets really complicated for me to enjoy my sexuality and to respect my partner if “he’s lucky to have me.” I mean, he is, sure, but I’m lucky to have him so it’s a wash.

    More subtly and related to BDSM, I’ve had power dynamics fall apart when I, my partner, or both took them for granted. Those “I noticed” moments are actually super important to me both so that I’m not leaving my partner alone with their demons and so that I feel appreciated for the energy I put into being a top. They’re also super important because they are the line for me between this kinky temporary (or long-term intentional) power exchange and the kind of taken for granted power that I just can’t do.


    June 29, 2012 at 9:33 am

  5. […] is from a private conversation about my orgasm control/ crashing post, specifically about where reality interrupted the scene in the last of the three orgasms I […]

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