Kink in exile

Notes from a kinky nomad


My fantasy life of COURSE wanted you to push back and say “I said ‘No!’.” I have no idea how my reality would’ve dealt in that instance.

This is from a private conversation about my orgasm control/ crashing post, specifically about where reality interrupted the scene in the last of the three orgasms I describe.

It’s interesting because so little of what I read about orgasm control and chastity play isn’t fantasy.  It’s also interesting because unchecked fantasy is usually where I end up feeling bullied…let me back up, I’ve been talking to a lot of people recently about moments when I feel like a guy is trying to bully me into topping him.  This is actually a behavior that is no different than a guy trying to bully a girl into sex of the vanilla persuasion, except the ask is slightly different.  I’ve been trying to find a framework to talk about male privilege and how men are sometimes taught by society that sex is something that’s owed to them without reinforcing this stereotype of sexually submissive men as demanding, whiny, or undesirable.

Put simply, I adore sexually submissive men, and I don’t tolerate demanding or prescriptive sexual behavior.  The ‘and’ is highlighted in that last sentence because I kept writing it with a ‘but’ and feeling like I was making a statement about submissive men being demanding, then I thought to put an ‘and’ in instead and suddenly realized these are divorced traits.  (Language is cool like that.)

I’m not being bullied into topping someone because submissive men bully their partners into sex, I am being bullied because I’m talking to an asshole who doesn’t have a firm grasp on ongoing and enthusiastic consent.  The fact that this particular asshole happens to be submissive is selection bias, which is to say, I am specifically looking for sexually submissive men therefore I’m already in that pool.  So, anyway, this brings me back to that odd paradigm where because I am female and because the way our society has historically handled sex and gender is busted, I not infrequently have to deal with men who think they have a god given right to my time and attention and would like to exercise that god given right by telling me about their fantasies and/or trying to push me into playing along.

I banned one acquaintance on a chat client after a drunken incident wherein he kept asking me for permission to have an orgasm and I kept explaining that we didn’t have that kind of relationship so, frankly, I didn’t care if he had an orgasm or not.  And I’ve received everything from insults to ballads from men I’ve informed, in nicer language usually, that I didn’t know them from Adam and didn’t want to talk to them thank you very much.  Usually, these bullying episodes are unchecked fantasy…I very much doubt my acquaintance wanted me – flesh, blood, and personhood me – to control his orgasm so much as he wanted some woman somewhere to take control and tell him he was or was not allowed to come.  Had reality actually been consulted he would be as aware as I was that we did not have that relationship; needless to say, reality was MIA.

One of the things that makes the relationship I describe in all my orgasm control posts possible, is my partner’s extremely firm grasp on a) reality and b) consent.  His near-religious adherence to consent culture, and the fact that he is so very careful with my boundaries is the cost of entry to the sex I (and I hope, we) want to have.  In taking a step back and being enthusiastically available to me, but not actively pursuing me he gives me space to step forward and engage rather than spend my time fighting my spidey sense.  Fantasies are hot, incredibly so, and we share them regularly, but knowing our reality means actually getting to do this in reality!

I don’t know if I would have said “no” in my fantasy.  More likely than not, I wouldn’t fantasize about quite this situation – I don’t fantasize about partners being pushy and me having to overpower them and enforce my will like some sort of uncaring ice-queen.  That isn’t hot to me.  Hot to me is a partner who wants to be good and who wouldn’t dream of using an excuse to “get out of” something we both want.  I fantasize about a partner begging me to not let him come, asking to be locked up, or asking me to hurt him; not one I have to “punish” or lock up for “his own good.”

But since I’ve been wanting to post a porn short for ages…I fantasize about having him locked up and tied down, face down on the bed with a few pillows under his hips so he could almost rub against them while I fuck his ass except of course it’s futile and about amusing myself watching him get into a state of dripping, begging, frenzy while I get off before making him get dressed and go out to some sort of social dinner knowing all the while that he won’t be able to focus on anything outside his body and my nails grazing his thigh under the table.

Written by kinkinexile

July 8, 2012 at 11:18 pm

3 Responses

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  1. I fantasize about a partner begging me to not let him come, asking to be locked up, or asking me to hurt him; not one I have to “punish” or lock up for “his own good.”

    From a guy’s perspective, this is a tough one. While most of us (i.e., those of us who kink on the chastity) actually *do* want you to keep us locked up, most of us kink on the loss of control aspect, so it’s hard to get into a headspace in which we’re asking for more lockup time because in *our* fantasies, you’re forcing us into it. The trick is to “force” us to admit that we enjoy it, and then to demand that we ask for more.

    And yes, that’s a generalization, but it’s based on several years of conversations on various web groups. Chastity is really a kink about loss of control on a very basic level.

    Tom Allen

    July 9, 2012 at 7:26 am

    • “Chastity is really a kink about loss of control on a very basic level.” Yep, I by and large agree. Taking control and having artifacts of that control is part of the appeal for me too, but how I want to take control in my fantasy sometimes doesn’t aline with how someone else wants to lose control in theirs…and that’s why we can’t have nice things :-p


      July 9, 2012 at 11:37 pm

  2. I don’t fantasize about partners being pushy and me having to overpower them and enforce my will like some sort of uncaring ice-queen.

    Oh wow, that’s such a good explanation of why so few descriptions of chastity play do anything for me. I don’t fantasize about my partner being pushy either, for me that’s the opposite of a turn on. At the same time, I can see how an opportunity to enforce their will would do it for other people. I just wish there was more space for different flavours of chastity play.


    July 14, 2012 at 3:30 pm

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