Kink in exile

Notes from a kinky nomad

Care & Feeding: the language I use

Word have power, and the words I use often bridge different aspects of my life so I figured I’d put up a little glossary.

Bandwidth, as in “do you have bandwidth to talk about this now?”  –  Bandwidth is a combination of time, cope, and desire.   Because it is a measure not just of time but also of emotional space, different aspects of my life impact my bandwidth in non-obvious ways.  I might be sitting right next to you with obvious time to talk, but I might be emotionally tapped out.

Tapped out is a state of being “at the end of my rope” or out of emotional ability to take on more.  It’s another way of saying “overwhelmed.”  Tapped out can also be verbed – tapping out means I have reached my edge and I’m going to switch gears and not deal with this right now.  “I’m gonna tap out, lets regroup and talk about this after dinner.”

Swap-in is the opposite of tap out, “I’m going to finish this one thing for work and then I’ll swap in.”  I am reorganizing the things I’m doing to allow me to give you my full attention.  When I’m swapped in I’m “fully present.”

The things above have a lot to do with resources.  Resource or resource allocation is often used as a genteel way of saying “money” and I do use it in that sense.  I also use it to mean, time, energy, emotional capacity, and to a lesser degree physical desire (because the latter is least finite).  Resources are finite and in open/poly/nonmonogamous relationships it’s important to know where your resources are going.  More resource allocation to one relationship directly results in fewer available resources for another.  Love might be infinite but time isn’t.

Solution space is one I used in an email earlier today with the desire to define it, but often it’s a thing I want to limit.  The solution space is the range of all possible options that can be used to solve a problem or answer a question, and a good solution space is big enough to be flexible but narrow enough to give direction.  If I ask “do you want pizza or Chinese” and you say “there’s a great Indian place down the block” you’ve expanded the solution space;expanding sounds awesome but it’s actually really frustrating because it gets us further from a decision point.  (As an aside “I’d prefer the Indian place down the street” is actually a great answer because it states a clear actionable solution.)  If on the other hand we want to talk about where this relationship is going, we might sketch a solution space basically putting up guardrails within which we can build – “I want to see you more than once a quarter and less than once a day.”  A solution space is not the answer, it is the space in which the answer can be crafted.

Craft, this is not my new fascination with macramé teddy bears, it is my work, my passion, the thing I spend a lot of resources on.   My craft is understanding human behavior and building experiences with intention.  I talk about this a lot, in a lot of different ways.  Intentionality is very important to me.

Written by kinkinexile

September 13, 2012 at 7:39 pm

Posted in care&feeding

2 Responses

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  1. After reading this post, I wonder if I would be well-served expanding on my #MaymayManual in longer-form writing. I am oddly hesitant to do this for some reason I have yet to identify. Hmm. In any event, thanks for sharing.


    September 13, 2012 at 7:48 pm

    • Hmm, I’m not sure how to take that. One of the things that is not good/useful about this Care & Feeding thread is that I’m certain taken out of the context of knowing me someone could follow it to the letter, still do it wrong, but be certain they were following the specs exactly. This is because, unlike say nuclear reactors, humans do not respond to the same stimuli the same way each time. It’s very inconvenient :-p


      September 13, 2012 at 8:20 pm

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