Kink in exile

Notes from a kinky nomad


The pieces I started but never came back to, think of it as a parking lot of blog ideas…

Borderlands wherein I learn about my relationship with gender.

My relationship with gender looks deceptively simple.  Labeled a pretty girl at age 4 I pretty much remained such.  Petite and traditionally female in a lot of ways most people don’t have to think hard about my gender presentation. Because where my gender intersects with my professional world, my social groupings etc, this is rarely a problem, but it turns out that where my gender intersects with my sexual relationships there’s a whole other story. My gender at work is simple – N/A. My gender in sexual relationships is complex not for any lack of desire to be female but rather for the desire to pick and choose from traditionally gendered relationship traits.

I like the traditionally assigned boy role in courtship and the traditionally assigned girl role in sex.  Which is to say, I like to initiate flirting, do the asking out, pay for things, and initiate sex.  I also like to wear makeup, and get fucked to my specifications.


How to build community

This one is for my platonic husband C, who having dragged me out of the grips of depression more than a year ago, has looked back recently and asked me where all these people came from.

You don’t know anyone,
So learn to talk to strangers.

Do this over and over again,
Be oblivious of the nervous looks
But responsive to the natural ends of conversations.

Find your passion,
If you don’t have one, find a hobby.
Borrow someone else’s if you must.
The best hobbies have meetings,
Like book clubs- phonetrees are also a marker
Of a well suited hobby.

Put on your big girl panties
And go to every meeting, talk
To strangers about the details of a book
You only skimmed.

Call the people you haven’t
Seen in months. Allow polite
Fictions to roll off your tongue –
Grad school ate my brain. The breakup?
It was mutual.

When you have reached a critical mass
Of familiar strangers, turn them into

Have a dinner party, have as many
Dinner parties as it takes to get
Invited into someone else’s home.

People are trained-
To reciprocate intimacy

Say yes to every invitation
Proximity is an intimacy marker

Stir gently for 18 months
Wonder where all these people
Came from.


Travel mode happens on its own schedule. There’s no immediacy, and a tendency to get distracted and do what feels good for however long it feels good.

In travel mode, I assume it will all work out.  I get lost, patiently cast a net and assume I’ll get found. I’m more patient with setbacks, and tolerate confusion well. I’m in learner mode…how do you use the bus here?

Sometimes in travel mode my language gets mixed. I prepare in French or Spanish even when in lines in America. I order Russian at cafes in Germany. I let my otherness show and in doing so feel more accepted, safer.

I am tolerant of my body too, there’s a secret you’ll notice if you spend enough time with me, there are a lot of times when I’m an oddly picky eater, or I don’t want to meet around meal times. I am, quite frequently, slightly nauseated. A mix of not enough resolve for an elimination diet and too many experiences with travelers illness – in travel mode this doesn’t bother me as much.


Holding space

There is a thing that happens in my sex sometimes that I don’t really have the language for.  It’s this idea of holding space – holding space for my partners desires and fears. Holding space for past hurts and for healing.  It is incredibly sexy to me to make other peoples fantasies happen and I love the look of wonder on a partners face when I get to make something they’ve really wanted actually happen.

Strangely, this makes me feel like an asshole. It makes me feel like an asshole because I take pleasure in creating something that is rare and hard to access and that benefits from my lovers desires being hard to access.


How does personal experience impact participant observation?
Structural inequality
Question choice
Data quality gay vs msm
Clumping effect in data

Written by kinkinexile

October 14, 2012 at 10:58 pm

Posted in headspace

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