Orgasm control through trial and error: permission is the wrong word.
When mid-last-week I sent a text message that read, “I’m asking you not to have any orgasms without my permission…” I realized immediately that permission was the wrong word. What I actually meant was “instruction” or maybe “direction.”
Permission puts the onus of initiation on the submissive partner, and moreover, puts me as the dominant partner in a responsive space rather than an initiation space.
Q: Please may I come?
A: Yes/No/Yes but not now/No Never/Yes if you jump through this flaming hoop
It’s a call and response protocol in which I have to wait to respond.
Compare that to:
“I want you to kneel over there and edge while I read.”
“I want you to find some privacy, have an orgasm, and then tell me about what you fantasized about while doing that.”
Or, because I’m secretly a woo-woo hippie “I want to share an orgasm with you.”
Or less woo-woo “I want your orgasm, now.”
All of these are ways for me to get the orgasm I want from my partner in a way that is still centered on me.
This doesn’t always work; I love begging, so the “please may I…” is nice. So is:
A: Hands off. Now.
But I’m curious as to what kind of behavior that will produce over time, and I don’t want to dissuade begging.
Permission centers on my partner’s want for an orgasm; instruction centers on my want of…well, whatever it is I want. I wonder if we focus so much on permission because orgasm control porn was designed by men, maybe this is related to how it took work for me to feel like I have permission to say “yes” while permission to say “no” was implicit.