Kink in exile

Notes from a kinky nomad

Orgasm control through trial and error: permission is the wrong word.

When mid-last-week I sent a text message that read, “I’m asking you not to have any orgasms without my permission…” I realized immediately that permission was the wrong word. What I actually meant was “instruction” or maybe “direction.”

Permission puts the onus of initiation on the submissive partner, and moreover, puts me as the dominant partner in a responsive space rather than an initiation space.

Q: Please may I come?
A: Yes/No/Yes but not now/No Never/Yes if you jump through this flaming hoop

It’s a call and response protocol in which I have to wait to respond.

Compare that to:
“I want you to kneel over there and edge while I read.”
“I want you to find some privacy, have an orgasm, and then tell me about what you fantasized about while doing that.”

Or, because I’m secretly a woo-woo hippie “I want to share an orgasm with you.”
Or less woo-woo “I want your orgasm, now.”

All of these are ways for me to get the orgasm I want from my partner in a way that is still centered on me.

This doesn’t always work; I love begging, so the “please may I…” is nice.  So is:
Q: Please…
A: Hands off. Now.
But I’m curious as to what kind of behavior that will produce over time, and I don’t want to dissuade begging.

Permission centers on my partner’s want for an orgasm; instruction centers on my want of…well, whatever it is I want. I wonder if we focus so much on permission because orgasm control porn was designed by men, maybe this is related to how it took work for me to feel like I have permission to say “yes” while permission to say “no” was implicit.

Written by kinkinexile

October 29, 2012 at 1:14 pm

Posted in Orgasm Control

One Response

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  1. This is brilliant. This describes the difference between orgasm control I could be into and orgasm control that I’m really just not interested in.


    October 30, 2012 at 8:40 am

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