Kink in exile

Notes from a kinky nomad

Orgasm control through trial and error: threads of power and a weekend debrief

This past week has been a nice. It’s been nice because I’ve been holding agency over my lover’s body without holding agency over his life and my hypothesis was not disproved (yet?).

My hypothesis was that orgasm control is a thread that allows me to have ongoing and casual control over my partner in some meaningful to me ways (sexual agency) while attempting to not exert influence over other factors (life choices, who they have dinner with, etc) beyond that which is normal for an intimate relationship or friendship. My partner and I were at a conference for part of the past week, and I clocked more face time with him than I had anticipated; we haven’t debriefed yet so I don’t know if the fact that we were also actively playing caused that, but I’m curious (hence the yet).

I also really enjoy that my partner brings a sense of realism to our play. When I asked if he was afraid that he’d never have an orgasm ever again, his response was no, though he’d probably not get many orgasms ever again. I like that injection of reality into our play, because as I’ve said before and will keep saying, if my control doesn’t play well with reality it isn’t real.

My partner never having an orgasm ever again isn’t realistic and it isn’t healthy. But my having more orgasms in a day than he has in a month…that’s an actionable goal. And my having more orgasms in a day than he had in the last week, yup that’s a pretty hot reality.

There is also something I want to explore in the realm of casual control and active control. Active control is when I tell him when and how to masturbate, whether he is allowed to have an orgasm in this moment in time, where his hands should go, etc. Casual control is the moment when he is maybe aware that he’s horny but neither of us is actively dealing with it because we’re talking about internet privacy for example. And maybe there are moments that are casual for me but active for him – I like him to edge while I read for example, because I like the imbalance in the level of investment each of us has in his orgasm at that moment. Not having an orgasm is his job not mine, wanting one is too – cause, you know, his wanting is super hot for me.

One other thing that’s top of mind for me right now is what happens if this level of submission is something I get access to in a sustained fashion.  We have a long distance relationship, this means distinct, time and space bounded, intense interactions every one to two months.  While our play still has to deal with reality, it has to deal with a sort of watered down on vacation reality.  I still have to expand energy into active control, but casual control is novel, fun, easy, and incredibly sexy.  I’m not sure what that would feel like at a larger time-scale.

One of the things that I think makes orgasm control work is that I am specifically turned on by having control over my partner’s orgasms.  This isn’t like an unlimited “honey I have a headache” pass.  This is sex.  When I read and my partner edges on the bed next to me and he doesn’t have an orgasm because I didn’t tell him to, that’s not me taking a night off, that’s sex.  So, what happens when I do have a headache?  What happens when I work 70 hour weeks for 3 weeks in a row and I don’t want to have sex?

Those of you in fantasy la la land are likely saying “well he doesn’t get to come, clearly!!”  But you see, even when I don’t give a fuck if he wants an orgasm, I still give a fuck cause, ya’know, it turns me on.  Chastity play is part of how I have sex, I don’t think it works on those “I’ve got a headache” nights.  I think the reason casual control feels so good for me is that it feels sustainable.  It’s something I’d like to prototype – going through reality with that thread of control.

Written by kinkinexile

October 29, 2012 at 4:53 pm

Posted in Orgasm Control

One Response

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  1. Just found my way here through some retweets. This is very similar to how my wife manages orgasm control in our marriage. The general rule is that I only get the orgasms she gives me, though she reserves the right to “actively” control and order me to masturbate to orgasm (seldom happens). A twist is that I’m still required to masturbate exactly three times per week — but only to edge. She greatly enjoys watching me do that!

    Tonight, actually, after an extended play session, she did let me orgasm during intercourse. She told me after, though, that if I hadn’t managed to come when I did, she’d been about to issue an ultimatum: something along the lines of, “You have [so many] seconds to come, or else it will be [so many] days.”

    It works well for us!


    October 31, 2012 at 7:26 pm

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