Kink in exile

Notes from a kinky nomad


Something happens when I sit down to blog these days.  Something unexpected that keeps me on the verge of that cool post I want to make about how lessons learned from the quantified self movement can inform orgasm control and chastity play but never with enough oomph to sit down and write it.  Something that intensifies each time I have a conversation about the BDSM scene.  I feel…empty.  Maybe not empty, maybe illegible or unseen.

I think it looks like this:

  • Kinky sex rocks, but the BDSM scene has caused enough fucked up things around me that it is toxic to me.
  • Talking to people about these toxic things usually results in “but this scene I’m a part of is awesome unlike those other ones”
  • I have heard this enough times that no instance of this is believable
  • I try to explain either a) the disconnect between some of my core values and what the BDSM community brings to the table, or the many cases of abuse within the scene and hear something along the lines of “but what else is there.” “How else do you meet kinky people.” etc.
  • I give up on shared meaning making around BDSM. (Translated for those outside the Bay Area as: I give up on finding common ground.)
  • I feel invisible because the BDSM scene is protecting rapists why aren’t you outraged!

But you see, I am a child of the Internet.  I know I am not alone.  I am not alone in the sex I want, sure, yes, we know that, but much much more importantly, I am not alone in my discontent.

Last night I told a friend that many of my issues with the BDSM scene are basic Gen Y vs. Boomer issues – I don’t like positions of power or people in them.  I don’t like secrets.  I don’t like centralized information accessible only to the “right” people.  The BDSM scene has insisted in subtle or obvious ways on all of these things, it is not a place where I can make my home.

The question is: let it burn itself down – move on, write that post about quantified self and then the other one about behavioral modification as learned from advertizing – or stay – swim upstream and convince the people in power that rape in the ranks has got to go?

Written by kinkinexile

December 13, 2012 at 9:03 am

2 Responses

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  1. For what it’s worth, it’s really good to see the toxicity of the scene discussed, especially for someone like me who’s new to it. Obviously within the scene people talk like it’s a dungeon full of sunshine and unicorns, and while that shouldn’t sound reasonable to anyone, I think some people want to be part of a community where their kinks don’t make them feel like freaks enough to believe that any such community is necessarily a sanctuary. So having you (and Cliff Pervocracy and MayMay and the Yes Means Yes blog) pointing out that *this* is a risk or even a liklihood, that *these* are abusive behaviors and the ways the community responds to them… sure, it isn’t pleasant, but it’s knowledge that can help arm people. Even if y’all do make me think “holy crap, why did I join a BDSM club again? Am I nuts?” I’m relieved to have these sites to fall back on when I see behavior that makes me uncomfortable and might otherwise tell myself it’s just paranoia. So, that was a very rambling way to say thank you for writing about it. Thank you.


    December 13, 2012 at 2:47 pm

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