Kink in exile

Notes from a kinky nomad

Be good


This past week my partner challenged me…

I want to be good for you

Them don’t sound like fighting words…but they can be.  How many of you can actually say, right now without pause, what being good for you means.  And I don’t mean what does “being good” mean? I mean what does “being good for you” mean?

Some ways to be good based on BDSM scripts I know (and sometimes like):

  • Only have orgasms when I allow it
  • Don’t masturbate without my permission
  • Clean the house while I watch
  • Kiss my feet
  • Call me ma’am as in “it’s raining ma’am”
  • Kneel at any provocation or without provocation
  • Take lots of pain for me

Some ways of being good that are actually uniquely meaningful to me:

  • Make sure I have a pulse on your emotional and physical state
  • Communicate honestly but also patiently (which means say it again when I totally fail to hear you the first time, I’m sorry, and I really want to hear)
  • Involve me in your orgasms by having them with me, or negotiating the timing of them with me, or sometimes having them when I tell you to and waiting when I ask you to
  • Clean the parts of the house I’d like cleaned while I’m somewhere else so I get to come home to it (shyly ask if you did it right causing me to melt a little on the inside when I look at the floor)
  • Get me the snack you know I like when you pass the spot that sells it
  • Kiss my feet
  • Call me ma’am but only as a deeply personal term of endearment – use it sparingly so it feels special.
  • Sit at my feet because I love having your head in my lap (and because I like imagining you as an expensive dog (Italian greyhound comes to mind))
  • Let me hurt you
  • But also let me use yoga stuff to change the way you breathe and consequently the way you experience your body
  • Only tease me a little for being so Californian
  • Be able to tell me how long it’s been since your last orgasm when I ask

Some of these overlap, some of these look the same but feel radically different, some of these look a lot like a good vanilla partner, but then, I described sex in which he was tied to the wall as “pretty vanilla” so maybe I’m wrong about that.

One thing that seems to be pretty core for me is “let me guide you through this difficult thing and hold you on the other side.” I like causing pain, for example, both because it’s scary and intense and hot, but also because I get to be the one who makes it better afterwards.  Similarly, I really adore some aspects of orgasm control that are very active (when I tell him to stop while he’s edging for example), but I also really love the idea of participating in that orgasm when he does get it eventually and making it something that’s luscious and lovely, and beyond that I like the more passive but ongoing parts (keyholding) that are basically us working towards a shared goal together.

And here’s another question the BDSM scene doesn’t think to ask: tops, how are you good for your submissive partners?


Written by kinkinexile

December 22, 2012 at 6:31 pm

One Response

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  1. “But also let me use yoga stuff to change the way you breathe and consequently the way you experience your body.”

    Love this. 🙂

    . . .

    I started thinking a little while ago about where the idea of “being good” for someone and being “good for” someone overlap. I have a hunch that when the ways of “being good” are more personally meaningful as in your second list, they overlap a lot. 🙂

    In that light, I think my answer to your first question (what “be good for me” means to me) is: Inspire me to be a better person.

    I’d like to hope that my answer to your final question would be roughly the same…

    . . .

    (P.S. Any sex in which there exists a *wall* to which it is possible to attach a person is not that vanilla. 😉 )


    December 27, 2012 at 2:14 am

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