Kink in exile

Notes from a kinky nomad

Stillness and fantasy

I am looking for a way to recapture something I lost when I decided to step away from the BDSM scene. It’s not something inherently related to kink, certainly not something community based, and yet it seems to have slipped away over the last few months. I didn’t realize this until I was listening to the Sex Nerd Sandra podcast over the weekend, listening to Jaiya talk about somatic experience, and slipped into that space in my own head. I slowed down, my voice changed, everything about the world was momentarily more lushes – and then, half an hour later, it was gone. Lost to some rush or minor frustration.

This sensuality is what’s missing from my world right now and from the way I approach sex. I feel…tired. Rough around the edges maybe. Mourning the loss of cultural home, sitting with the less than easy access to the sex I want, balancing my desires with my values…all of these stand in opposition to the sexual archetype I associate most closely with myself. That archetype is healing to others yes, but that healing can only come from a place of personal comfort and joy.


This morning I had some extra time and found myself entertaining a fantasy. In this fantasy I have a some sort of raw artsy suspended coffee table which can be easily unhooked to create a suspension rig for bondage which is equally unfinished in it’s artistic elements borrowing heavily from an industrial aesthetic. (As an aside, this is something I’ve wanted for a long time and the ability to make this sort of architectural/design decision is part of what I look for in my living spaces.) Anyway, back to fantasy…in this fantasy, one of my partners is visiting and for some reason we hadn’t seen each other in a long time – I know this because he hasn’t seen this piece of interior decorating before and because we are cautious with each-others bodies.

I ask him if he’d like to see something cool. He agrees, and I remove the coffee table piece of the design to reveal just the bondage use of the device (it has some sort of pulley thing too btw). Now he is very clearly excited, and hopeful, but too shy to ask for a hands-on demo – naturally I offer. And then, in my fantasy, I would tie him up very simply, maybe just a basic hip and chest harness that ties into the pulley system, but I do this slowly, easily…we’re relaxed, he’s patient and I’m confident and we take our times feeling each line of rope align with his skin. And as he gets suspended a couple feet above my living room floor I just caress him. There is nothing scary, violent, or dominant here – just gentle fingers tangled through hair/tracing collarbones and torso, reminders to breath and relax into the tension of ropes. And that’s it, then I imagine we’d have dinner and catch up on what we have done with our lives.  And there is no rush, no pressure to get it right or make it happen – just curiosity and comfort.

I want more stillness in my life.

Written by kinkinexile

January 29, 2013 at 6:47 pm

Posted in fiction, headspace, personal

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