Kink in exile

Notes from a kinky nomad

Why I’m holding out…

with one comment

Ok, this may be strange to post on Valentine’s day.  I’m not super into the holiday so it seems ok to me.  (Don’t worry, I said nice things to my lovers just to keep my bases covered and all :-p)

Anyway, I’ve spent a bunch of time recently thinking about what I wanted in a partner.  Do I want something long term at this point or do I want to focus on other things and enjoy both the sweetness and the distance of my current partners?  Do I want a career type or a stay at home husband type?  Should I make a list? Should I follow my aunt’s advice of you know he’s the one when he is nothing like your list and you love him and don’t care – if so, should I stop dating immediately as I’ve already found the one (more than)? Am I poly? If both of the people I love dearly dumped me tomorrow would I chose a poly relationship again?

In all this questioning one thing is clear: I want a partner who is submissive.

I don’t think there is anything else that is as clear cut as that in my thinking about what is important to me in a long term partner.  And frankly, if I were to have a one night stand at all it would pretty much have to be with someone who comes over to kiss my feet and allow me to beat him, or not at all.

Maybe this is unsurprising (this is a dominant woman blog after all) but the certainty of this, the finality of it, is inconvenient.  When my best friend and I talked about dating each other it came down to if he is not submissive, and he is not, then we have to be poly, and he was not.  And the sex we had was quite good…but topping is my refresh button.  If I don’t get to do it ever, we’re gonna start seeing some hiccups.

And those moments when you’re upset with your partner so you have to think about the things that they do that melt you…those are almost always bottomy things.  Or they are submissive things.  Sometimes they are silly things like how fucking wet I was after the first time I beat him and him sitting on the floor next to me at just the perfect height afterward so close to my crotch – and I never told him cause his girlfriend was there and I wasn’t sure what was allowed.  Or they are the sweet things or even the totally gross things like holding a tissue so my now ex could blow his nose while tied to a Saint Andrews cross.

And then, perhaps I should unpack it more, cause there are many ways of being submissive.  About half of it is in the sex for me, and in the orgasm control which is 1) Important(tm) and 2) only partially about sex.  And some of it is in sweet little texts that tell me what chores have been done, and in his willingness to call me ma’am.  And there my actual ability to unpack goes to hell because there is something more intuitive in submission that I can’t actually put on a list.  It’s that moment when he naturally sits down at my feet not because I asked him to.  Or it’s in his body language and how he flirts – he gets smaller, more cute around me rather than bigger as is often the norm.  It’s a fuck-ton of codified signals that I grok but can’t describe, and those are important too.

So anyway, I guess I was trying to think through why I’m so adamant about dating people who are submissive, but honestly, it shouldn’t be surprising just how big a deal this is, though it is, at times, inconvenient.

 

Written by kinkinexile

February 14, 2013 at 9:52 pm

Posted in headspace, personal

One Response

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  1. there is something more intuitive in submission that I can’t actually put on a list. It’s that moment when he naturally sits down at my feet not because I asked him to. Or it’s in his body language and how he flirts – he gets smaller, more cute around me rather than bigger as is often the norm. It’s a fuck-ton of codified signals that I grok but can’t describe, and those are important too.

    Yes! Those are the heartbreakingly perfect things about submission that I have such trouble explaining. It’s the shy little glances and the hesitation after he reaches out but before we touch, small things but for me they make the difference between just sex, where I feel predatory, and a relationship, where I feel protective or–it’s so hard to find words–like I can comfortably hold him close and say “mine” and know that’s good for us both.

    gingernic

    February 15, 2013 at 3:05 pm


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