Kink in exile

Notes from a kinky nomad

Orgasm control through trial and error: The Fitbit

For a number of reasons I’m having a hard evening and I’m having a particularly hard time engaging with kink.  If you’ve been reading, I suspect you can guess at most of what’s going on in my brain.  If you’re new, start here.  I was looking over my calendar, trying to figure out what I’m doing tomorrow, and I have a 7pm placeholder.  What for?  Why would I just put something labeled “placeholder” in my calendar?  It took a while, eventually I realized it was a placeholder for a BDSM singles (and poly/available) mixer I have no interest in actually going to.  You know what I think of the kink scene; going to kink events, even just to “go fishing,” feels disingenuous.

So I was gonna sit around and mope, but instead I decided to write about chastity and orgasm control cause that always cheers me up.  On Saturday I had a layover in an airport that had a Brookstone, which was exciting because they sold Lelo vibrators next to the iPad covers.  But it was even more exciting cause they sold Fitbits.  A Fitbit is basically a glorified pedometer that syncs to your mobile phone and tracks steps, calories, distance, etc.  I’ve been trying to find a meaningful to me way of getting more into Quantified Self and my old pedometer failed because it required active tracking on my part (no automatic syncing) so I figured why not.

Then I tweeted about wanting to tie my fitness goals into orgasm control by asking my pet to only have orgasms on days when I walk 10,000 steps or more.  This sparked a bit of a conversation along the lines of wouldn’t this cause resentment when he didn’t get to have orgasms because I was lazy.  Fair point…but wrong context?

There are a couple underlying assumptions that I make and a little bit of background:

1) I kink on orgasm control really hard, the pet I was thinking of in the tweet does too, so when I was thinking about tying my fitness goal to his orgasm I was thinking about something that is a win-win/positive sum game.  If orgasm control is already hard/not something you enjoy but you are willing to do it with a partner who has conscious control because control is hot, I can see how this misses the mark.

2) The exciting thing here is that my achieving my goals rewards him.  A more traditional setup would be for me to put a fitbit on him and link his steps to his orgasms but that’s not interesting for me.  It’s not interesting for several reasons: he probably walks more than 4 miles/day already, and I actively dislike the idea of topping someone into things they should do (for their health).  Topping people into doing what they should do feels like mothering; conversely, I like dating responsible, self-reliant and self-motivating adults.

So, why is this so damn hot when it’s my goals and his orgasms?

1) Positive social pressure.  I know it’s very undomly of me to say, but most of the time, I want him to enjoy his body.  When I specifically want him to wait, or be horny, or be frustrated I want to be there/know about it/participate actively and drive this thing.  By default, I like my pet and want him to be happy so knowing he gets something nice when I walk more is enough to bump me over the goal mark from say ~8000 steps when I’m not trying to 10,000.  I also like the idea of giving him a reason to encourage me and finding a way for me to be meaningfully engaged in his orgasms in a way that fits our lives.

2) Ok, ok, I might be imagining how utterly hot it would be for him to be all horny and wanty and the fact that he’d probably blush while saying something about “um, how about going for a walk after dinner?”

3) Topping is hard work, defaults make life easier.  It’s why your computer has default settings, it’s why you likely have default clothes for particular frequent situations like work, and while unsexy it might make orgasm control more sustainable.  The thing I utterly adore about the idea of orgasm control is that I get to own a piece of his experience of the world.  And it’s a piece I care about, unlike, say, what color socks he wears or how far he walks – this is why I want orgasm control not high protocol D/s.  Anyway, taking active control of someone else’s orgasms requires active attention, which while I can certainly agree he deserves, I can’t offer 24/7.  Creating a framework within which there exist established defaults makes this type of play feel more sustainable.  Creating systems by which I am looped into his orgasms as actively or as passively as I have time for gives me a springboard for taking in-the-moment control.

3.2) Defaults are subject to manual override (or why our robot overlords won’t kill us all). Just because I walked 10,000 steps doesn’t mean he gets an orgasm, just because I haven’t doesn’t mean I have to go for a jog before we have sex.  Human centered systems require flexibility and “best judgment” over absolutes and rules.

4) I count wins as a team.  Actually, I count wins as some sort of strange 3-legged relay race because I have multiple partners that all impact me in distinctly different but interconnected ways.  But to make this easier, lets just say I count wins as a team, and to drill that home, when I meet my goals you get the reward.  Because rewarding myself (extrinsic reward) loses it’s appeal very very quickly, while working for someone else’s reward feels intrinsically good.  (And is more sustainable from a behavioral science standpoint.)

4.2) What if we count wins as a team? Remember that orgasm control requires his compliance, and I’ve ruled out punishment/enforcement scenarios (they aren’t really hot for me where as *wanting to be good* is earth-shatteringly hot).  So imagine if you will that he wants to be good for me, would knowing that his compliance with this fitness-orgasm link motivates me to walk more and keeps me engaged with wearing the fitbit/tracking my steps to meet my goals help him avoid “not allowed” orgasms in the same way it helps me walk more?

I think what makes this really hot is that it’s a loop – we both have to actively engage in order for it to work.  In this currently all fantasy scenario:

  • I wear the fitbit and am motivated by wanting to create opportunities for orgasms to walk more.
  • He refrains from orgasms on days when I haven’t met my goal and is motivated by the fact that this helps me meet my goals to comply with the orgasm-fitness link.
  • I’m aware of his compliance and have a reason to keep tracking my steps and so on…

Anyway, that’s what’s been on my mind of late, and if you’d care to play along, you’ll probably be seeing fitbit updates on my twitter stream 😉



Written by kinkinexile

February 18, 2013 at 8:07 pm

Posted in Orgasm Control

2 Responses

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  1. Point 3.2 seems crucial but the wording here is slightly different than the wording that made the most sense to me, on Twitter: “permission, not requirement.” Although even that’s a bit askew and I’m having trouble articulating exactly why I think so, although “permission is the wrong word” has a lot to do with why it isn’t quite right.

    I think this just boils down to, if you do meet goal X, then outcome Y becomes possible, but perhaps not required by anyone? I.e., if you walk 10,000 steps he has the possibility to orgasm, but isn’t required to. So, maybe permission and instruction are both “wrong” words (for a “sustainable” model here—those may very well still be fun D/s drag sometimes). Maybe possibility is an alternative word to try out? Linguistically, this might sound like a shit from, “he has permission to orgasm,” to “orgasming is possible for him.”

    (Somewhere in all this there’s a blog post about how semantics relates to relationships; permission to instruction to possibility seems akin to a thesis/antithesis/synthesis approach to many problem domains, not just orgasm control….)

    Annnnnd now I’m just rambling. It’s time for sleep.


    February 19, 2013 at 1:23 am

    • Oh hey, good point, maymay. I think I mention at the very end of this post “opportunities for orgasms” but I could have been more explicit about this. And maybe it’s not even “permission not requirement” it’s “opportunity not requirement” because as I talked about in Permission is the Wrong Word, giving permission is a responsive move on my part where as creating an opportunity can be an active move that feels more dominant or driven/wanted by me.

      While I agree that “you must have an orgasm” is really hot D/s drag and fantasy fodder it’s not the sort of hands off and easily sustained power imbalance I was thinking about in this post. My curiosity though is: while I feel a thread of power and connectivity through this sort of default setting power imbalance would that translate into my partner feeling controlled, or is that controlled/directed feeling something which needs to be more active? I suspect that varies person to person.


      February 19, 2013 at 8:58 am

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