Kink in exile

Notes from a kinky nomad

Orgasm control through trial, error, and data

My partner, one of them, tracks his orgasms.  Actually he tracks edges, orgasms, and a couple other things.  He does this for a number or reasons, perhaps the most obvious that comes to mind is that I asked him to.

I first asked him to do this back in October, and he started tracking in November of last year.  I should say, he started tracking for me in Nov, he’s tracked for his own interest on and off for much longer.  Then we fell off the bandwagon for a couple of months while a lot of his orgasms and edges were in physical proximity to me and it turns out I am actually really bad at tracking things.  Then, last month, fueled by my new obsession with the quantified self movement, I asked him to start tracking again.

Why track orgasms?

Well, “you can’t change what you don’t track” is a truism usually thrown around in Business 101, but as we both get off on orgasm control, I’m just gonna roll with it here too.  Really understanding how his sexual response cycle works over time, looking at various factors that might impact it, and getting a feel for his “normal” lets me fuck shit up with greater precision.

Lets say I was gonna make a rule about how often he’s allowed to have an orgasm.  Let’s say I was gonna say once a week…Well, I know at least one person for whom that would be extremely challenging, that person would not be my partner.  By watching his orgasm patterns over time I have a much more intuitive understanding of the easy -> moderate -> challenging ask scale.  Oh but wait…

Observer effect

As soon as I asked him to start writing down, in a place I could easily access, all of his orgasms and edges he started having more orgasms (and fewer edges) than I expect.  Weird right?  Actually it correlates with something he’s told me before about orgasm control fantasies being soooo hot that those are the ones that actually lead to orgasms not edges for him.  Awesome, so with that in mind, and with this shiny graph I’m making that is going to tell me how long this initial peak lasts, I can make a few guesses.  I can guess at what a reasonable ask is for him based on how acclimated to play he is right now.  A reasonable ask isn’t just not too hard, it’s also not too easy.  Lets say, and this is just a guess, that he has a lot of orgasms when he firsts starts recording and then it peters off in a week or two.  I can then expect that when I first ask him to do something in this realm, like not to have orgasms, it’ll be really hard balanced with new and interesting, but as he settles into it, he can refocus on other things*.  This isn’t shocking news.  In fact I think I wrote about this wearing off of urgency before, but is it helpful for me to remember when designing asks?  Yes.  And it’s also something that can enter the “I know this is hard and I expected this to be hard for you but what you’re doing is making me happy” conversation.

There’s another thing that is really important here, and that is that the observer effect is really real.  Writing down his orgasms changes his sexual drive based on the data I have at hand.  And it’s not a problem.  I thought it was, but it’s not.  The thing that matters here is that it is consistent.  As long as he always records his orgasms and edges there will be a consistent level of this kind of noise, which means I can actually introduce variables and see how they impact his sexual response patterns later compared to this recorded baseline.  More importantly, this is why I want him to record this for me regardless of if we are actively playing or not.  Data that is complete over a longish time period means I will actually start seeing natural peaks and valleys.  If he only recorded when we were playing we’d always have this “oh orgasm control is hot” shock every couple of months as we restart recording at the same time that we’re looking at hot orgasm control porn together.

So what am I hoping to learn?

First off, the tracking part actually really turns me on, so to some degree, I’m justifying, retroactively, data collection I want to do for it’s own sake. #overlyhonestresearchmethods

That said, there’s also a few things I want to know more about. I want to know, for example, what happens just before he gets really horny so I could replicate it. I want to know how long he typically stays horny so that if he doesn’t want to have sex, I can make a guess at natural valley or external stress. And I want to know what the optimal conditions for him to be horny look like because a huge part of the active appeal  of orgasm control for me is seeing him horny and listening to him beg – so how do I maximize that?

Of course pretty graphs aren’t enough

Tracking my partner’s orgasms is hot because it’s a shared project. The patterns become meaningful because we can talk about them and because he gives me enough information to put the dots together. I have shared orgasm control fantasies with this person for years, and we’d been actively playing with this together for at least a year before doing this sort of data tracking made sense.

* I mentioned one not unexpected thing I learned (confirmed?) through this exercise – initiating anything in this realm comes with an initial interest spike.  But here are some other things I’m starting to pull apart:

  • He expresses sexuality on multiple channels (I could look at the log or I can take a look at a semi-private porn stash he curates, or I can look at themes in our communication via IM or email)
  • Asking him specifically to have orgasms or edges is a much bigger challenge than asking him not too, or rather, it’s a much bigger ask and big asks require more hospitable contexts
  • Because I really like the fact that he is tracking stuff *for me* I generally want to acknowledge log entries as “you did the thing I asked for correctly, good boy” (which sounds more like “saw the entry, thanks.”) I am trying not to comment on every entry for various reasons involving popular theories in behavioral science.
  • Slightly surprising is that while not actively traveling or managing travel logistics seems to be important for moments when he’s horny, work doesn’t seem to get in the way as I’d previously thought.

So that’s that.  I’m keeping the graphs private, but I’m having fun digging in 🙂

Written by kinkinexile

March 7, 2013 at 7:57 pm

3 Responses

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  1. I get excited about graphs. And orgasm control is pretty interesting. And combining them manages to simultaneously excite my geeky side and my sexy side. Haha, I like this idea… 🙂

    Sonjafly

    March 7, 2013 at 9:19 pm

  2. If you two are using an internet-based solution to share the data and graphs, would you please share what service you are using? I have a similar interest.

    Alan Gay

    March 8, 2013 at 2:02 pm

    • Alan, we had actually considered making a custom built app for this, but I am of the “fail early, fail often, fail cheap” school of thought and found that trying to building something was fun fantasy fodder but didn’t get prioritized. Instead I asked him to track in the easiest way possible, which turned out to be a google doc that has a column for orgasm/edge/something else I should know about, an auto-populating time-stamp column, and optional notes field. (I would have also been comfortable with him texting me or just about any other real time flag.)

      For my orgasms I use the app associated with my Fitbit and log it as “knitting.” (Fitbit doesn’t offer “sex” as an activity.) Date and time is populated in the app and I don’t tend to have sexual events that don’t involve orgasms so I haven’t had to add new categories.

      It’s not an overwhelming amount of data to crunch, and I like to visualize small data sets rather than just play math games so I dump it into a Keynote graph every couple of weeks because that’s the fastest thing I can find to go from raw data to pretty image. You might also consider http://visual.ly/

      In short, don’t over think the tech because behavioral adherence is the actually hard part. I am really hoping to get 3 months of solid, uninterrupted, data and people aren’t very good at recording things especially in the moment. If he (and I) actually do the record keeping I’ll crunch the data in whatever format it shows up in 🙂

      kinkinexile

      March 9, 2013 at 12:12 am


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