Kink in exile

Notes from a kinky nomad

Still alive

Oh hey, it’s been a while since I updated and I was missing this space.  It’s been an interesting couple of weeks much of which I spent on the East Coast getting snowed on.  Currently on my mind:

The nature of privacy, still.  The first time I used a proxy server was not for privacy, but for utility.  I was living in a country that censored a good deal of western media and everyone used them to, basically, access cat videos on youtube.  I don’t think it occurred to me that I was circumventing a government at the time, I just really wanted my cat video, so, proxy it was.  Recently I’ve been thinking about my internet traffic in more privacy centered terms, and, while it’s convinced me that Tor is freaking awesome and should be a thing that happens in the world (and while I might use it more to normalize its use) I’m still thinking about all the various ways people get fingerprinted.  Do you email the same people over and over?  Do you visit the same venue or type of venue? Do you purchase a specific category of things online frequently?  Bonus points if it’s something unique like vintage coins previously owned by US senators.  Did you use Tor to log into Google and then search for something?  Did you carefully not log into Google or Facebook but then searched for bars that have pinball machines in a specific town? Anyway, I guess all I’m saying is that it’s a hard freaking problem and I keep feeling like I’m plugging holes in a sinking ship.  I definitely want to keep plugging those holes, but I sorta want to aim for dry land as well.

Life in general.  2013 started off sort of strange and it might be sorta finding its theme.  I’m not sure I like this theme, so I am reframing it as getting grounded in the things I want, the things I need, and the things I need to break free of. Mostly this is a moment of shifting my vision from “next month” to “next 6-9 months.”  Right now, this looks a lot like: “OMG!Panic!” “Wait, no, doesn’t matter right now, check back in a month.” Which is to say, conscious competence.  I feel really grounded and happy with a…well not a clear direction actually but a clear sense of what I want isn’t direction it’s openness, but then whenever something comes up I have to remind myself that no, really, it’s not a big deal/it fits like *this*.

Connectedness.  I got to spend time with some awesome people while I was out east.  Some of them I’ve known for close to a decade, others were new to me, but important to people I cared for.  It was nice in that sense to see that mirror of my past and to unpack some of that mythology.  One of those new-to-me people found every point of tension in my body, poked hard enough to leave bruises (but also to break the muscles out of their habitual strain) and then got angry in that way only energy workers who found the tension you’re hiding get – “Let it go.  That thing you think you can’t have, you can have it now fucking let it go!” It was…educational.

Oh, and then I got some of that thing I thought I couldn’t have.  It didn’t come from where I thought it would (ah, yes, the universe has a sense of humor!) but it was nice to be reminded of the fact that it is in the world and I can access it.  And it was even sweeter to know that it is still a thing I can offer to others.

So now I am thinking about holding space and bearing witness.  About the role that healing of all sorts has played in the sex I’ve had (and want to have in the future).  About how sometimes the most earth shattering thing you can do is facilitate the thing that feels inaccessible…and much as I savor doing that for others, apparently I needed that done for me.


Written by kinkinexile

March 24, 2013 at 11:52 pm

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