Kink in exile

Notes from a kinky nomad

Feasibility

On a very personal level, spending time with other people who had similar desires as I did helped to legitimize my own thoughts and fantasies

I am pilfering.  I am pilfering shamelessly and entirely out of context, because I just realized something cool happened today: I explained to someone how I didn’t want to deal with the BDSM scene, how the community aspects, the political aspects of it, were deeply unpleasant to me…and I felt heard.  Really heard, for maybe the first time, with openness and empathy.  Without “but how are you going to find partners” or “some groups are ok.”  Without the unrelenting “but this is the only place I/you/we can be accepted,” my sense of I don’t want to do this anymore and I want to be ok with that became…normal, feasible even.

But this thing I am pilfering, it’s important.  It’s important because having examples of the things I want existing in the world is so very important.  Examples let us shape the experiences we fantasize about, they give us language to negotiate these fantasies with others, they normalize what we want.  So what if I don’t have examples of what I want?

“A desire that cannot be named or described is a desire that cannot be valued, acted upon, or used as the basis for an identity.”

Pat Califia in the introduction to Public Sex

You see, examples of what I want are hard to get because what I want is the sex I want with the people I love behind closed doors.  I want a power imbalance in my relationships that is personal and intimate.  I want it to be between my partners and I.  I definitely don’t want to negotiate my relationships with complete strangers.  I don’t want to play in public even though there’s a behavioral science voice in my head that’s all like “but third places and sacred places change how you related to yourself and others…” And you know what, I actually do want sex to be a sacred healing thing in my life (but not the only sacred healing thing in my life).  I want to have the kind of sex that shifts my world not in “ooh yummy” ways but in challenging, emotional, sometimes scary ways – this is why BDSM has historically been more bonding for me than intercourse.  I would also like to have ownership over this, and to have access to it, that is decoupled from the BDSM scene, which has been on my radar far more often for rape and abuse of late than for world-changing pair bonding experiences.

Seeing examples of, well, anything that happens behind closed doors is fundamentally hard.  So while I know that there are people out there having amazing kinky sex without being part of the BDSM scene, I don’t have all that many examples.  I don’t have the experience of my desires, my fantasies, being validated.

So fuck this shit.  I’m a child of the internet, I know I’m not alone, the reason I’m writing this is because I just realized it’s important for you to know you’re not alone.  By which I mean, if I don’t get the example I want, I’ll build it, but I want the next person to have something to link to.

I am not the first to break up with the BDSM scene.  You will not be the last, so find the words for the things you really deeply want, and then share those word so we can expand the vocabulary of what is possible.

Written by kinkinexile

April 14, 2013 at 1:27 am

Posted in community, personal

3 Responses

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  1. Reblogged this on FISTFELT and commented:
    Perf.

    I was never in a relationship with the BDSM scene, so I never “broke up” with it. I flirted once, I admired from afar, but I wound up seeing it’s ugly sides pretty quickly and realized that even the good parts weren’t for me.

    I never looked for partners in the scene. I never went looking for partners at all, actually, and my husband only stumbled upon me by chance. I have no interest in doing anything with anyone else, I have no interest in being a voyeur. I have no need for demos and workshops. I have no need to make friends in the scene for the sake of having friends in the scene. (I’m much more about having friends for the sake of having friends, to be honest, regardless of what they do in bed or who they’re dating.)

    Anyways, I like this idea and am curious to see where it goes. See how connections can be made by people who have no use for public shows of kink.

    L

    April 14, 2013 at 10:30 am

  2. Yup. That’s why I read what people choose to share about those experiences, too. Also why I choose to share that part of my own experience. In fact, I think the most important pieces I’ve written are about sexual experiences I’ve had that changed me.

    All of them happened in private.

    Lily

    April 14, 2013 at 1:12 pm

  3. I explained to someone how I didn’t want to deal with the BDSM scene, how the community aspects, the political aspects of it, were deeply unpleasant to me…and I felt heard. Really heard, for maybe the first time, with openness and empathy. Without “but how are you going to find partners” or “some groups are ok.” Without the unrelenting “but this is the only place I/you/we can be accepted,” my sense of I don’t want to do this anymore and I want to be ok with that became…normal, feasible even.

    Yay for finding someone to hear you and not make you run the obstacle course of objections! My only question is, why is this hard to find? It seems just as insane to say “but you need the scene to do kinky things!” as it does to say “but you need restaurants to eat food!” Sure, restaurants are an option, but you have so much more control and freedom over every aspect of the experience at home, and anyone who only eats out probably has some issues.

    Bringing up objections when you say how you feel and what you want seems completely inappropriate, somewhere between ostracizing and coercive. How are you going to find partners? The same way the rest of the world does, I imagine: by meeting people and forming a rapport. Some groups are okay (translated: some people have generally positive experiences with some groups)? All right, that’s lovely for them, but how is that relevant exactly? If I were to explain to a friend that I’m Jewish but don’t feel comfortable in organized places of worship, a response of “but my synagogue is great!” is just going to tell me she wasn’t listening or interested in talking about the original point at all. As for acceptance, people find it in the strangest places, and fail to find it in expected ones.

    gingernic

    April 17, 2013 at 11:20 am


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