Kink in exile

Notes from a kinky nomad

Another year around the sun

They say your 30s is when you do your 20s right. I think they’re right, either that or your 30s is a magical space where due to a confluence of personal development and societal shift you end up with many of the benefits of adulthood (independence, financial stability, autonomy) without all of the responsibilities of family life/children/mortgage debt/etc. Of course I live in a bubble, many people have debt and children by age 30, but this blogpost happens to be about me.

So, 30s. Actually late 20s, not late as in my 3rd annual 29th birthday party, but late as in yeah, I can see why some would do that.

Something happened in the last few months. It’s been building for years, I remember 3 years ago I was at a party in my hometown talking to someone I’d known since college “you’re different,” he stated…I remember it was a matter of fact statement. “How?” “You’re confident.”

Confidence is the thing that happened. In a multitude of little ways I grew into my own skin. It’s taken years (almost 30 of them) but the last few months have felt like a toggle. As though someone came by and turned off the sense of urgency switch in my brain.

I don’t even know how to explain it, it’s as though nothing is an emergency anymore. I think I noticed the change in May, about a month after I’d gone through a breakup that made me sad and had the usual stages of grief but ultimately just wasn’t an emergency. It wasn’t a testament to my being unlovable or not pretty enough, it didn’t mean I was bad at being a partner, it just meant this wasn’t the right relationship for us right now, so it was sad but also right.

And then my best friend and I had some really really freaking personal conversations. Good but hard ones, and you know, in the past I’d expect to be worried and pining and really adrenalized over this. But I wasn’t. In fact I remember telling another friend about it and adding that I’ll just wait 6 months and probably it would have sorted itself out by then.

I sent my best friend a note letting him know I was gonna take some space after that talk, probably 3 or 4 days but that we’re fine. He replied asking me to promise that we’re still close, which I did with no reservations. All in all, it was the most rational “where is this relationship going” conversation I’d ever experienced. What made it rational wasn’t facts and figures, it was that I had the utmost confidence in him, in myself, and in our friendship. We can do hard things without being threatened because we earned that individually and through the relationship we built.

Also: knowing what I want and being in it for the long haul, if its not confidence that’s new then it must be this. I don’t know how I know, I just know. And I am also shockingly comfortable with the idea that something new and unexpected might come along and be right. I know that I have location crushes all the time (in the last 18 months I’ve considered living in Seattle, Munich, and New Mexico) but more importantly, I also know that I actually only want to live in Boston and San Francisco. I know that while its really inconvenient as a requirement, submission is something I want in a partner, and I know that there’s a bunch of other stuff I just don’t care about (we have to only eat vegetarian kosher food in the house which is btw located in Munich, ok, we can figure it out). I want what happens when you build something with care and intention. I want the community that’s about the barns you raise. Just because you want something to grow organically, and I’m sometimes a fan of this, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t, y’know, water it.

I said earlier that my best friend and I earned the right to do hard shit without feeling threatened, that’s what in it for the long haul looks like to me – we spent enough time making space for each other, showing up with soup, learning when to press a point and when to say “I’d rather like you than win this argument,” that when shit happens, real shit we actually have to talk about, we trust each other. And we know how to talk to each other. I used to tell people to practice communicating about sex early and often because when you have a hiccup is not when you want to have to learn how to communicate too; this is equally true for platonic relationships.

So anyway, it’s been a trip and I’m excited to see what’s around the corner. In the mean time, I hope this trend continues and I’d like to get better at being present, letting the future evolve without too much worry in its direction, and rewriting my first response to frustrating situations to be empathy not anger.

Written by kinkinexile

July 20, 2013 at 6:09 pm

One Response

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  1. I love this post. I don’t really have anything to say about it except that it made me smile *smile* <= see?!

    Ferns

    Ferns

    July 21, 2013 at 3:05 am


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