So I read this thing, which actually sounds like a lot of other things I read, and like a lot of things I read it positions the sex the writer enjoys having as “SO MUCH KINKIER” than the sex I enjoy having. And each time I read something about X being kinkier or queerer, or generally all around nicer than Y, I have two reactions. The first gut reaction is one of, hmm, not anger, defensiveness perhaps? “My sex is kinky enough thank you very much” defensiveness. Or if I’m in the so much more group, a reaction of “don’t use me as your banner, person who doesn’t know me.” It’s a gut reaction.
The second, the brain reaction, is twofold: 1) you have just defined More Kinky(tm) as the goal state or more desirable state, why? Is being kinky is personally important to you? Basically, it’s a reaction of “you seem hurt by this game, why are you trying to win by the rules that are hurting you?” And 2) Meh, other people’s gradations of how kinky something is doesn’t matter. I’m not sleeping with them, they can be the most kinky, or the least kinky, or the differently kinky, it’s cool. Ok, also 3) Huh that got my hackles up, I wonder if I have more identity tied in with kink than I’d like to? Probably. This caught me, sorta like a rough nail on fabric, not anything particular, just noticing my own reaction.
It made me think of readers who might feel that way, and what I want to say to that is: have the sex you want with the people you love. Revel in the joy of it and in that coming home feeling of being seen in your entirety whatever that means for you. Don’t apologize for the sex you do or don’t want to have, in fact, if you’re a woman, take stock of how often you apologize for existing in the world, you might be surprised. If it’s important to you to be So Much Kinkier, then you are that. But when you get there, ask yourself why that’s important and what gatekeeper told you you weren’t kinky enough. Be what you need to be, but don’t become the gatekeeper – that way lies madness (and the status quo).
EDIT: Actually, wait, someone went out of their way to write about the sex that is fulfilling and exciting to them. Yay. May it be everything they want and need it to be; hot, loving, radical, or whatever rings true to the people involved.