Kink in exile

Notes from a kinky nomad

Archive for the ‘fun stuff’ Category

Because I feel like this bears saying

Be kind.  Be kind to yourselves and to each other because there are plenty of people who will be unkind.  Spend that extra afternoon with a friend who has had a hard year.  Listen.  Listen past people’s anger and find the root of their pain and then find compassion for that.  Or if their anger upsets you, walk away.  Know that their anger isn’t about you, it lives entirely within them as your anger lives within you.

Most of all, have compassion for yourself and know that there will be better days.

And if this hippie massive contributed to your feelings of depression, email me, I will make you cookies :-p

Written by kinkinexile

November 21, 2013 at 6:43 pm

Fluttering thoughts

Hi world, it’s been a while.  I’ve been really digging Pagan-house recently.  Awesome to see a non-porn-ish D/s blog on the Internet.  I also wrote some porn, and got some nice comments, and then had to find a way to politely explain that if I’m not dating you, the hardness of your cock doesn’t impact me (so please don’t update me on it).

I’ve been traveling, and fell off the bandwagon with regard to my yoga practice, which makes me feel unbalanced and craving brain-shifting experiences.  Some of these look like mediation, but because I saw a thing about flesh-hook suspension last week, I am also craving piercing.  And that’s problematic, since I don’t think I know anyone who does play piercing anymore.  And not like a big scary “I’m gonna hurt you” thing but as a “hey, help me tap into my brain’s wealth of self-induced pharmacology.”

And on another track, I’ve been chatting with a friend who likes gender-flipped misogyny as much as I do.  But I also find it…complicated…how easily I can come up with “don’t worry your pretty little head” comments.  Things that said to a woman would be beyond the pale in their promotion of rape culture and gender inequality but when said to a man…well, it’s fucking hot.  It would be easier if I could convince myself that somehow gender flipping is counter culture, and counter culture is radical and liberatory, but 1) I know that’s not true and 2) meh, fantasies are complex things, sometimes you fantasize about things you’d fight very hard against in real life – that’s just the way of things.

And this post was interrupted by two pick up artists sitting down next to me.  That was adorable, but the guy blushed when I called him 🙂

Written by kinkinexile

September 26, 2013 at 6:17 pm

Rules rules rules

Last night I was reading some blogs and came across Not Just Bitchy’s No Wrong Way to Do Kink.  Yes, I’m sure regular readers are now thinking, “oh no, a long rant about all the wrong ways to do kink!” But no, I need a break, so instead I wanted to talk about point 5:

5. Giving up control or giving out rules before your partner has earned it. It’s great to have a new sub who says he’ll do whatever you say and is excited about being given new rules, but what’s going to happen when he has to actually live with all those rules? Or when you have to remember all of them and catch it if he messes up? I don’t actually have a huge amount of experience with d/s, but I’m pretty sure that’s more likely to be overwhelming and a huge pain in the ass than fun and satisfying.

I love this because rules – how to make them, what happens when they’re broken, etc – is something I spend a lot of time thinking about.  I love rules.  I love having a question and being able to find a policy about it – I enjoy tax season! – but more importantly for this post, I kink on rules.  I like making arbitrary-seeming proclamations and having you obey them because we both get off on it.  It’s hot.  But it’s bedroom hot – like the pirate thing, I’m not a pirate when I’m at work, and obviously you don’t have to kneel, naked, at all times at work.

But rules are also hard.  When I make an arbitrary proclamation, I trust you to go along with it and engage in shared story telling with me.  And I trust you to indicate to me that a rule is hitting a boundary when that happens, also.   I balance the hotness of a rule against the practicality and against my willingness or ability to enforce it.

Take for example one of my long-time fantasies: to know every single time you’re aroused and to know what you fantasize about while you masturbate (with my permission).  It’s like NSA meets alien mind probe but more hot and less civil rights violation across the land.  It’s hot because it’s exposing and I love the idea of you exposed, of having that much access, and of the fact that, yeah, that’s probably going to be slightly embarrassing for most people.

Now imagine I’m at work and I’m in the middle of a client meeting, and my phone buzzes with a notification that you’re fantasizing about being molested by alien tentacle monsters at my command.  That’s not hot, that’s distracting.  Maybe you think it’s hot, and in fantasy land it is, but in reality I’d be annoyed.  So that’s a great bedroom rule, but not a reasonable real rule.

Then there are other people’s rules: you can only wear socks in my favorite color.  Sure, ok, if you kink on that, but…why?  I like making arbitrary rules, but only about things I care about…your orgasms for example, or how you share information with me.  If I hate your socks, I’d tell you I suppose, but I simply can’t imagine caring.  And then I’d have to keep track.  There’d be a spreadsheet on my computer labeled “Rules, do not forget” where I would dutifully record the date, the proclamation on socks, and your response.  Neat little columns.  What happens when you wear the wrong sock color? Do you lose socks for the week?  Have to wear extra socks? Are there naughty boy socks one can buy at specialty shops?

I think I wanted to write something about building rules and responses to them together, about kink as shared creation, and about how we communicate subtly and overtly, but you know what?  Tentacle monsters.  I’ll be in my bunk.

Written by kinkinexile

August 20, 2013 at 10:35 pm

Exhausted and shameless

I’m in California but there’s no denying jetlag, my body is firmly planted on Eastern time.  I’m groggy and disoriented, still.  I’ve given up readjusting since I’m just going to fly again in a week.  And regardless of either timezone, I’m still working.  It’s just after 8pm, so actually, I’m taking a break.

Also, I have a crush.  Because limerence is a sort of insanity, I am partially alarmed and partially delighted.  Alarmed because I continuously have logistically improbable crushes and because, well, limerence is insanity.  Delighted because crushes feel good.

Anyway, the shameless part…I was fooling around with, um, a new friend, over the holiday and at somepoint he asked for an orgasm.  Now, I really like begging so I said no.  And then I said no a couple more times until at one point I sort of realized that I was doing so with absolutely no compunction.  At this point I decided that I was maybe lacking in that internalized guilt which other people use to mediate their scenes and called a time-out for “wait, have I crossed the hot mean to bad person mean line?” Someday I’m going to wreak havoc on some unsuspecting boy, in the mean time I’m gonna consider this inconvenient crush, make myself another strawberry peppercorn soda, and get back to work.

Written by kinkinexile

July 8, 2013 at 8:41 pm

Orgasm control through trial, error, and data

My partner, one of them, tracks his orgasms.  Actually he tracks edges, orgasms, and a couple other things.  He does this for a number or reasons, perhaps the most obvious that comes to mind is that I asked him to.

I first asked him to do this back in October, and he started tracking in November of last year.  I should say, he started tracking for me in Nov, he’s tracked for his own interest on and off for much longer.  Then we fell off the bandwagon for a couple of months while a lot of his orgasms and edges were in physical proximity to me and it turns out I am actually really bad at tracking things.  Then, last month, fueled by my new obsession with the quantified self movement, I asked him to start tracking again.

Why track orgasms?

Well, “you can’t change what you don’t track” is a truism usually thrown around in Business 101, but as we both get off on orgasm control, I’m just gonna roll with it here too.  Really understanding how his sexual response cycle works over time, looking at various factors that might impact it, and getting a feel for his “normal” lets me fuck shit up with greater precision.

Lets say I was gonna make a rule about how often he’s allowed to have an orgasm.  Let’s say I was gonna say once a week…Well, I know at least one person for whom that would be extremely challenging, that person would not be my partner.  By watching his orgasm patterns over time I have a much more intuitive understanding of the easy -> moderate -> challenging ask scale.  Oh but wait…

Observer effect

As soon as I asked him to start writing down, in a place I could easily access, all of his orgasms and edges he started having more orgasms (and fewer edges) than I expect.  Weird right?  Actually it correlates with something he’s told me before about orgasm control fantasies being soooo hot that those are the ones that actually lead to orgasms not edges for him.  Awesome, so with that in mind, and with this shiny graph I’m making that is going to tell me how long this initial peak lasts, I can make a few guesses.  I can guess at what a reasonable ask is for him based on how acclimated to play he is right now.  A reasonable ask isn’t just not too hard, it’s also not too easy.  Lets say, and this is just a guess, that he has a lot of orgasms when he firsts starts recording and then it peters off in a week or two.  I can then expect that when I first ask him to do something in this realm, like not to have orgasms, it’ll be really hard balanced with new and interesting, but as he settles into it, he can refocus on other things*.  This isn’t shocking news.  In fact I think I wrote about this wearing off of urgency before, but is it helpful for me to remember when designing asks?  Yes.  And it’s also something that can enter the “I know this is hard and I expected this to be hard for you but what you’re doing is making me happy” conversation.

There’s another thing that is really important here, and that is that the observer effect is really real.  Writing down his orgasms changes his sexual drive based on the data I have at hand.  And it’s not a problem.  I thought it was, but it’s not.  The thing that matters here is that it is consistent.  As long as he always records his orgasms and edges there will be a consistent level of this kind of noise, which means I can actually introduce variables and see how they impact his sexual response patterns later compared to this recorded baseline.  More importantly, this is why I want him to record this for me regardless of if we are actively playing or not.  Data that is complete over a longish time period means I will actually start seeing natural peaks and valleys.  If he only recorded when we were playing we’d always have this “oh orgasm control is hot” shock every couple of months as we restart recording at the same time that we’re looking at hot orgasm control porn together.

So what am I hoping to learn?

First off, the tracking part actually really turns me on, so to some degree, I’m justifying, retroactively, data collection I want to do for it’s own sake. #overlyhonestresearchmethods

That said, there’s also a few things I want to know more about. I want to know, for example, what happens just before he gets really horny so I could replicate it. I want to know how long he typically stays horny so that if he doesn’t want to have sex, I can make a guess at natural valley or external stress. And I want to know what the optimal conditions for him to be horny look like because a huge part of the active appeal  of orgasm control for me is seeing him horny and listening to him beg – so how do I maximize that?

Of course pretty graphs aren’t enough

Tracking my partner’s orgasms is hot because it’s a shared project. The patterns become meaningful because we can talk about them and because he gives me enough information to put the dots together. I have shared orgasm control fantasies with this person for years, and we’d been actively playing with this together for at least a year before doing this sort of data tracking made sense.

* I mentioned one not unexpected thing I learned (confirmed?) through this exercise – initiating anything in this realm comes with an initial interest spike.  But here are some other things I’m starting to pull apart:

  • He expresses sexuality on multiple channels (I could look at the log or I can take a look at a semi-private porn stash he curates, or I can look at themes in our communication via IM or email)
  • Asking him specifically to have orgasms or edges is a much bigger challenge than asking him not too, or rather, it’s a much bigger ask and big asks require more hospitable contexts
  • Because I really like the fact that he is tracking stuff *for me* I generally want to acknowledge log entries as “you did the thing I asked for correctly, good boy” (which sounds more like “saw the entry, thanks.”) I am trying not to comment on every entry for various reasons involving popular theories in behavioral science.
  • Slightly surprising is that while not actively traveling or managing travel logistics seems to be important for moments when he’s horny, work doesn’t seem to get in the way as I’d previously thought.

So that’s that.  I’m keeping the graphs private, but I’m having fun digging in 🙂

Written by kinkinexile

March 7, 2013 at 7:57 pm

Hello new year!

Well hello there 2013.  We’re 7 days into the new year and I still don’t have a resolution except my usual “be less responsible.”  (I was a 16 year old with a retirement savings account, I can stand to rein it in a bit.)  Thus far I spent a good chunk of the year being home sick and generally relaxing.  Today was going to be a productive evening…

But then I found Rachel Kramer Bussel‘s Suite Encounters on my bookshelf and then…I was thinking about the travel I’d done in 2012 and re-reading some of my favorite hotel-themed stories.  I actually got this book initially because I was traveling so damn much it seemed like a good fit for my lifestyle choice of airports and hotels, but was really surprised at just how much I liked it.  I guess I don’t expect to find stories of female dominance in books not specifically marketed as such, but Suite Encountered included a handful of stories featuring great take-charge ladies in a really casual, matter-of-fact sexy way.  It’s really nice to come across things as explicitly role queer are Night School in a piece of mainstream(ish) pornography, and the “I know what I want” frankness of the ladies in Selfish and Special Request is also a welcome change.  If you’ve got some business travel coming up, check this out!  (It’s available on Kindle if you’re shy…)

So yeah, I was gonna be productive, maybe actually catch up on some blogs, or figure out what I want to do this year, but maybe I’ll just curl up with a good book…

Written by kinkinexile

January 7, 2013 at 10:20 pm

Posted in Books, fun stuff

Fantasy

My fantasy life of COURSE wanted you to push back and say “I said ‘No!’.” I have no idea how my reality would’ve dealt in that instance.

This is from a private conversation about my orgasm control/ crashing post, specifically about where reality interrupted the scene in the last of the three orgasms I describe.

It’s interesting because so little of what I read about orgasm control and chastity play isn’t fantasy.  It’s also interesting because unchecked fantasy is usually where I end up feeling bullied…let me back up, I’ve been talking to a lot of people recently about moments when I feel like a guy is trying to bully me into topping him.  This is actually a behavior that is no different than a guy trying to bully a girl into sex of the vanilla persuasion, except the ask is slightly different.  I’ve been trying to find a framework to talk about male privilege and how men are sometimes taught by society that sex is something that’s owed to them without reinforcing this stereotype of sexually submissive men as demanding, whiny, or undesirable.

Put simply, I adore sexually submissive men, and I don’t tolerate demanding or prescriptive sexual behavior.  The ‘and’ is highlighted in that last sentence because I kept writing it with a ‘but’ and feeling like I was making a statement about submissive men being demanding, then I thought to put an ‘and’ in instead and suddenly realized these are divorced traits.  (Language is cool like that.)

I’m not being bullied into topping someone because submissive men bully their partners into sex, I am being bullied because I’m talking to an asshole who doesn’t have a firm grasp on ongoing and enthusiastic consent.  The fact that this particular asshole happens to be submissive is selection bias, which is to say, I am specifically looking for sexually submissive men therefore I’m already in that pool.  So, anyway, this brings me back to that odd paradigm where because I am female and because the way our society has historically handled sex and gender is busted, I not infrequently have to deal with men who think they have a god given right to my time and attention and would like to exercise that god given right by telling me about their fantasies and/or trying to push me into playing along.

I banned one acquaintance on a chat client after a drunken incident wherein he kept asking me for permission to have an orgasm and I kept explaining that we didn’t have that kind of relationship so, frankly, I didn’t care if he had an orgasm or not.  And I’ve received everything from insults to ballads from men I’ve informed, in nicer language usually, that I didn’t know them from Adam and didn’t want to talk to them thank you very much.  Usually, these bullying episodes are unchecked fantasy…I very much doubt my acquaintance wanted me – flesh, blood, and personhood me – to control his orgasm so much as he wanted some woman somewhere to take control and tell him he was or was not allowed to come.  Had reality actually been consulted he would be as aware as I was that we did not have that relationship; needless to say, reality was MIA.

One of the things that makes the relationship I describe in all my orgasm control posts possible, is my partner’s extremely firm grasp on a) reality and b) consent.  His near-religious adherence to consent culture, and the fact that he is so very careful with my boundaries is the cost of entry to the sex I (and I hope, we) want to have.  In taking a step back and being enthusiastically available to me, but not actively pursuing me he gives me space to step forward and engage rather than spend my time fighting my spidey sense.  Fantasies are hot, incredibly so, and we share them regularly, but knowing our reality means actually getting to do this in reality!

I don’t know if I would have said “no” in my fantasy.  More likely than not, I wouldn’t fantasize about quite this situation – I don’t fantasize about partners being pushy and me having to overpower them and enforce my will like some sort of uncaring ice-queen.  That isn’t hot to me.  Hot to me is a partner who wants to be good and who wouldn’t dream of using an excuse to “get out of” something we both want.  I fantasize about a partner begging me to not let him come, asking to be locked up, or asking me to hurt him; not one I have to “punish” or lock up for “his own good.”

But since I’ve been wanting to post a porn short for ages…I fantasize about having him locked up and tied down, face down on the bed with a few pillows under his hips so he could almost rub against them while I fuck his ass except of course it’s futile and about amusing myself watching him get into a state of dripping, begging, frenzy while I get off before making him get dressed and go out to some sort of social dinner knowing all the while that he won’t be able to focus on anything outside his body and my nails grazing his thigh under the table.

Written by kinkinexile

July 8, 2012 at 11:18 pm