Kink in exile

Notes from a kinky nomad

Archive for the ‘Orgasm Control’ Category

Rules rules rules

Last night I was reading some blogs and came across Not Just Bitchy’s No Wrong Way to Do Kink.  Yes, I’m sure regular readers are now thinking, “oh no, a long rant about all the wrong ways to do kink!” But no, I need a break, so instead I wanted to talk about point 5:

5. Giving up control or giving out rules before your partner has earned it. It’s great to have a new sub who says he’ll do whatever you say and is excited about being given new rules, but what’s going to happen when he has to actually live with all those rules? Or when you have to remember all of them and catch it if he messes up? I don’t actually have a huge amount of experience with d/s, but I’m pretty sure that’s more likely to be overwhelming and a huge pain in the ass than fun and satisfying.

I love this because rules – how to make them, what happens when they’re broken, etc – is something I spend a lot of time thinking about.  I love rules.  I love having a question and being able to find a policy about it – I enjoy tax season! – but more importantly for this post, I kink on rules.  I like making arbitrary-seeming proclamations and having you obey them because we both get off on it.  It’s hot.  But it’s bedroom hot – like the pirate thing, I’m not a pirate when I’m at work, and obviously you don’t have to kneel, naked, at all times at work.

But rules are also hard.  When I make an arbitrary proclamation, I trust you to go along with it and engage in shared story telling with me.  And I trust you to indicate to me that a rule is hitting a boundary when that happens, also.   I balance the hotness of a rule against the practicality and against my willingness or ability to enforce it.

Take for example one of my long-time fantasies: to know every single time you’re aroused and to know what you fantasize about while you masturbate (with my permission).  It’s like NSA meets alien mind probe but more hot and less civil rights violation across the land.  It’s hot because it’s exposing and I love the idea of you exposed, of having that much access, and of the fact that, yeah, that’s probably going to be slightly embarrassing for most people.

Now imagine I’m at work and I’m in the middle of a client meeting, and my phone buzzes with a notification that you’re fantasizing about being molested by alien tentacle monsters at my command.  That’s not hot, that’s distracting.  Maybe you think it’s hot, and in fantasy land it is, but in reality I’d be annoyed.  So that’s a great bedroom rule, but not a reasonable real rule.

Then there are other people’s rules: you can only wear socks in my favorite color.  Sure, ok, if you kink on that, but…why?  I like making arbitrary rules, but only about things I care about…your orgasms for example, or how you share information with me.  If I hate your socks, I’d tell you I suppose, but I simply can’t imagine caring.  And then I’d have to keep track.  There’d be a spreadsheet on my computer labeled “Rules, do not forget” where I would dutifully record the date, the proclamation on socks, and your response.  Neat little columns.  What happens when you wear the wrong sock color? Do you lose socks for the week?  Have to wear extra socks? Are there naughty boy socks one can buy at specialty shops?

I think I wanted to write something about building rules and responses to them together, about kink as shared creation, and about how we communicate subtly and overtly, but you know what?  Tentacle monsters.  I’ll be in my bunk.

Written by kinkinexile

August 20, 2013 at 10:35 pm

Exhausted and shameless

I’m in California but there’s no denying jetlag, my body is firmly planted on Eastern time.  I’m groggy and disoriented, still.  I’ve given up readjusting since I’m just going to fly again in a week.  And regardless of either timezone, I’m still working.  It’s just after 8pm, so actually, I’m taking a break.

Also, I have a crush.  Because limerence is a sort of insanity, I am partially alarmed and partially delighted.  Alarmed because I continuously have logistically improbable crushes and because, well, limerence is insanity.  Delighted because crushes feel good.

Anyway, the shameless part…I was fooling around with, um, a new friend, over the holiday and at somepoint he asked for an orgasm.  Now, I really like begging so I said no.  And then I said no a couple more times until at one point I sort of realized that I was doing so with absolutely no compunction.  At this point I decided that I was maybe lacking in that internalized guilt which other people use to mediate their scenes and called a time-out for “wait, have I crossed the hot mean to bad person mean line?” Someday I’m going to wreak havoc on some unsuspecting boy, in the mean time I’m gonna consider this inconvenient crush, make myself another strawberry peppercorn soda, and get back to work.

Written by kinkinexile

July 8, 2013 at 8:41 pm

Orgasm control through trial, error, and data

My partner, one of them, tracks his orgasms.  Actually he tracks edges, orgasms, and a couple other things.  He does this for a number or reasons, perhaps the most obvious that comes to mind is that I asked him to.

I first asked him to do this back in October, and he started tracking in November of last year.  I should say, he started tracking for me in Nov, he’s tracked for his own interest on and off for much longer.  Then we fell off the bandwagon for a couple of months while a lot of his orgasms and edges were in physical proximity to me and it turns out I am actually really bad at tracking things.  Then, last month, fueled by my new obsession with the quantified self movement, I asked him to start tracking again.

Why track orgasms?

Well, “you can’t change what you don’t track” is a truism usually thrown around in Business 101, but as we both get off on orgasm control, I’m just gonna roll with it here too.  Really understanding how his sexual response cycle works over time, looking at various factors that might impact it, and getting a feel for his “normal” lets me fuck shit up with greater precision.

Lets say I was gonna make a rule about how often he’s allowed to have an orgasm.  Let’s say I was gonna say once a week…Well, I know at least one person for whom that would be extremely challenging, that person would not be my partner.  By watching his orgasm patterns over time I have a much more intuitive understanding of the easy -> moderate -> challenging ask scale.  Oh but wait…

Observer effect

As soon as I asked him to start writing down, in a place I could easily access, all of his orgasms and edges he started having more orgasms (and fewer edges) than I expect.  Weird right?  Actually it correlates with something he’s told me before about orgasm control fantasies being soooo hot that those are the ones that actually lead to orgasms not edges for him.  Awesome, so with that in mind, and with this shiny graph I’m making that is going to tell me how long this initial peak lasts, I can make a few guesses.  I can guess at what a reasonable ask is for him based on how acclimated to play he is right now.  A reasonable ask isn’t just not too hard, it’s also not too easy.  Lets say, and this is just a guess, that he has a lot of orgasms when he firsts starts recording and then it peters off in a week or two.  I can then expect that when I first ask him to do something in this realm, like not to have orgasms, it’ll be really hard balanced with new and interesting, but as he settles into it, he can refocus on other things*.  This isn’t shocking news.  In fact I think I wrote about this wearing off of urgency before, but is it helpful for me to remember when designing asks?  Yes.  And it’s also something that can enter the “I know this is hard and I expected this to be hard for you but what you’re doing is making me happy” conversation.

There’s another thing that is really important here, and that is that the observer effect is really real.  Writing down his orgasms changes his sexual drive based on the data I have at hand.  And it’s not a problem.  I thought it was, but it’s not.  The thing that matters here is that it is consistent.  As long as he always records his orgasms and edges there will be a consistent level of this kind of noise, which means I can actually introduce variables and see how they impact his sexual response patterns later compared to this recorded baseline.  More importantly, this is why I want him to record this for me regardless of if we are actively playing or not.  Data that is complete over a longish time period means I will actually start seeing natural peaks and valleys.  If he only recorded when we were playing we’d always have this “oh orgasm control is hot” shock every couple of months as we restart recording at the same time that we’re looking at hot orgasm control porn together.

So what am I hoping to learn?

First off, the tracking part actually really turns me on, so to some degree, I’m justifying, retroactively, data collection I want to do for it’s own sake. #overlyhonestresearchmethods

That said, there’s also a few things I want to know more about. I want to know, for example, what happens just before he gets really horny so I could replicate it. I want to know how long he typically stays horny so that if he doesn’t want to have sex, I can make a guess at natural valley or external stress. And I want to know what the optimal conditions for him to be horny look like because a huge part of the active appeal  of orgasm control for me is seeing him horny and listening to him beg – so how do I maximize that?

Of course pretty graphs aren’t enough

Tracking my partner’s orgasms is hot because it’s a shared project. The patterns become meaningful because we can talk about them and because he gives me enough information to put the dots together. I have shared orgasm control fantasies with this person for years, and we’d been actively playing with this together for at least a year before doing this sort of data tracking made sense.

* I mentioned one not unexpected thing I learned (confirmed?) through this exercise – initiating anything in this realm comes with an initial interest spike.  But here are some other things I’m starting to pull apart:

  • He expresses sexuality on multiple channels (I could look at the log or I can take a look at a semi-private porn stash he curates, or I can look at themes in our communication via IM or email)
  • Asking him specifically to have orgasms or edges is a much bigger challenge than asking him not too, or rather, it’s a much bigger ask and big asks require more hospitable contexts
  • Because I really like the fact that he is tracking stuff *for me* I generally want to acknowledge log entries as “you did the thing I asked for correctly, good boy” (which sounds more like “saw the entry, thanks.”) I am trying not to comment on every entry for various reasons involving popular theories in behavioral science.
  • Slightly surprising is that while not actively traveling or managing travel logistics seems to be important for moments when he’s horny, work doesn’t seem to get in the way as I’d previously thought.

So that’s that.  I’m keeping the graphs private, but I’m having fun digging in 🙂

Written by kinkinexile

March 7, 2013 at 7:57 pm

How to get your boyfriend into a chastity device…

This is one of the most common search hits I get so I figured perhaps I should answer the question.  So, dear reader, how to get your boyfriend into a chastity device…

The non-physical stuff:

I’m going to assume that you can’t simply tie your boyfriend up, gag any protests, and lock up his cock if you expect to still have a boyfriend shortly there after.  If this is not the case, I have no idea why you’re reading my blog, but does your bloke have any like-minded friends, and when might I meet them?

For the rest of us, by hook or by crook, we have to convince our partners…

So, how do you convince your boyfriend that it’s a good idea to put something somewhat bulky and a little uncomfortable on his cock for your amusement?  Good question.  I actually have email threads with Maymay dating back to 2009 when I was trying to figure out just how to introduce orgasm control to my then partner.  I honestly still don’t know how to broach the topic.  If an appeal to frugality has failed (think of the money you’ll save on condoms!) and you can’t make a good case for the CB6000 as a fashionable addition to his biking ensemble, consider what you really want out of having your partner wear this thing and then tell him so.  Does the idea of seeing it on him turn you on?  Is there an element of power exchange you find appealing?  Do you like the fact that you think of him more as you try not to drop the key in the elevator shaft?  Basically, my advice for chastity is like my advice for everything else: talk to your partner.  If all else fails, an enthusiastic “FOR SCIENCE” has been doing wonders for my love life for years.

The physical stuff:

I actually had the good fortune to start using chastity devices with an enthusiastic and experienced partner (for science!).  I’ve only ever played with the CB6000 and the ClubFem MCD, the latter of which I’d categorize as a very temporary play device more than a chastity device.  I’ve handled other devices, but with the exception of ones that include urethral sounds (currently beyond my scope of practice) I haven’t been too interested in other options.  You can find tips and tricks for the CB6000 here from maymay and over here from thumper.

The CB6000 is a “trapped ball device,” which is just a fancy way of saying it stays on by hanging on to the testicles as opposed to, say, a chastity belt which might have a belt that goes around the hips.  The CB6000 website has a flash demo of assembly, but for whatever reason doesn’t include a penis in the assembly instructions.  So, if you’d like to flow along here, what’s actually happening is as follows:

  1. Take the big ring object (actually 3/4 of a ring) and slip it on behind the testicles so the open part is on top where your bloke’s penis meets the rest of his body.
  2. Find the small curved puzzle piece that fits into the remaining space to complete the ring from behind (note that there are two plastic pieces of the same size but the groves are inverse so you can tell which way to put them on).
  3. Go ahead and put the two short pins in and line up/connect that back piece
  4. Set up it’s mirror image on the other side of the big ring piece so you now have a complete circle.  The correct order is pelvis -> plastic thing -> testicles -> penis and outside world.  You can also put the longer of the 3 pins through the middle hole at the top of your plastic circle now.  And this a good time to see if you’ve accidentally trapped any pubic hair and try to shift things around to release that.
  5. Learn to juggle, you’re gonna need it.
  6. Put the spacer on, that’s the little plastic widget that fits over the middle pin.  Try to hold it in place while you do everything else.  Have it fall off a few times.  Try not to get flustered.  Get flustered anyway. Put it back on and see if you can get a hand from your partner in keeping it on.
  7. Find some way to lubricate your cage.  My favorite methodology thus far has been lots of liquid soap or body wash cause it’ll wash out easily later (see maymay’s post for how to wash stuff out of the CB6000).  You can also use a nice hypoallergenic body oil or lube.
  8. Slip the penis into the cage, where by “slip” I mean “shove in forcefully.” I’m sure this is an individual thing, but I’ve realized from this process that penises are less fragile than I imagine them to be.  Gent’s, if your partner is new to this what’s gonna happen is she’s gonna start putting it on, meet resistance, and stop because penises are fragile things.  If you want this process to succeed, some well placed “you’ve got it” “that feels fine, go ahead” and various other encouragement would be great right about now.  ladies, target fixation is your friend here, push the cage from a little below his pelvis up toward his body aiming the holes at the top edge of the cage onto the pins you’ve inserted into the ring.
  9. Ok, now you think you’ve got everything on, you got the penis in the cage while holding onto the spacer and aligning the holes on the upper rim of the cage with the protruding pins from the ring and it’s time to lock things up…for some reason this is always a tight fit to get the pin through enough to fit the lock in.  I usually have my partner hold the ring and cage together so I can finish up without getting flustered, and for his part, he usually has the good sense to allow as to how he also wishes he had 4 hands when doing this himself to help me not get flustered.
  10. Lock, rinse out whatever lube you used, and you’re done.

Probably the most important thing I can add to the flash demo on the CB6000 website is: don’t worry, it’s an awkward process, you’re not doing it wrong you just have to be a little more patient and a little more forceful than you expect.




Written by kinkinexile

March 3, 2013 at 11:04 am

Posted in advice, Orgasm Control

Orgasm control through trial and error: The Fitbit

For a number of reasons I’m having a hard evening and I’m having a particularly hard time engaging with kink.  If you’ve been reading, I suspect you can guess at most of what’s going on in my brain.  If you’re new, start here.  I was looking over my calendar, trying to figure out what I’m doing tomorrow, and I have a 7pm placeholder.  What for?  Why would I just put something labeled “placeholder” in my calendar?  It took a while, eventually I realized it was a placeholder for a BDSM singles (and poly/available) mixer I have no interest in actually going to.  You know what I think of the kink scene; going to kink events, even just to “go fishing,” feels disingenuous.

So I was gonna sit around and mope, but instead I decided to write about chastity and orgasm control cause that always cheers me up.  On Saturday I had a layover in an airport that had a Brookstone, which was exciting because they sold Lelo vibrators next to the iPad covers.  But it was even more exciting cause they sold Fitbits.  A Fitbit is basically a glorified pedometer that syncs to your mobile phone and tracks steps, calories, distance, etc.  I’ve been trying to find a meaningful to me way of getting more into Quantified Self and my old pedometer failed because it required active tracking on my part (no automatic syncing) so I figured why not.

Then I tweeted about wanting to tie my fitness goals into orgasm control by asking my pet to only have orgasms on days when I walk 10,000 steps or more.  This sparked a bit of a conversation along the lines of wouldn’t this cause resentment when he didn’t get to have orgasms because I was lazy.  Fair point…but wrong context?

There are a couple underlying assumptions that I make and a little bit of background:

1) I kink on orgasm control really hard, the pet I was thinking of in the tweet does too, so when I was thinking about tying my fitness goal to his orgasm I was thinking about something that is a win-win/positive sum game.  If orgasm control is already hard/not something you enjoy but you are willing to do it with a partner who has conscious control because control is hot, I can see how this misses the mark.

2) The exciting thing here is that my achieving my goals rewards him.  A more traditional setup would be for me to put a fitbit on him and link his steps to his orgasms but that’s not interesting for me.  It’s not interesting for several reasons: he probably walks more than 4 miles/day already, and I actively dislike the idea of topping someone into things they should do (for their health).  Topping people into doing what they should do feels like mothering; conversely, I like dating responsible, self-reliant and self-motivating adults.

So, why is this so damn hot when it’s my goals and his orgasms?

1) Positive social pressure.  I know it’s very undomly of me to say, but most of the time, I want him to enjoy his body.  When I specifically want him to wait, or be horny, or be frustrated I want to be there/know about it/participate actively and drive this thing.  By default, I like my pet and want him to be happy so knowing he gets something nice when I walk more is enough to bump me over the goal mark from say ~8000 steps when I’m not trying to 10,000.  I also like the idea of giving him a reason to encourage me and finding a way for me to be meaningfully engaged in his orgasms in a way that fits our lives.

2) Ok, ok, I might be imagining how utterly hot it would be for him to be all horny and wanty and the fact that he’d probably blush while saying something about “um, how about going for a walk after dinner?”

3) Topping is hard work, defaults make life easier.  It’s why your computer has default settings, it’s why you likely have default clothes for particular frequent situations like work, and while unsexy it might make orgasm control more sustainable.  The thing I utterly adore about the idea of orgasm control is that I get to own a piece of his experience of the world.  And it’s a piece I care about, unlike, say, what color socks he wears or how far he walks – this is why I want orgasm control not high protocol D/s.  Anyway, taking active control of someone else’s orgasms requires active attention, which while I can certainly agree he deserves, I can’t offer 24/7.  Creating a framework within which there exist established defaults makes this type of play feel more sustainable.  Creating systems by which I am looped into his orgasms as actively or as passively as I have time for gives me a springboard for taking in-the-moment control.

3.2) Defaults are subject to manual override (or why our robot overlords won’t kill us all). Just because I walked 10,000 steps doesn’t mean he gets an orgasm, just because I haven’t doesn’t mean I have to go for a jog before we have sex.  Human centered systems require flexibility and “best judgment” over absolutes and rules.

4) I count wins as a team.  Actually, I count wins as some sort of strange 3-legged relay race because I have multiple partners that all impact me in distinctly different but interconnected ways.  But to make this easier, lets just say I count wins as a team, and to drill that home, when I meet my goals you get the reward.  Because rewarding myself (extrinsic reward) loses it’s appeal very very quickly, while working for someone else’s reward feels intrinsically good.  (And is more sustainable from a behavioral science standpoint.)

4.2) What if we count wins as a team? Remember that orgasm control requires his compliance, and I’ve ruled out punishment/enforcement scenarios (they aren’t really hot for me where as *wanting to be good* is earth-shatteringly hot).  So imagine if you will that he wants to be good for me, would knowing that his compliance with this fitness-orgasm link motivates me to walk more and keeps me engaged with wearing the fitbit/tracking my steps to meet my goals help him avoid “not allowed” orgasms in the same way it helps me walk more?

I think what makes this really hot is that it’s a loop – we both have to actively engage in order for it to work.  In this currently all fantasy scenario:

  • I wear the fitbit and am motivated by wanting to create opportunities for orgasms to walk more.
  • He refrains from orgasms on days when I haven’t met my goal and is motivated by the fact that this helps me meet my goals to comply with the orgasm-fitness link.
  • I’m aware of his compliance and have a reason to keep tracking my steps and so on…

Anyway, that’s what’s been on my mind of late, and if you’d care to play along, you’ll probably be seeing fitbit updates on my twitter stream 😉



Written by kinkinexile

February 18, 2013 at 8:07 pm

Posted in Orgasm Control

Be good


This past week my partner challenged me…

I want to be good for you

Them don’t sound like fighting words…but they can be.  How many of you can actually say, right now without pause, what being good for you means.  And I don’t mean what does “being good” mean? I mean what does “being good for you” mean?

Some ways to be good based on BDSM scripts I know (and sometimes like):

  • Only have orgasms when I allow it
  • Don’t masturbate without my permission
  • Clean the house while I watch
  • Kiss my feet
  • Call me ma’am as in “it’s raining ma’am”
  • Kneel at any provocation or without provocation
  • Take lots of pain for me

Some ways of being good that are actually uniquely meaningful to me:

  • Make sure I have a pulse on your emotional and physical state
  • Communicate honestly but also patiently (which means say it again when I totally fail to hear you the first time, I’m sorry, and I really want to hear)
  • Involve me in your orgasms by having them with me, or negotiating the timing of them with me, or sometimes having them when I tell you to and waiting when I ask you to
  • Clean the parts of the house I’d like cleaned while I’m somewhere else so I get to come home to it (shyly ask if you did it right causing me to melt a little on the inside when I look at the floor)
  • Get me the snack you know I like when you pass the spot that sells it
  • Kiss my feet
  • Call me ma’am but only as a deeply personal term of endearment – use it sparingly so it feels special.
  • Sit at my feet because I love having your head in my lap (and because I like imagining you as an expensive dog (Italian greyhound comes to mind))
  • Let me hurt you
  • But also let me use yoga stuff to change the way you breathe and consequently the way you experience your body
  • Only tease me a little for being so Californian
  • Be able to tell me how long it’s been since your last orgasm when I ask

Some of these overlap, some of these look the same but feel radically different, some of these look a lot like a good vanilla partner, but then, I described sex in which he was tied to the wall as “pretty vanilla” so maybe I’m wrong about that.

One thing that seems to be pretty core for me is “let me guide you through this difficult thing and hold you on the other side.” I like causing pain, for example, both because it’s scary and intense and hot, but also because I get to be the one who makes it better afterwards.  Similarly, I really adore some aspects of orgasm control that are very active (when I tell him to stop while he’s edging for example), but I also really love the idea of participating in that orgasm when he does get it eventually and making it something that’s luscious and lovely, and beyond that I like the more passive but ongoing parts (keyholding) that are basically us working towards a shared goal together.

And here’s another question the BDSM scene doesn’t think to ask: tops, how are you good for your submissive partners?


Written by kinkinexile

December 22, 2012 at 6:31 pm

Orgasm control through trial and error: threads of power and a weekend debrief

This past week has been a nice. It’s been nice because I’ve been holding agency over my lover’s body without holding agency over his life and my hypothesis was not disproved (yet?).

My hypothesis was that orgasm control is a thread that allows me to have ongoing and casual control over my partner in some meaningful to me ways (sexual agency) while attempting to not exert influence over other factors (life choices, who they have dinner with, etc) beyond that which is normal for an intimate relationship or friendship. My partner and I were at a conference for part of the past week, and I clocked more face time with him than I had anticipated; we haven’t debriefed yet so I don’t know if the fact that we were also actively playing caused that, but I’m curious (hence the yet).

I also really enjoy that my partner brings a sense of realism to our play. When I asked if he was afraid that he’d never have an orgasm ever again, his response was no, though he’d probably not get many orgasms ever again. I like that injection of reality into our play, because as I’ve said before and will keep saying, if my control doesn’t play well with reality it isn’t real.

My partner never having an orgasm ever again isn’t realistic and it isn’t healthy. But my having more orgasms in a day than he has in a month…that’s an actionable goal. And my having more orgasms in a day than he had in the last week, yup that’s a pretty hot reality.

There is also something I want to explore in the realm of casual control and active control. Active control is when I tell him when and how to masturbate, whether he is allowed to have an orgasm in this moment in time, where his hands should go, etc. Casual control is the moment when he is maybe aware that he’s horny but neither of us is actively dealing with it because we’re talking about internet privacy for example. And maybe there are moments that are casual for me but active for him – I like him to edge while I read for example, because I like the imbalance in the level of investment each of us has in his orgasm at that moment. Not having an orgasm is his job not mine, wanting one is too – cause, you know, his wanting is super hot for me.

One other thing that’s top of mind for me right now is what happens if this level of submission is something I get access to in a sustained fashion.  We have a long distance relationship, this means distinct, time and space bounded, intense interactions every one to two months.  While our play still has to deal with reality, it has to deal with a sort of watered down on vacation reality.  I still have to expand energy into active control, but casual control is novel, fun, easy, and incredibly sexy.  I’m not sure what that would feel like at a larger time-scale.

One of the things that I think makes orgasm control work is that I am specifically turned on by having control over my partner’s orgasms.  This isn’t like an unlimited “honey I have a headache” pass.  This is sex.  When I read and my partner edges on the bed next to me and he doesn’t have an orgasm because I didn’t tell him to, that’s not me taking a night off, that’s sex.  So, what happens when I do have a headache?  What happens when I work 70 hour weeks for 3 weeks in a row and I don’t want to have sex?

Those of you in fantasy la la land are likely saying “well he doesn’t get to come, clearly!!”  But you see, even when I don’t give a fuck if he wants an orgasm, I still give a fuck cause, ya’know, it turns me on.  Chastity play is part of how I have sex, I don’t think it works on those “I’ve got a headache” nights.  I think the reason casual control feels so good for me is that it feels sustainable.  It’s something I’d like to prototype – going through reality with that thread of control.

Written by kinkinexile

October 29, 2012 at 4:53 pm

Posted in Orgasm Control