Kink in exile

Notes from a kinky nomad

Archive for the ‘topping’ Category

Yep, I’m definitly not a real domme :)

Ferns posted a short note recently about her expectations of submissive partners.  I have to say, my response surprised me.  Logically, I could reason my way into “sure, yes, they want to submit, maybe they should do things you ask for even when they don’t want to.” Hell, I have to assume that sometimes, when a boy who is comfortably sleeping wakes up to my bouncing and makes me coffee, or when my now ex partner waited some 50 odd days for an orgasm in part due to my insistence, at some points that is what someone acting against their wishes looks like.

My gut response though, is a resounding WTF? You are playing with an adult presumably in a country with laws similar to our 13th Amendment.  Your play happens in the real world.  Anything short of respecting your partner’s boundaries is coercion at best.  If you have an issue around trust that’s resulting from your partner breaking commitments, you have an issue around trust.  That’s totally valid, I’ve had that issue, it sucks.  But it’s not a BDSM issue.  Hell, I was going to have less interest in other people’s relationships, so I should walk away.

Personally, I’ve said before and I’ll say again, I’m not your mother.  I’m not here to Domme you into your fitness routine or getting to work on time.  The power dynamic I bring to my sex is a core part of what I need in my sex life and in my long term relationships, but ultimately, I want to date, and sleep with, an adult.  And I’d like to do it in the real world and save the LARPing for the future dystopian swamp lands it belongs in.

Written by kinkinexile

October 23, 2013 at 9:49 pm

Posted in headspace, topping

Be good

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This past week my partner challenged me…

I want to be good for you

Them don’t sound like fighting words…but they can be.  How many of you can actually say, right now without pause, what being good for you means.  And I don’t mean what does “being good” mean? I mean what does “being good for you” mean?

Some ways to be good based on BDSM scripts I know (and sometimes like):

  • Only have orgasms when I allow it
  • Don’t masturbate without my permission
  • Clean the house while I watch
  • Kiss my feet
  • Call me ma’am as in “it’s raining ma’am”
  • Kneel at any provocation or without provocation
  • Take lots of pain for me

Some ways of being good that are actually uniquely meaningful to me:

  • Make sure I have a pulse on your emotional and physical state
  • Communicate honestly but also patiently (which means say it again when I totally fail to hear you the first time, I’m sorry, and I really want to hear)
  • Involve me in your orgasms by having them with me, or negotiating the timing of them with me, or sometimes having them when I tell you to and waiting when I ask you to
  • Clean the parts of the house I’d like cleaned while I’m somewhere else so I get to come home to it (shyly ask if you did it right causing me to melt a little on the inside when I look at the floor)
  • Get me the snack you know I like when you pass the spot that sells it
  • Kiss my feet
  • Call me ma’am but only as a deeply personal term of endearment – use it sparingly so it feels special.
  • Sit at my feet because I love having your head in my lap (and because I like imagining you as an expensive dog (Italian greyhound comes to mind))
  • Let me hurt you
  • But also let me use yoga stuff to change the way you breathe and consequently the way you experience your body
  • Only tease me a little for being so Californian
  • Be able to tell me how long it’s been since your last orgasm when I ask

Some of these overlap, some of these look the same but feel radically different, some of these look a lot like a good vanilla partner, but then, I described sex in which he was tied to the wall as “pretty vanilla” so maybe I’m wrong about that.

One thing that seems to be pretty core for me is “let me guide you through this difficult thing and hold you on the other side.” I like causing pain, for example, both because it’s scary and intense and hot, but also because I get to be the one who makes it better afterwards.  Similarly, I really adore some aspects of orgasm control that are very active (when I tell him to stop while he’s edging for example), but I also really love the idea of participating in that orgasm when he does get it eventually and making it something that’s luscious and lovely, and beyond that I like the more passive but ongoing parts (keyholding) that are basically us working towards a shared goal together.

And here’s another question the BDSM scene doesn’t think to ask: tops, how are you good for your submissive partners?

#StillThinking

Written by kinkinexile

December 22, 2012 at 6:31 pm

Fantasy

My fantasy life of COURSE wanted you to push back and say “I said ‘No!’.” I have no idea how my reality would’ve dealt in that instance.

This is from a private conversation about my orgasm control/ crashing post, specifically about where reality interrupted the scene in the last of the three orgasms I describe.

It’s interesting because so little of what I read about orgasm control and chastity play isn’t fantasy.  It’s also interesting because unchecked fantasy is usually where I end up feeling bullied…let me back up, I’ve been talking to a lot of people recently about moments when I feel like a guy is trying to bully me into topping him.  This is actually a behavior that is no different than a guy trying to bully a girl into sex of the vanilla persuasion, except the ask is slightly different.  I’ve been trying to find a framework to talk about male privilege and how men are sometimes taught by society that sex is something that’s owed to them without reinforcing this stereotype of sexually submissive men as demanding, whiny, or undesirable.

Put simply, I adore sexually submissive men, and I don’t tolerate demanding or prescriptive sexual behavior.  The ‘and’ is highlighted in that last sentence because I kept writing it with a ‘but’ and feeling like I was making a statement about submissive men being demanding, then I thought to put an ‘and’ in instead and suddenly realized these are divorced traits.  (Language is cool like that.)

I’m not being bullied into topping someone because submissive men bully their partners into sex, I am being bullied because I’m talking to an asshole who doesn’t have a firm grasp on ongoing and enthusiastic consent.  The fact that this particular asshole happens to be submissive is selection bias, which is to say, I am specifically looking for sexually submissive men therefore I’m already in that pool.  So, anyway, this brings me back to that odd paradigm where because I am female and because the way our society has historically handled sex and gender is busted, I not infrequently have to deal with men who think they have a god given right to my time and attention and would like to exercise that god given right by telling me about their fantasies and/or trying to push me into playing along.

I banned one acquaintance on a chat client after a drunken incident wherein he kept asking me for permission to have an orgasm and I kept explaining that we didn’t have that kind of relationship so, frankly, I didn’t care if he had an orgasm or not.  And I’ve received everything from insults to ballads from men I’ve informed, in nicer language usually, that I didn’t know them from Adam and didn’t want to talk to them thank you very much.  Usually, these bullying episodes are unchecked fantasy…I very much doubt my acquaintance wanted me – flesh, blood, and personhood me – to control his orgasm so much as he wanted some woman somewhere to take control and tell him he was or was not allowed to come.  Had reality actually been consulted he would be as aware as I was that we did not have that relationship; needless to say, reality was MIA.

One of the things that makes the relationship I describe in all my orgasm control posts possible, is my partner’s extremely firm grasp on a) reality and b) consent.  His near-religious adherence to consent culture, and the fact that he is so very careful with my boundaries is the cost of entry to the sex I (and I hope, we) want to have.  In taking a step back and being enthusiastically available to me, but not actively pursuing me he gives me space to step forward and engage rather than spend my time fighting my spidey sense.  Fantasies are hot, incredibly so, and we share them regularly, but knowing our reality means actually getting to do this in reality!

I don’t know if I would have said “no” in my fantasy.  More likely than not, I wouldn’t fantasize about quite this situation – I don’t fantasize about partners being pushy and me having to overpower them and enforce my will like some sort of uncaring ice-queen.  That isn’t hot to me.  Hot to me is a partner who wants to be good and who wouldn’t dream of using an excuse to “get out of” something we both want.  I fantasize about a partner begging me to not let him come, asking to be locked up, or asking me to hurt him; not one I have to “punish” or lock up for “his own good.”

But since I’ve been wanting to post a porn short for ages…I fantasize about having him locked up and tied down, face down on the bed with a few pillows under his hips so he could almost rub against them while I fuck his ass except of course it’s futile and about amusing myself watching him get into a state of dripping, begging, frenzy while I get off before making him get dressed and go out to some sort of social dinner knowing all the while that he won’t be able to focus on anything outside his body and my nails grazing his thigh under the table.

Written by kinkinexile

July 8, 2012 at 11:18 pm

Playing hard, and hard to get

Recently, I stumbled over a first – “you play with Maymay” (Read: you play hard.)  Hard, too hard, hard enough, it’s a matter of context.

Two things stood out to me about this judgment, in this case “you play with Maymay, so…was that a light scene for you?”

1) The statement came from a man who graciously allowed me to hit his genitals with a rubber baton. (Read: light my fat Jewish ass.  Maybe light as in “light cream” or “light chocolate pudding”)

2) My style and competency of play was being judged not in relation to my preferences but vis-a-vis my partner.

This is not the first time someone pointed to Maymay when evaluating my suitability as a partner, but it was the first time the statement came from someone I knew well and caught my attention.  It was at first flattering, and later problematic.  Later still, Maymay pointed me to this blog post which sums up his own experience:

So this weekend I didn’t feel respected when I was asked “How much were you really struggling in that take down scene?” I didn’t feel respected by the people who thought I was on the Power Bottoming panel because I like to limp for days after I play. I definitely didn’t feel respected by all the people who stopped me in the hallways and told me what an intense scene they saw me do (though, again, I did appreciate the kind words and enjoyed the obvious admiration and surprise—I don’t look like someone who likes to scream until my throat is hoarse, but I do).

On the other hand, I did feel respected when a fellow attendee approached me and asked for my opinions regarding TES’s web site (and others) because he had heard people mention my name in conversation about the topic. Likewise, I also felt respected when people came up to me privately after some of my presentations and told me that they thought I had made good points, that I articulated myself well, and that I exposed them to something new and provoked some new thought or insight inside of them.

Thanks to the transman who told Eileen and I that we had finally articulated his primary kink in our Sexual Teasing and Denial presentation. Thanks to the young woman who taught me the word cyberbalkanization in my Sex and Technology presentation. Thanks to the people who congratulated me on my bravery and willingness to get naked on the first night in front of more than thirty clothed people during the demo for the G and P Spot Stimulation presentation.

In other words, thanks for seeing underneath all the cuts and bruises and welts. Thanks for rejecting the rhetoric that to be worth a damn as a bottom you need to have a pain tolerance that rivals a super hero’s. That’s the kind of thing that makes most men think they need to be stoic and “strong” when they are in pain, which is stupid because the last thing a sadist wants to see when they’re hurting someone is a lack of painful reaction (duh).

I agree, yes, and yet this is problematic.  I agree because there is so so much more than pain tolerance to bottoming skills and so much more than the willingness to dish it out to good topping.  I agree because when I watch other people’s scenes I watch for error handling rather than for “gee, how much can they take.” More importantly, I agree because fuck I am tired of meeting people and being expected to befriend them on the basis of nothing more than shared fetish, so when Maymay speaks to feeling respected when people connect with him about his work, yeah, fuck yeah – this sounds like what I mean when I say “treat me like an engineer, not like a female.”

And yet, and this is BDSM blasphemy, I like experienced bottoms because they…are willing to take a certain amount of risk.  I was gonna write “are less safety obsessed” but then I realized I’d get lynched so I thought better of it :-p  In any case, what I mean is I like playing with people who realize that like most adventure sports sometimes kinky sex causes minor, temporary injuries.  Having sustained minor temporary injuries from vanilla sex in the past, I don’t find this shocking, but the authoritative literature probably suggests I’m a horrible top and you should run far far away.

In any case, it isn’t about the pain tolerance, per se, but it is about a comfort level with and an understanding of one’s limits.  Ultimately, there is no better or worse way to have kinky sex.  If it turns you and your partner on, and no one ends up in hospital, good on you!  Ok, fine, there are incompetent people in the world, but honestly, if you didn’t see them in the dungeon it’s cause this is the weekend they try downhill skiing for the first time in their lives with no training and they’re skipping the bunny slope.  If you’re an adult with a passing love for your partner or at least a desire to not cause bodily harm to a total stranger, I expect you’ll do just fine.

Frankly, I’m starting to think that this system of rewarding people for how hard they play, discounting anyone who just wants the occasional spanking, and belaboring the idea that what we are doing is exceptionally dangerous rocket carpentry is some kind of secret plot to sell tickets to BDSM conferences.

So yeah, ok, I like playing with experienced people and heavier bottoms, because they let me “wing it” on their bodies a little more often.  But more importantly, I like playing with people who have taken the time to build a strong relationship and foundation of experience with me because when I think about asking a lover if I could first beat him and later fuck him with a police baton…there’s really only one person* who would reasonably** agree to that, and even then I’m not so sure.  (Guess I’ll find out in June…)

*Ok, there might be two, but any kind of penetrative sex would be very surprising and unlike us with one of them.  I’ve known both for over 6 years.

**I’m sure others would agree, but without the personal context, without knowing my politics, and having some sense of how we play, it would just be masturbation material, not actual communication.

Written by kinkinexile

April 16, 2012 at 12:09 am

Anatomy of a scene

This is sort of an experiment to see if I could break down the elements of a scene the way one might do a customer or user experience.  The goal is to figure out what some of those unteachable things I kept hitting on were (e.g. empathy) and present them as actions rather than intuition.  Not sure if it worked, you tell me…

Anatomy of a scene

Pre-scene
-Communication
-Expectations
-Landing

Early scene
-Pacing and warm-up
-Rules and protocols
-build persona if desired

Mid-scene
-Build intensity
-Validate experience
-Don’t ask tough questions

End of scene
-Big request or cool-down
-Praise
-Positive touch

Aftercare
-Attention to headspace
-Headspace appropriate interaction
-Praise
-Positive touch
-Physical care

Pre-scene
Questions to ask:
When do you have to be home?
You know puppies aren’t allowed on the couch?
Have you had dinner?
Tell me a fantasy.

-Communication
This is the time to decide what you would like to do, share any relevant news, and make each other aware of outside constraints.  I also like to use this time for casual chatter because that helps me connect with my partner and buffer from the outside world.

-Expectations
This is actually post-negotiation for me…negotiation creates the opportunity for everything on this list to happen.  Expectations in this context are specifically about making sure my bottom has all the information he needs to succeed.  What to call me, if puppies are allowed on the couch, what to do if he needs a break, etc.

Think of social situations where you get details in advance to help make things smooth, for example you might get a description of appropriate dress with a wedding invitation, which helps you avoid awkward situations.

-Landing
This sets the tone, and I prefer a soft landing.  Ideally I start my scenes calmly without confusion.  I don’t like having to look for space at clubs or work too hard to get myself and my partner out of other conversations because this creates a hard and confusing landing.  Landing is about having the tools you want where you expect them, having your partner confident that they can succeed, trusting your own skill, and not having to trip over anything.  Sometimes, however, hard landings are hot.  In interrogation scenes for example I’ll start the scene without warning, when my partner is walking up to the space we plan to play in, or just about to go grab something from the other room.

Think of landing like a landing page; what do you want people to see/feel/experience in the first 15 seconds?  This sets the tone for the next hour.

Early scene
Questions to ask:
Does this feel good?
Are you going to be a good boy/girl/kitty?
Do you remember your safeword?

-Pacing and warm-up
At this point I don’t expect my partner to be in “sub-space” and I believe it takes about 20 minutes for endorphins to take pain processing to it’s top capacity so I start slow unless there is strategic advantage to taking a deep dive early on (SA Landing).  This also sets the pace for the rest of the scene and a good time to drop some cues as to what to expect (what kinds of toys, how much chatter, etc.)

-Rules and protocols
If you have rules or protocols, they should have been outlined in the expectations step, but early in the scene is typically when I act on them.  This may be having my partner kneel, or it may be “gearing up” as it were.  This would be around the time when I pull out any chastity devices for example or quiz my partner on relevant behaviors.

-Build persona if desired
If you’re doing any sort of role playing this is also the time where you’re going to be most in character.  Later you’ll either be into it and not have to focus or that will drop away in the scene, but early on is the time to focus on language,  protocol, set up, lighting, etc.

Mid-scene
Questions to ask:
Pick a number from 5-10.
Pick one thing that scares you and one treat.
Still with me?  Ready for more?
Note the statements and yes/no questions!

-Build intensity
Pretty self-explanatory but this is usually when I have the highest levels of sustained pain or discomfort come in.  Usually I also see a drop off in chatter from my bottom here, so I look for cues especially in new partners in so far as hand movement, eye contact, and facial expression go.  Depending on that I’ll look for responsiveness (squeeze their fingers and see how long it takes them to register and mimic the gesture for example).  This is also where I do the most checking-in to gauge pain tolerance and desirability.   Typically I do this by allowing my bottom to pick the number of strokes from a range (newer partners) or asking “what’s your safeword” (most established partners whom I want to push harder).

-Validate experience
Personally, if I’m hurting you I’m not going to tell you this doesn’t hurt.  That said, there is a lot of power in denying experiences (just think about the last time your were in hospital and someone told you the you weren’t having the symptoms you experienced) It serves to make you feel unheard, lost, confused, and poorly cared for.  In the right context, awesome, but not usually the way I play.  So I like to let my partner know I know this hurts if that’s the case, and acknowledge however they’re expressing submission.

-Don’t ask tough questions
Don’t renegotiate here.  I’ve learned the hard way that it is damn hard to get a complete sentence out of a bottom in the middle of a scene.  This is not the time to ask about the future (When do you have to be home to your wife?) or about what they want in open terms.  I will sometimes ask “which of these two things do you want to be hurt with.” Or give a guided choice such as laying out a number of toys and having someone pick the one they are scared of, or a treat, or one they’ve never used before and are curious about, but limit possible answers and make it easy to get the right answer.

End of scene
Questions to ask:
You’re doing great, will you take 10 more for me?”
How are you feeling?

-Big request or cool-down
This is a good time to start wrapping up, landing softer blows and transitioning to more gentle petting.  This is also the point where I will sometimes put in a “big ask” something I am pretty confident my partner can handle, but they may be nervous about.  Three more cane strokes for example, or one more needle, etc.  Pace what you’re doing to your partners capabilities though, and let them succeed.  If they agree to 10 more strokes and you realize that’s too much, land softer blows.  Realize that getting through what you’re asking your partner can be really really important for them at this point, especially if you have an established play dynamic, so make it possible for them to succeed and work through the challenge with them.  I’m usually honest about what’s coming with a big ask, but this is another space where you can capitalize on fear and helplessness if you so desire.  Saying 3 and landing 5 blows may be fun or funny at the beginning of a scene, but at this stage of the scene it can very challenging.  Another stylistic difference I’m interested in is I tend to use the big ask as just that, an ask; “will you take more for me?” or “This is going to hurt a lot, are you ready to do that for me?”  I’ve seen other people do the same thing in a more forceful “I’m not done with you yet!” kind of way, which is totally hot and works for a lot of people.  I think I personally get off on my partner willingly taking pain to please me, though, so I ask.

-Praise
Your partner has been through a lot, tell them you appreciate it.  I like to pick specific things/moments to praise because that feels more genuine, but typically if your partner is in a floaty submissive head space they want to know they did a good job for you, plus lavish praise pairs well with big asks.

-Positive touch
A lot of the ways you touched your partner for the last little while has been purposefully painful, this is a nice time to bring them down with soft gentle touch.

Aftercare
Questions to ask:
Not many other than “would you like some water?” offer lots of praise instead.

-Attention to headspace
I like to keep a close eye on this one.  Most rewarding for me is partners who let themselves stay in a floaty headspace for a while after the scene, but some people need to come right out of it to feel safe.

-Headspace appropriate interaction
Depending on where my partner is the interaction changes.  Some people recoup by kneeling at my feet while I play with their hair, others want me to get them a snack and see them as equals right away.  I try to make the transition gentle so I tend to defer to where my partner seems to be leading especially with new interactions.  Don’t ask questions your partner can’t answer yet.  Another thing I learned the hard way is making care appropriate to their space: with a partner who comes up quickly I can ask them what they’d like, if I can get them a snack or what not.  With a partner who stays in headspace I usually put them somewhere safe and warm and quiet let them know they can stay there and then bring them a snack or whatever seems appropriate.

-Praise
Praise in this context is a lot like above but also somewhat varied with headspace.  Some people come down hard when they play and don’t want to hear about how they were a “good boy” even if that was ok 10 minutes ago.  Where as praise in scene is often about how good my partner makes me feel or how good they are doing for me, praise post play can be more neutral.  “That was hot.” vs “You’re doing a very good job for me.”

-Positive touch
As above, soft, gentle touch on neutral body parts to help your partner reconnect with the world around them.

-Physical care
This is a great time for food, watter, band aids, etc.

NOTE: You’ve probably gathered that this is from a top’s perspective.  I would love to see this breakdown from the other side…

Written by kinkinexile

January 28, 2012 at 2:36 pm

Orgasm control through trial and error

So much to write and so little time!  I’m clearing the mental cache as it were and pushing this post out before lunch so I can get on to things like the business of BDSM and getting your message heard.

I have kinked on orgasm control for years, though the earliest experimentation with this that I remember was in 2007.  It’s one of those things that is far hotter than I expect it to be, and far more work than I expect it to be as well.  It’s also one of the areas where my current partner is well equipped to back lead, so when I realized I was having topdrop from some Tease and Denial (T&D, which I use here as an umbrella term for all sorts of chastity and orgasm control play) we’d engaged in I was at least prepared for it because he had the good sense to warn me.  So, with that in mind, and because I’ve found precious few resources for T&D from the female top’s perspective here are some things I’ve learned through trial and error:

  1. As I’d mentioned in an earlier post, I am utterly surprised by how seemingly normal many of the people into T&D are.  Just goes to show you there ain’t no such thing as normal.
  2. I think of T&D as an extreme sport even though others seem to label it a gate-way kink.  It’s just too tied up with the emotional aspects of ownership and control for me to write off as just a bit of the old slap and tickle.
  3. There ain’t nothing passive about this.  Midori sums this up beautifully in Wild Side Sex (2005, pg. 99-104) where she recounts her first foray into chastity play from the superficial and disastrous first tries “I figured I was supposed to deny him orgasm and sensual genital touch for the entire two weeks of his service to me.  It wasn’t any skin off my back…” to a deeper understanding of the nuances of power involved in this game.  You can think of denial (not getting to come, not masturbating, not getting my partner off and so forth) as passive, but I don’t.  I think of each of those things as vitally active both from the perspective of the bottom and the top.  As a top I am inclined to arouse my partner and monitor their arousal and emotional state far more closely than I typically would, both for my own fun and to keep us on the same page.  And I’d expect that actively not having an orgasm is a lot more work and concentration than surrendering to one.
  4. The orgasm you have is as important as the ones you don’t.  This I learned the hard way…I told my partner he wasn’t allowed to masturbate before bed but that he could have an orgasm in the morning.  When morning came, I’d gone off to work, and he wasn’t interested in orgasms anymore; I was strangely distraught.  Is he upset?  Does he not like me anymore?  Did I do this wrong…welcome to topdrop.  Humans are variable, their moods change, what’s sexy at one moment is tiring at another, and there are many many reasons to not want to masturbate all of which are not indicative of a crisis of faith.  But what I did learn from that is that, as mentioned above, T&D is emotionally heavy and my experiments with it need clear end points.  If I want my partner to have an orgasm (and we’ve presumably negotiated this) I need to be there for it, take control over it, and demand that it happens within the confines of my scene.
  5. I can deny your orgasms and still not feel in control.  Or, put another way, I need the power to say yes or no in order to make the no mean anything.  I want you to want, and I want you to beg, and then I want to decide what the answer will be, because if I promised you I’d say no for 2 weeks, well then I don’t really get to choose now do I?

Written by kinkinexile

December 30, 2011 at 1:33 pm

Orgasm control widgets…

So I have a blog post in the works about “orgasm control by trial and error” But before I get to that I’ve been thinking about the techy side of orgasm control.  Between Maymay’s 2008 Orgasm Permission Machine ,  AlternativeB’s Chastity android app, and my own fascination with thumbprint and RFID locks for chastity devices, I’m wondering what the best of all worlds would be.

The one thing that is super vital for me that no one has covered to my knowledge is the ability to see how often the device was accessed…how many times did the wearer or bottom spin the wheel/test the lock/solve a puzzle, or otherwise attempt to interact with the device?

I also want remote access and ideally, the ability choose between synchronous and asynchronous interaction. For example, I want the ability to either pre-program a time (Tuesday after  2pm) or condition (after you’ve edged 3 times) or switch to manual control and have the device SMS me when my partner is edging to seek further instructions.

I would like to be able to lock and unlock remotely, but I am given to understand that current technology doesn’t allow that in a lock that would be small enough for a chastity device.

I want an at-a-glance readout of the time since the last time my partner had an orgasm, edged, and asked for an orgasm.  A dashboard widget would rock.

Because I’m a nerd, I want to also have this data in a log format so I can look for trends and see if there are any ideal frequencies I’d prefer to work with.

I want this to work well when my partner and/or are mobile, so it would need access via mobile devices, if there is a component that needs to be worn it should be easy to lock and unlock remotely as well as easy to remove for air travel and border crossings.  A high level of communication and interaction should be built into the use experience (not a lock it and forget it device).  Nothing heavy, or hard to transport should be required for use.

And a personal caveat…while some actual chastity devices are cool, the part I kink on primarily is having my partner ask permission to masturbate or orgasm and knowing that I have ownership over that experience.

So with all that in mind, what I would like to see is an app that has the following features:

  • ability to link two or more users
  • ability to set parameters by which the question “may I have an orgasm” is answered via probability, with one of a series of tasks, based on a preset schedule or using a combination of these methods.
  • the ability to override the above such that the question “may I have an orgasm” triggers an SMS to a specific other user who may respond directly or choose from preset options.
  • an at-a-glance display of the last time permission to orgasm was asked, the last orgasm granted, and the last 3 tasks assigned/completed
  • an ability to generate reports such as frequency of requests (by day of the week or time of day even) frequency of orgasms, any tasks assigned but not completed etc. and/or the ability to export data for Excel, SAS, or SPSS.

Nice to have features include:

  • some method for recording bottom’s emotional state during ask
  • personal requests – bottom must write a personally worded message rather than hit an “orgasm?” button.  Even if the answer is automated requests are sweet and sexy and I for one would collect them to read later.

Possibly useful maybe just confusing:

  • error handling for human errors (reporting/logging “unallowed” orgasms)
  • orgasm assignment (because the orgasm you have are as important to me as the one’s you don’t have I want to be able to assign you to have an orgasm, either just in general or with certain parameters…) User should be notified via SMS of new assignments.

What do you think?  What am I missing?  What features can’t be done or contradict each other?

Written by kinkinexile

December 27, 2011 at 12:09 am