Kink in exile

Notes from a kinky nomad

Archive for the ‘writing’ Category

Sunday again?

Ok, so I got to Sunday again, and stared at my computer thinking “ok, round up time, I should post something,” but I was actually not feeling it at all.  I had a fantastic weekend, but Sunday was just kind of off all day.  I woke up too early and slightly hung over, and proceeded to not be on the same page with the people around me for most of the day.

Instead of reading articles about kink, I took a re-read of Using the 3T’s  which is the last of a three part series about defining relationships based on Time, Touch and Talk rather than as “friend” “boyfriend” etc.  To my understanding, Time is the time you spend together (like Friday night, or till death), Touch is expressing emotions (this one I had to reread to realize I wasn’t thinking about it the way it was positioned), and Talk seems to be about defining expectations and parameters, aka Trust.

Not how I usually think of things, but I am trying to understand how one of my Relationships can *give* me everything I want from it but not make me *feel* like I am getting what I need.  I actually wrote out an entire post about how the relationship in question is dealing with the 3Ts but in waiting for my partner to respond to “is it ok to process out-loud,” I decided that I didn’t actually want to do that at all…so instead I am reading kinky things tonight in an effort to bring you a belated roundup of awesome…

First on my reading list for tonight came maymay’s solidarity piece/fan response “You have a magic other’s don’t.  Use it.”  The more I have the kind of sex I want, the more I realize how rare it is to find, and the more that difficulty, for myself and others, breaks my heart.  Or as maymay put it “…it’s not because I don’t count my blessings. It’s because I do.”  If today’s additions to my Tumblr are any indication, it’s a mopey kinda day…

Turning my attention to another piece I missed while focused inward, I read Dishevelled Domina’s take on the dominant woman to submissive man ratio. (Hint: it’s not 1:20!)

I also wanted to welcome Peroxide to the kink blogger mix!  He wrote the article Kinky Two Shoes I pointed to a little while back about christian kinky dating, and seems to have started his own blog over at; I expect great things.

It also looks like I have a lot of catching up to do on Ferns‘ writing: from a before and after take on a submissive man’s dating site profile (nicely done!) to a couple of sexy snippets that hit oh so close to home…

And then I get to play with you, that wide-eyed boy, with gentleness and hints of hurt that now make you a little scared, that hit you hard because you think it is done now, because you are already sore and think you maybe can’t take any more: it makes me both protective and predatory.

…to  some thoughts on the email dynamic between dominant women and submissive men.

I also caught up on the comments to maymay’s On Being Bondage Furniture; a post that made me, and from the sound of it more than one other person, cry.  Heartbreaking, but read it anyway…no really, if you’re unsure why submissive men struggle, please go read that.

And now my wrist is letting me know that I have not been good about ergonomics of late so I should stop typing, get myself an ice pack, and think about bed, but first the seed of a question: what resources exist for orgasm control tops?  Any good bloggers on the subject or advice that actually goes beyond a thousand and one ways to get off without involving a penis?

Written by kinkinexile

December 19, 2011 at 10:35 pm

Where have all the bloggers gone?

I was reading this post on Biochemistry and a Submissive Girl, and thinking about how the bloggers I follow haven’t been posting as much. It makes me sad because a lot of my inspiration comes from these amazing, insightful, sexy people. What happened?

I know a number of us have started or ended significant relationships over the last year. I know I have. And then there are other life factors, work dissertations, thesis proposals. But you know, I miss the good old days.

If you’re a blogger what causes you to write more or less frequently?

Written by kinkinexile

November 27, 2009 at 5:52 pm

Posted in blogging, headspace, writing

Freelance girlfriend

Maybe I’ve been reading too many romance novels but this is a job I can do…”all the girlfriend services except sex and laundry.”

Do you need help getting a present for your sister?  Picking out a suit?  Need someone to take to a family function or a lovely intelligent woman to make small talk with your boss at the office Christmas party?  Want your house decorated or the cleaning service managed?   Need to impress that college buddy you haven’t seen in ten years?  Show up your ex wife?  Don’t want the responsibility, arguments, and work of a girlfriend or wife?  I can help!

Written by kinkinexile

June 30, 2009 at 6:05 pm

Posted in fun stuff, writing

terms of endearment

“Filthy little slut.” This is the term of contention in the email exchange between myself and an editor. Too graphic? Insulting? Would “slut” be more approachable? No, slut is still insulting to women. Perhaps “girl?” But I find that insulting in context. “Pretty thing” “little girl” “baby” are all acceptable, but “slut” is, I am given to understand, off-putting and harsh; an insult to women’s sexuality and a liability when it comes to sales.

Let’s revisit this shall we? “Little girl” is an acceptable term to use with a grown woman in a sexual context. “Slut” is not. I wish I could say that my porn is not political, but I am starting to think that the act of writing pornography, and more specifically the act of writing pornography from a female perspective in which female characters are seen as strong and autonomous agents is a political act.

What other words do we have for a woman who does not need to be tricked into sex with the promise of love true love?

Written by kinkinexile

March 17, 2009 at 1:26 pm

Best Sex Writing 2008

I went to a reading on Thursday night from Best Sex Writing 2008. It’s an excellent collection of essays covering topics from circumcision to racial identity in human sexuality research. I am really impressed by the work that is being done in sexuality. We’ve come a long way since Freud. We’ve even come a long way since Foucault addressed the nature of identity thereby (in my opinion) creating the foundation for modern research in human sexuality.

As anyone who has ever written, in an academic fashion, about human sexuality can attest it is a fine balance between professional and boring; between sexy and lewd; and between mass market appeal and pop-psychology. It is a balance that I believe is very important to this field because I am not interested in writing sex for men in white lab coats. I am not interested in recording data in the annals of scientific journals. No, I want my work to be accessible and influential on an individual level. Foucault gave us the parameters in which to do our research. However, it is contemporary authors such as Carol Queen, Annie Sprinkle, and Dossie Easton who gave us sexual non-fiction that penetrates our own lives. They laid the foundation for a sex-positive culture, and for the acceptance of sex work. They addressed our own desires, and challenged our established notions of morality. This is not social science research in the tradition of Freud, it is a personal narrative steeped in the methods of women’s studies courses, and second wave consciousness-raising. As such, I would not call it science. Though there is some excellent scientific research being done on topics such as the physical phenomena of orgasm, the effects of circumcision, and spread of sexual transmitted diseases, the field of human sexuality emerges from an interdisciplinary curriculum and must broach the spectrum from biology to fine art.

A couple of days ago I was slightly drunk and planning the rest of my life with a friend over drinks in the Mission. It had been a toss-up as to whether, come Fall, I would be applying to graphic design programs or human sexuality/sociology programs. My reaction to the idea of putting off a graduate program in human sexuality demonstrated to my own satisfaction that this is what I want to do with my life. I don’t actually know what I would do with a master’s in human sexuality. I suspect I would get a PhD and sell my soul to academia. My mother did it, and her father before her – it’s a family tradition. Hell, in my family you sit at the kids table until they can call you doctor. “Could you pass the potatoes, Doctor.” It’s really interesting to work with sex in a non-sexual manner. It makes perfect sense to me, but it’s hard to explain to other people. Maybe I’m over saturated, after all sex isn’t just a fun thing I do late at night, it’s my work, my writing, and my art. To do that, and still be able to interact with society at large, requires some compartmentalization, but I think that’s a post onto itself.

Written by kinkinexile

March 30, 2008 at 3:13 am

What, you thought I write in a corset?

This is my sanity break in which I get to stop thinking about the piece of smut I should be writing and do a 5 minute rant on something else that’s amusing me at the moment. And right now I am highly amused by how I actually look when I write all those sex, sultry things with characters who wear corsets 24/7. I’m wearing the baggiest jeans I own, a tank top that makes me look slightly pregnant, and a sweater I stole from a boy I’m sleeping with. To complete this outfit, I have on funky glasses, red patent leather Doc Martins, and no make up. This very sexy look is complimented by the ultimate porn writer’s accessory – the soy chai latte.

And now back to the world of sultry pouts, tightly laced corsets, and impossibly high heels…

Written by kinkinexile

February 1, 2008 at 6:10 am

Another deadline missed

He looked at her over the screen of his laptop.  She was sitting on the floor, wireless keyboard perched on her lap, looking at him.  She twirled her glasses absentmindedly in one hand.

“Why are you looking at me like that,” he asked.

“I need an adjective for ‘hard on.’” She chewed her lip before continuing.  “I’m trying to remember how you felt the last time you were in my mouth.  Smooth, hard, throbbing, powerful, demanding; I can’t seem to find the right word.”

Slowly he moved his computer.  “Here, maybe you’d like a reminder,” he said moving toward her.  He reached out pulling her in with one hand while he unzipped his trousers with the other.  Eagerly she slid over, kneeling in front of him forgotten keyboard tumbling to the floor…

Written by kinkinexile

December 21, 2007 at 3:55 pm

Posted in blogging, fiction, writing